The Life & Times of Riley the Puggety-Pug-Pug

Mama's Little Babies Hate Fake Milk, Fake Milk

2008-10-22T11:24:00.000-07:00

A happy Wednesday to you! Today we tried the puppies on fake milk. It didn't go over very well. I'm not looking forward to this process. Only one of them likes it and that's Betty. Here is Betty:

The rest of them are momma's boys and a girl. They can't stand it! Here's the rest of them:

So my genius geek dad Jake just jailbroke his iphone and will be posting live feeds of the puppies on his blog shortly. His blog is: http://fattjake.blogspot.com/

The People are still planning a puppy shower. They decided to wait until the puppies were born. They thought it would be more interesting that way. I'll post more details soon and of course more pictures.

P.S. Traci, I miss you. I hope work is good today. Thanks for your birthday bone from Snake Creek Grill. Loved it! But you knew I would. I was so excited about the bone that I jumped into the puppy box to eat it. Needless to say, this caused a ruckus. Lovies to you, Traci. Lovies to you.

Riley the Puggety Pug Likes To Taggety Tag Tag

2008-10-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

My Aunt Maren just did a blog about tags. She doesn't like tags. I don't mind them. Since I too am working on other blog ideas that are taking entirely too much time I voted to go the easy way out and copy Aunt Maren (who actually got the idea from Amanda). See... these tag blogs aren't so bad and so informative.

8 Things That I Am Passionate About:
1. Traci
2. Maren
3. Food
4. My puppies
5. My pet family
6. Jake's geek smarts
7. Not wearing pants
8. Car rides

8 Words Or Phrases I Use Often:
1. Heavy breathing
2. Heavy snorting
3. Heavy hacking
4. Two feet tall and worth the climb
5. I'm snarky!
6. Jake that's mine. Get your own!
7. I love you, Traci.
8. You don't say...

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Give birth to 4 illegitimate puppies via C-Section
2. Become an internet star on YouTube so I gain Jake's respect
3. Bring in the bacon with my line of pregnancy clothes for pets
4. Co-own a bakery shop for pets with Traci
5. Become a summit dog
6. Sleep on 1000 thread Egyptian Cotton sheets
7. Eat my weight in rib bones
8. Dress up like a bumblebee for Halloween

8 Things I Have Learned From My Past:
1. Never trust rats named Ronaldo
2. Traci is the best human ever made
3. Jake is the best geek ever made
4. People always remember the kid that peed their pants in puppy pre-school
5. Never bark in the backyard when it's dark... you may end up in a window well
6. Smart sisters come in handy especially when there are holes in the neighbor's fence
7. The little rat things you give birth to aren't chew toys
8. All dogs go to heaven

8 Places I Would Love To Go Or See:
1. Pet Heaven
2. Mt. Plesantville
3. China
4. A filming of SNL to see "Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals" sketch
5. Easter Island to pee on the big head statues
6. A Neil Diamond concert
7. The City of Monkeys in Thailand
8. London BABY! (with Maren, Amanda & Lulu)

8 Things I Currently Need Or Want:
1. Personalized dog bed
2. Portable indoor dog potty
3. Canine Cooler therapeutic pad
4. Summit dog equipment
5. My weight in rib bones
6. Personalized collar tag and wallet ID set
7. A funny man with muscles
8. An entourage

People I Tag:
1. Traci G
2. Aunt Maren
3. Jake
4. Amanda & Lulu

The Verdict Is In & We Are All Fat!

2008-10-16T15:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry about my lack of blog posts. My puppies have been sucking my every last resource away and I just couldn't think of a good post for my bloggin' posse of fame. This one isn't that great but I did get another pet magazine full of new and fun things to share with you. Scratch that... today's mail just came in. I got 2 magazines! I'll post about that soon.

I went to an appointment at the vets yesterday. I was relieved it wasn't for me but for the puppies. In fact, for the most part they didn't pay that much attention to me. Although I did get scared a few times and tried to make a run for the door... I could sense the nurse was giving me the stink eye.

We are all healthy. But we are all fat! Too fat for our small size. And when I say "we" are all fat, I mean "the puppies". Cause I'm not too fat at all. I'm just the right size of sexy.

Fat Tally
Foo = 1 lb. 11 ounces of loving fatness
Bad Andy = 1 lb. 8 ounces of adorable rolliage
Panda = 1 lb. 8 ounces of caressable curvage
Connie = 1 lb. 6 ounces of slim yet huggable suppleness
Riley = the right size of sexy

All eyes are open now. Instead of slithering around the room, the puppies are semi-crawling. They have their teeth nubs which mean sharp little teeth are coming within the next week and I stop feeding them. Period. It's not even a question.

I will post more updated photos of the puppies this weekend.

P.S. We have more name changes:

Foo = Rambo/Roger
Bad Andy = Amos Moses
Connie = Betty
Panda = Iko Taudry

My Milkshake Brings All The Pups To The Yard

2008-10-11T21:48:00.000-07:00

I promised my Aunt Maren I would update the blog with photos of the puppies. They are growing quickly. Jake loves them. He may pretend like he doesn't but deep down I know his heart and it says "I love pets". I've never had this issue with Traci... she and I are like this *crossing paws*.

Jake makes fun of my huge "milk jugs". He is worried that I may be saggy forever. I told him if it turns into a problem I could wear one of his many girdles.

Here are the wee ones:

We had some name changes (this happens)... the littlest girl is Panda, one of the boys is Foo, the darker girl is Connie and the fat one is Bad Andy (there is some conflict as to the true origin of this name... many of us know the true meaning... the Domino's thing just isn't fooling anyone, Traci).

I'll post more pics soon. They are just at that age when the only time they stand still is when they are sleeping or eatting.

Here is a rundown of the 2 most important checks, the eye check and the fat check. I can't stress the importance of these checks. If you have loved ones then you should be doing eye checks and fat checks too. I can't think of anything that shows them you love them more.

Eye Check:
Panda - right eye full on open
Foo - both eyes slightly open
Connie - one eye slightly open
Bad Andy - one eye slightly open

Fat Check:
Panda - she's the tiniest (she's 13 ounces with a weight gain of 5.5 ounces)
Foo - he weighed in at 1 pound (that's a 8 ounce weight gain in a week)
Connie - a little bit heavier (she's 14 ounces with a weight gain of 4.5 ounces)
Bad Andy - huge pounder. he's my little fat one (that's a 6 ounce weight gain in a week)

Here's a quick shout out to my awesome cousin Sandy! I'm glad to see her in the blogging world. She is so experienced when it comes to shopping, love and Gerard Butler. She also has the cutest bee Halloween costume I've ever seen.

Check out more about my seductive minx of a cousin here.

I Want To Be On Pet Star

2008-10-03T18:53:00.000-07:00

If you happen to be at home on a weekday and you have absolutely nothing to do around 3 PM then plan to veg on the couch because you don't want to miss Pet Star on the animal planet channel. I had never even heard about this "show" until it came on yesterday. I couldn't take my puggy eyes off of this thing.

On the surface of things I would have to say it's a show about people who made it big in show business and then supremely fell from grace by landing jobs on this depravity of a show. And they throw in a good share of pet owners, pets and pet tricks to round it out.

I think most of you know my opinion of the godfather of heinous mullets Mario Lopez, but just in case you don't I'll go into that now. Who comes to mind when you think of an awesomely bad mullet that lasted 3 or 4 decades? Who comes to mind when you think of Slater, Saved by the Bell, macho chauvinistic pig, the fake "The View," and a plethora of equally horrible daytime television shows? Who comes to mind when you think of a 2-week annulled marriage to Ali So-and-So, a night with strippers before his wedding day and a thinks-he's-a-pretty-boy but he's really a terd? Who comes to mind when you think of the worst possible host for a pet related program? If you chose Mario Lopez, you would be right!

There's the biggest problem of the show right there. But now let's talk about the celebrity guest judges. Apparently it's a constant string of the who's who z-list celebrities.

John O'Hurley. Remember this guy from Seinfeld? What IS he DOING on this show? Are job offers THAT BAD? How do you go from J. Peterman to a pet judge? This is sad. Then there was a girl named Vanessa. Don't know. Don't care. Too perky. I say kick her off the panel! She has no sense of pet judging skills whatsoever. She just sat there and pulled a bunch of crap off the top of her head rendering the episode a waste of my daytime minutes. The judging panel was rounded off by a comedian named Dom Irrera. Not that funny. But I'll take him over that Vanessa girl any day of the week. So there are the sad cast of characters. But wait! Now here come the delusional pet owners and pets.

On the episode I watched we had a Singapore sling pot bellied pig in a skirt that would walk through hoops. The pig's stomach touched the ground! The pig lives in the house with 17 brothers and sisters! I said, in the house?!! You should now be able to clearly picture the pet owner from that. She tried to explain that pigs are clean, but who is she kidding?! I know they roll around in their own crap and so does the rest of the world.

Then there was a guy that had 9 mutt dogs that could run in a figure 8 through his legs, jumped all at once over a jump rope and did the conga line. That man looked like he had fritterred most of his life away on coke or speed. He was SO perky that his eyes stuck out of his head.

Then we had a gay, regurgitated worker from Sea World who showed off his cockatoo. Wow! A bird that can fly through hoops. I'm amazed! I was more amazed watching the Sea World guy flirt with Mario Lopez on stage during the show.

This was followed by a screenwriter who owned a weenie dog that could flip a rubber band using his snout and paws. The dog taught this trick to himself. That's right he was self smarted... self learned himself. I was afraid if he taught himself another trick he would be dead. From a heart attack.

But I think the most delusional of them all was an x-cheerleader choreographer for the Miami Dolphins or something. She came out in pig tails and a weird slut costume that matched her tiny dancer dog. And keep in mind this woman looks like she's in her late 50's. Both of them looked like old saloon hoochie mamas in the worst possible sense. They sucked. For going on and on about how professional she used to be and still is, I was surprised that this dog act tanked big time! I could go on about the woman who brought a Bengal leopard cat or something like that, pet and pet owner LOOKED EXACTLY ALIKE! I seriously couldn't tell them apart.

Here is my questionnaire of things to keep in mind before watching the following pet acts:

1) How many pet owners are on crack?
2) How many pets are on crack?
3) How many judges are on crack?

Regardless of all of this debauchery I still think I want to be on this show. I mean, it could just be that I saw a bad episode. What would you recommend for my talent? Or maybe Lulu, Sandy, Rychelle's awesome posse of pooches and I can do a little someth'em, someth'em. Should I come up with an act for me and the puglets? To think, if I had only popped out 1 more puglet I could have had a basketball team!

On a side note, puppy rearing is coming along. I'll add more pictures of the puppies soon. And I amended a puppy name. Renegade is now Renegade Traci, the fastest legal mind pug this side of the Rockies. Well, I'm off to do some me time. Have a good one!

Help Riley Win Cupcakes

2008-09-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

Whoever said "The best things in life are free" was SO right! Help me win FREE cupcakes. That's the bottom line. This is a little shout out to Kristina P. who is right this minute celebrating her 20,000 hit blog b-day by giving me cupcakes via a giveaway (crossing my paws).

I was messing around YouTube and found this 300 parody video. I thought you would like it Kristina... especially the first part about the Olive Garden.

Check Out My Little Posse of Poopers

2008-09-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

Guess what? I'm a mommy! I gave birth to 4 little squeaky chew toys this morning at 11:00 AM. I'm doing good. The most inconvenient part of my day was when they dragged me away from my breakfast kibble to go do the surgery. I was mad as hell! See... I just cursed. That's how mad I was! It's true, I'm snarky! Squeaker taught me some curse words in French that I barked at my doctor but he just laughed about it which made me even more upset. I was about to roundhouse kick him in the face ala Chuck Norris but the drugs kicked in and I was out. The next thing I know it was, "Say Hello to my little friends." Yes, my four little inconvenient truths!

I'm skinny again, thank heavens. I thought if this went on for another day I would implode. Now I'm just saggy. I don't have a comment about that.

I have four puppies, all healthy and all fawn. I've bequeathed their fake names too. The 2 boys are Jacobite Leonard Wenvo and Renegade. The 2 girls are Suki Taudry and Hurricane Foo. That Renegade is a climber. He's been turbo crawling around the puppy box all day.

Like my lack of skills in barking and ear licking, I think I still have a bit to learn about mothering. I've already found out that smashing them under my bottom does not always solve the problem (as much as I wish it did). For instance, I decided I didn't much care to feed the puppies today so I had my staff do it. They work cheap actually free. You just can't beat that! I bet you don't have staff!

Uff Da! Riley's Guide to All Things From The Land Of Norwegia

2008-09-27T02:16:00.000-07:00

I did the bio of Timmermans a couple of days ago, so today it's the Gundersens.

Gunder-goats. Gunder-cusses. Son of a Gunder. It's true we may have been called a lot of things but we are true blue Gundersens from the land of Norway. And we don't take anyone's crap!

Gundersens come from the magical land of fjords, trolls, Drekkar ships, Jarlsberg cheese, bread + butter + sugar snack, lutefisk, gnomes (I'm pretty sure the first gnomes were stick people fashioned by the Norwegians to place outside of their huts), Vikings, AND VIKINGS! Recently there was an actual census taken about Vikings. And Vikings beat out ninjas, zombies and robots for the most cool and beloved people of all time. Gundersens are extra strength, extra lasting, extra fresh Viking stock. We show no mercy. We pillage and plunder and then pillage some more. Especially if lentils are involved. Nothing inspires a Gundersen quite like food! Here I am modelling the traditional Norwegian attire. (Notice I only have a hat on and the rest of me is nude. That actually IS traditional Norwegian attire. That's how we roll. I get my hankering for nakedness from this side of the family.)

Norwegians inspire. We inspire Japanese game shows and Led Zeppelin. Take this video clip for instance... it was inspired... by Norwegians! (I did take some liberties to tweak this into a TRUE Gundersen masterpiece... I call it "Dear Gundersen")

The Scottish give us kilts and the Norwegians give us these:

And while Mr. Butler is still working on our Scottish ancestor movie, Kirk Douglas already made a film about our Viking ancestors called The Vikings.

There is really only ONE. BIG. REASON. WHY. BEING. A. GUNDERSEN. ROCKS. And this is it. If my bloggin' posse of fame lived in Norway this is what we would all look like!

Here are some of my favorite Gundersens:
Jake - my human dad - we tolerate each other. when necessary. we also have long discussions on the back porch and share an affinity for technology.

Connie - my grandma - we like to go shopping for pet clothes and people clothes. And we like to make fruit salad and BBQ ribs.

Wenvo Loafer - my grandpops - we like to bake bread and eat it.

Justin - my uncle - we like big, big trucks and dressing up like the devil in the pale moonlight. We also love jazz and bluegrass and watching the weather channel and Johnny Depp movies.

Here is my Norwegian Joke:
This is an ORIGINAL JOKE by BRIAN BOWER

VIKINGS HOME JOURNAL
(Today's Journal for the Modern Viking)
* Three fast and tasty village dog recipes for the working viking who doesn't have all day to cook.
* War wound stitchery- Don't throw away those severed body parts. Needle point tips that can make that foot or arm good as new.
* Surprising reader's poll: 9 out of 10 viking women are not satisfied in bed. Find out what they really want.
* Burning pitch techniques that can really let you rain hell on your neighbors!
* Surrounded by intellectuals-How one viking escaped. By David-the-Saxon.
* Viking mid-life crisis-Is raping murdering and pillaging all there is ?
* Is your son a Pansy?-A candid article by Erick-the-Red which every father should read.
* Don't let your Viking tupperware party end in a blood bath- Do's and Don'ts for a successful evening.
* Detroit unveils the New 89 line of warships-Faster, sleeker, fewer slaves in the galley!

AT YOUR VILLAGE NEWSTANDS NOW !

So, if I'm a little obsessive or crazy... I'm a Gundersen and that should explain everything. Long Live the Gundersens! Valhalla!

Ya'll Have Dem Beanie Puggies? You Have Dem. You Carry Dem.

2008-09-26T12:12:00.000-07:00

Here's my quick little update (I have another post coming later tonight). I'm at the vets as we speak typing this out on my blackberry. (Jake insists that any pets that live in his household need to be technology savvy hence my blackberry.)

So, here's the story. I went to the vets on Monday to get my x-ray thing done. I was really in a bad mood (besides the fact that I hate the vets) and I just couldn't take another appointment. I was ~~a little~~ very upset about the whole x-ray process and it's entirely possible that I may have ~~bit~~ nipped at the tech nurses. Due to my mood and quote "Riley is full of poop" as the nurses put it (which is funny because that's what I thought about them), they didn't get a good look at the puppies. They were able to see 3 really well but there is a 4th puppy that may have a problem. If that is the case, they wanted me back at the vets to have a c-section delivery.

I got up this morning and The People took me to the vets to have another x-ray. They still couldn't tell if the 4th puppy has problems so they decided I need to stay at the vets over the weekend and they will perform the delivery. I'm kind of upset about this. I'm not looking forward to a weekend at the vets. Fortunately I do have my blackberry with me so I can keep in touch with my bloggin posse. They stuck me in a nesting room which is nice digs. I am pretty sure there are other dogs here. I try to text them but they are completely technology retarded so I have to do this the old fashioned way of barking. Maybe I can pick up some juicy stories for the blog. (Amander does like the incest stories!) I will definitely keep you posted.

If It's Not Scottish, It's Cr-r-rap!

2008-09-23T08:27:00.000-07:00

I got excited talking about my pug family so I decided to talk about my human parents. I will dedicate a post to each of them because they are family too.

As far as I'm concerned Scotland is the greatest country ever. They brought us shortbread cookies, men wearing kilts, bagpipes, Robert the Bruce, Mary Queen of Scots, men wearing kilts, the Loch Ness monster, William Wallace, Haggis, the Highlands, men wearing kilts, the Stone of Scone, The Wicked Tinkers, Bonnie Prince Charlie, purple heather (the national flower), the Firth of Forth, Robert Burns, men wearing kilts, the Peel P50 and Sean Connery... I mean what's not to like!

Here I am modeling the Timmerman tartan (Ok, so this may not be the Timmerman tartan but it's a kilt with a matching hat):

My human mom Traci is a Timmerman. Timmermans are strong stock and you don't want to mess with us. In olden times, Timmermans could squash you with a huge caber if they didn't like the way you conducted yourself. Today, we just serve legal papers and sue you for all you're worth.

There are so many reasons to be proud of being a Timmerman.

Reason #1, we are related to Robert Burns the famous Scottish poet (actor Gerard Butler really wants to play our ancestor in a Robert Burns movie... and incidently he also owns a pug!). I'm listening to Robert Burns now (I should add this to my books of the month) but yeah, don't understand a thing he says but I'm sure it's great!

The fake Robert Burns

The real Robert Burns

Reason #2, only the coolest people are Timmermans. Case in point, I'm a Timmerman... Traci's a Timmerman... Maren's a Timmerman. Need I say more?

Reason #3, we're Scottish! Everyone wants to be Scottish. Because if it's not Scottish, it's crap!

Here are some of my favorite Timmermans:
Traci - my mom - we like to cook, clean and nap together. "T" is for Traci and Timmerman.

Maren - my aunt - we like to dress me in pet clothes and play together. Aunt Maren is 98% Scottish.
Michael - my uncle - we like to fly planes together.

Sandy - my cousin - we like to eat and run around together. Here's a Scottish joke:
Three Scotswomen (they are neighbors) were walking home at night. Along the way they find a Scotsman passed out under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon and they can't see who he is; however, they would like to help him get home. The first woman looks under his kilt and says, "It's not my husband". The second woman looks under his kilt and says, "It's not my husband". The third woman looks under his kilt and says, "Why he's not even from our village!"

All In The Family

2008-09-22T09:06:00.000-07:00

I thought I would talk a little bit about my pug family because I'm pretty sure you're dying to know this stuff. Here is a video that sort of explains it all.

Okay, so it totally doesn't explain anything! My pug family story is more like the behind-the-scenes Brady Bunch story. The sordid kind.

Here is a list of the playas:

Bogart
Bred for his skills in magic. Bogart is pretty much the best pug dog there ever was (besides me). He is my step-dad grandpa and the father of my puppies. In his youth, Bogart enjoyed running through the sprinklers, eatting snow and going on rides. One of his special powers was drive-thru food perceptive cognative mind waves. Yeah, he pretty much could have done magic tricks and/or hypnotism.

Bacall
She could be considered a miniature version of a pug. Bacall likes to spin around like a whirling dervish. She has one snaggle tooth she uses to intimidate her enemies. She likes chicken nuggets and soft food. She likes to bark a lot. In her younger years Bacall was the boss. She would grab Bogart's leash and pull him around the room. Bacall is like 500 years old but she's still around. She sleeps most of the time. She's like the cryptkeeper of the pug world.

Princess Caraboo (Boo)
Boo is my mom. She is an ex-showgirl that retired several years ago. She placed 3rd in the shows most of the time. The only time she won a first prize ribbon was when she was the only pug in her category. That never seemed to bother her. She's still a showgirl at heart. She has her way with the men folk. She's never married but she's raised 11 indiscretions. For a short period Boo went through a pirate fetish stage. Boo likes to lick just about everything... plastic gates, dog ears, elbows, legs, whatever she can. Even though she's blind, she is master at intense stare downs. This picture was taken before Boo went blind... look at those crazy eyes! She is now into new age healing and religion. She loves crispy chicken, squeaky cheese and handicrafts.

Duncan
My brother Duncan is currently single. He's a catch. He's pretty much in heat every day of the year. That's right... he's a little horny. Duncan loves his outdoor crib (which is basically a wire corral). The brothers had to be separated after the big fallout over nothing. When the boys are together Duncan goes in his crib. Water tastes better to him outside. He wants to be a summit dog and he probably could be. He has lion paws and a double curl twisty tail (rare in the pug world). He loves to eat. He has the emotional capacity of a small child. He is the biggest pug ever but thinks he is miniature pug size. He can do the major chin thing. Bogart can do the chin thing but Duncan does a major chin thing when he's not happy. He's athletic and husky, muscular and pretty. The perfect stud dog qualities.

Loki
He's not bred for his skills in magic even though (if you can believe this) a stud dog farm wanted him when he was a puppy. Loki, the stud dog. That's funny. Some people wonder about the name Loki. Loki was named for the Norse god of mischief... that tells you a little about Loki the pug. Loki loves to eat. Sometimes he sneaks regular food from the other dog's dishes. He's stealthy and sly in a lumbering obvious kind of way. When he was younger he would pull all the toilet paper off the roll and run around the house with it in his mouth. He barks like a girl. He runs like a wambat and smashes his enemies under his supple weightiness. His major defensive mechanism (something he likes to work on a lot) is his play dead skills where he basically just falls on the floor. He uses his weight to his advantage. When he doesn't want to do something he falls on the floor and won't get up. He makes you pick him up but he makes sure his body is at it's most supple, fat and slippery stage. Loki is a minx.

Black Bart
Black Bart has a woman in every port. He is a stud dog that lives on a farm in Wyoming. He's a champion pug dog. All first ribbons... no 3rd place ribbons for him. He is considered good looking. I don't know how many puppies he's had... probably 150. In many ways he lives a polygamist's life, the only difference being that he doesn't have to raise, feed or care for any of his children.

Squeaker
My sister Squeaker runs the family I'm living with now. She is the head of a secret pug society working towards world domination... just like the Masons. She specializes in army warfare and covert operations. She is fluent in French and has a pug deity complex. We all think she is the reincarnation of Napoleon Bonaparte. There are a few reasons for this: 1) Napoleon's wife Josephine had a pug that she loved dearly. Napoleon hated this pug and the pug hated Napoleon. It was a constant power struggle between man and pug. We think it's entirely possible that Napoleon got his just desserts when he was reincarnated as a pug... a girl pug! 2) This would explain Squeaker's French accent. 3) This would also explain Squeaker's need for control and world domination plots. In so many ways she's just like Stewie on the Family Guy. We also call her Mensa Pug.

The Blackies
The Blackies are my brother and 2 sisters. My brother's name is Farnsworth and my sister's names are Senora and Kiki. Although I think Kiki became Beyonce when she went to live with my dad. I love the Blackies. I wish I could see them again. We used to run around the house as puppies. I was the most outgoing and fun to be around of course but they had their high points. For years I thought I was a blackie too.

Riley
I'm bred for my good looks. I love to follow Traci around our house. I love it when she cooks. I love it when she cooks and I get the leftovers. I have sweaty paws. That is unique to me. I don't know how to bark but Squeaker is teaching me well. I like to have my ears licked. I like to poop in the neighbor's yard... they are none the wiser. I like to humor Squeaker when she starts talking about world domination plots. I like to humor Jake when he starts talking about politics and economics. I'm pretty sure I'm a Mensa Pug too. I scored 160 on a puppy IQ test.

Powdermilk Biscuit Break
This first portion of my blog is brought to you by Powdermilk Biscuits in the big blue box with a picture of the biscuit on the cover. Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! (That's right, I'm pimping myself for adverts now. Just think, your ad could be here!)

Okay, where to begin this tale of intrigue, seduction, gambling debts and mayhem. Bogart was married to Bacall. It was Bogart and Bacall all the way until it was discovered that Bacall couldn't have children. So, Bogart decided to step out with a second wife or concubine (whatever you want to call it... so Old Testament, right?). The second wife was my mother Boo. She had her first litter of five in 2002. My half brothers Loki and Duncan came out of this batch. For some reason Bogart wasn't impressed with them and disowned them immediately.

Now, let it be known that my mom Showgirl Boo had a wild streak in her... carefree and loose is another way to put it. Let it also be known that Bogart was 50 human years Boo's senior. Well, as you can tell that didn't sit well with Boo and there had always been contention between her and the first wife Bacall. This left the relationship strained. Boo was heading up in the world. Boo had her first prize blue ribbon and her looks to recommend her and she wanted to have a little fun. That's hard to do with a grandpa for a husband.

Enter Black Bart (he does sound like a pirate but he isn't). Black Bart is a dog champion. He was handsome in all his rough exterior, masculine-ness but underneath he had a soft caramel center of passion. Just the Mr. Right Boo had been looking for. She used her feminine wiles to seduce Black Bart. Although it doesn't take much when it's the season for lovin'. I think Black Bart would pretty much go for any girl that looked his way. As were the days of Woodstock and hippies smokin' pot, the relationship was all about sex and shortlived. However, they did conceive 2 pug children: a little black boy and a little fawn girl. The little black boy didn't make it but the little fawn girl that was raised as a bratty, special needs only child became my full sister Squeaker. Even though Boo had 6 children at this point she felt lonely and wanted more. Some people eat to soothe emotions... my mom produces.

Boo decided to have a go with Black Bart again. Some habits die hard. This time mom had 4 little puppies: 3 blackies and me! I grew up in the ghetto of pugdom. My mom wanted Black Bart to settle down. He couldn't commit to this and the relationship disintegrated. I only met my dad one time. That was when he picked up one of my black sisters to live with him. The funny thing is by this time Bogart was really old... like 13 years old and senile and he thought the blackies and me were his puppies. It was the happiest he ever was. He was so proud of us. The sad thing is that Bogart died shortly after we were born.

Which brings me to the father of the puppies. Now get this... The People froze Bogart's stuff. My People wanted me to have a litter. So the father is Great-Great-Grandpa Bogart, a pug I barely knew. You couldn't write this stuff in a Lifetime movie. Okay, well maybe you could... in fact, they do it all the time! This is like Demolition Man meets Kate & Leopold without the romance.

So, I'm popping with Bogart's posthumous puppies. My x-ray appointment is today. I should find out how many puppies I'm having and if I can do this the natural way or c-section.

What the Fetch(dog)!!

2008-09-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

Good Morning fellow bloggers! I hope you had a smashing weekend. I bet the title grabbed you. I do love cheap sensationalism. Let's start with the poll.... I just want to thank my lawyers (so Charlize Theron & Hilary Swank-esque of me), nannies, servants and everybody who made this win possible. I work in an amazing industry and to be noticed for my talents is just so amazing. I knew this day would come. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my little round belly. Of course, I wouldn't want to forget Traci and Aunt Maren and all of my bloggin posse of fame. You know who you are. Except Jake is questionable because I never really felt like he caught the vision that was me. But I'll just be polite and say he did for the sake of being polite. So, I guess I should end this before the timing guy dings me like Julia Roberts. I will however end with a few words to the 3 people that didn't want to hang out with me and opted for annoying booger pickin children instead. Obviously something is wrong with you. I will pray for your misguided souls.

I was pretty excited because my Early Autumn 2008 edition of fetchdog magazine arrived on Friday. I quickly scanned the new offerings and wanted to show you some of my favorites (Traci and Jake take note. My birthday, Fall Equinox Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Daylight Savings Time Ends Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner.)

The Luxury Nesting Trundle - nothing says "I love you" more than this suffocating monstrosity in Ocelot. Look at the mixed breed that was shoved in the Caramel version. Look at the terror on it's face.

Look. This one has my name on it. This could help makes things easier so Jake doesn't get confused.

Check this out... so cop show cool! This could be a FHE activity for us.
'Shut the door, pull down the shades and conduct your own CSI investigation…for pee. This black light will show you how much urine is actually seeped and dried into your carpet with one wave. How? The crystalline structure of dried urine causes it to fluoresce a dull yellow color under UV light. Don't worry if it looks like a violent pee scene—our Urine-Off Spray will come to the rescue. Requires 4 AA batteries, not included. Protective eye wear recommended.'

The Helping Harness could come in handy for Jake when he gets older.

The Handy Lift Harness could come in handy for me right now. I'm the equivalant of a beached whale when it comes to pugs.

No more "Death by Dog Breathe" when you have Greenies Triple Chew.

Wowza! An Anti-Bloat Bowl for dogs. What will they think of next? This could have multiple uses in our house like for me and for Jake. It's a veterinarian tested and recommended bowl that encourages slower eating, making your dog feel more full. Helps reduce instances of re-eating and the risk of GDV, commonly known as bloat. Works with kibble or canned food. Tip resistant. Dishwasher safe. Colors differ for different sizes.

I demand celebrity treatment while traveling and nothing but the Telescoping Ramp will do.

I find nothing more disturbing than a traveling bag with a dog's head.

Now that we're back in Salt Lake the harsh winter climate can be so cold for a pug like me so what about investing in something fun and functional like this Reversible Down Parka in pink. I would look so cute in this.

Look Traci! Something just for Jake. It's the Tri-Tronics Sport Basic G3 Training Collar. Whenever it says pet and/or dog subsitute it with husband.
'Technology alone can’t train your dog. But the Tri-Tronics Sport Basic G3 Dog Training Collar enhances the process. With 10 levels each of transmitter-controlled continuous or momentary correction, an audible "buzz" button – and a full half-mile range – it’s easy to remind your dog to make the right decision. Waterproof, rechargeable and adjustable for all coat types – this training collar is technology’s contribution to the fine art of training. For dogs 6 months and older. Color: Black. Technology’s contribution to the fine art of dog training.'

I'm sorry but this Scat Mat is dog torture and should be outlawed. Traci, let's start an anti-scat mat bill and take it to Congress. I knew your lawyer smarts would come in handy. You will go down in the history of pets as a legend!

Who knew summit dogs really existed? I didn't until I read Jake's blog about Milly the Summit Dog. But guess what? It's really real. And here is a summit dog's necessities. So buy these for me and I'll be a summit dog too! Bark ’n Boots is the canine equivalent to hiking boots and the Web Master Harness keeps us together.

With the addition of another dog, let's just call him Mr. Brian Scroggins for now, the Knot-a-Long Leash and Coupler could be so handy when we take our walks.

And I even found some goodies for my doggie friends. Sandy would love the Orbee-Tuff Tug toy and the Automatic Toy & Treat Dispenser (yet another item that would work for Jake as well).
'So much fun it’s like doggie day care! Kong Time automatically dispenses food-filled toys from countertop or floor while you are away, keeping your dog both well fed and entertained for a four- to eight-hour period. Just fill each Kong Toy with kibbles or other snacks, push the button and your dog will be happy for hours. A beeping sound alerts your dog that a Kong Toy is on its way. Recommended for single-dog households. Easy to clean. Includes batteries. Kongs sold separately. 13" diameter x 6"H.'

And Lulu, this is so you!

And finally, this sounds truly terrifying on so many levels...

I'm seven weeks pregnant which translates to seven months pregnant for humans. I'm looking even more pokey in the belly. Does anyone want to guess how many puppies I will have? Here's the latest picture:

I Like Big Butts And I Can Not Lie

2008-09-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

I've received a barrage of emails for more pictures of my big self to be put on the blog. So here you are you lucky people. Behold, my great and spacious belly. Enjoy the fruits of my fruitfulness. Have tidings of great joy that you are not in my state of fatmosis. And finally, feel free to rub my belly for good luck (I do look like a small and furry Buddha).

I'm Riley Gundersen and I Approve This Message.

2008-09-08T11:35:00.001-07:00

I miss Traci so I drew this picture of us together with our matching flag bikinis and the hunting rifles we purchased from "Get Some Guns And Ammo" on State St. I know you would be shocked to find out this picture was in no way photoshopped! One of my main reasons for doing this was so you would have art for your desk at the office. The "Press Button To Operate Donkeys" sign on your desk is looking a little sad and lonely. My picture is printer friendly. Just think of all the office envy this picture would garner. I bet no else at work has a talking pug. I think I look like Mickey Mouse in this picture.

I Don't Know About You But Apparently I'm Fat

2008-09-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

Here's a blog entry about nothing. It's all I got. I haven't gone anywhere. I haven't done anything. Apparently I'm just getting fat! I'm thickening up around the midsection. I'm turning into a watermelon on sticks. I'm starting to resemble my half brother, Loki. This is Loki -- the dog with the glandular problem.

However, this has presented me with extra time on my paws to work on my diabolical plot for pug world domination and time to expound on my radical idealogy. Because I'm laid up I get to watch a lot of daytime TV. Lots. I realized there is someone else with similar aspirations for world domination... Oprah. I have decided to pattern myself after Oprah. That's my plan. It's a good plan. To kick this off, I think the place to start would be my books-of-the-month recommendations. Here are my current reads to bone up on pug pregnancy. I feel they can benefit everyone... SO inspiring. You will be touched!

When I first saw "The Complete Book of Dog Breeding" in the local bookshop I thought it was a horror story. Look at the mauling of that poor Dalmation.

The "Tao of Pugs" dog had me at the Yin Yang outfit.

"Can You Get This Pug Out Of My Coffee" just scares me senseless. And I totally agree pugs saved civilization. I know it and Susanne McCaffery-Saville knows it.

Gotta love the Bruce!

I'm thinking if there was anything else I needed to say. Oh, yeah. So you're all invited to my puppy shower. I don't know what it will be like but I know there will be food. As the details come together I will release more information on my blog. Just to let you know in advance... I am registering at several places (I'll let you know exactly where by sending several paper notices with my invitations and I will have to request gift receipts because frankly I don't trust you to pick out what I want.) I guess I'm the only one that's not ashamed of looking tacky for the sake of a decent present. Yep, that's right. I'm a gift ho!

On a side note, I was at Jake's party (OK, maybe I was a little late to Jake's party) but someone wasn't there who was supposed to be there, Aunt Maren. Come to find out, you came all the way to God's country from Hell (Las Vegas) and you didn't even stop by?! I understand you had time for your internet mistress... but what about your niece pug?! I don't know... I guess all I can say is you are going to have to come up with one helluva puppy shower present or lots of Old Navy dog clothes for me to rectify this. (As a policy matter, I generally don't curse but I do believe in selective cursing and I will use it when damn necessary.)

BTW, did someone cheat on the Celebrity Doggie Deathmatch poll? How did I not win this?! What happened to my handlers?! See if I do another poll on my blog! Okay, I will. Here's a poll I know I'll win.

Who would you rather hang out with? Riley the most amazing pug ever made or annoying small booger pickin' children? You decide. Sean Puffy Diddley Diddy would want you to vote. Your vote counts. This poll could change America as we know it. No more celebrities flying coach. Now that's my vision of America.

Keep in mind my mom is a bikini lawyer. My legal advice to you is not to vote for small booger pickin' children. I pity the fool!

But I was right about Daisy Simpson. Apparently everyone thinks she let herself go. I will say I am happy for Tinkerbell because she is a Chi Chi and my best bloggin friend is a Chi Chi.

On another side note, my big surprise that I was planning to put up on my blog last week didn't happen. Maybe next week... it's a bit more time consuming than I had anticipated. There's so many conflicting schedules to juggle. You'll see what I mean.

And finally, a big shout out to my new bloggin buddy Kristina who may be in the market for a English Bulldog in the near future. I would totally be his/her friend. English Bulldogs are a superior breed... right up there with Pugs and Chi Chis. Right on! You have now been officially inducted into Riley's Bloggin Posse of Fame!

Meet Lulu - My New BBFF

2008-08-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

This is Lulu the Chi-Chi. She's my new Bloggin Best Friend Forever. It's true I may have said some disparaging remarks about Chihuahuas in the past but that was before I knew Lulu. Lulu is the Chihuahua that made me change my position on Chihuahuas. She's just not your average Chi-Chi. She's awesome and here's why:

1) Just look at her cute size. Sometimes I wish I could be this small. Think of how handy this small size would be for me if say... Traci & Jake want to sneak me into the movie theater. I pretty much have to wait for movies to come to OnDemand before I can see them because I'm too fat for Traci's purse. But Lulu's size, problem solved!

2) I hear Lulu is currently expanding her Fall wardrobe. A dog with so many looks is all right in my book. Just look at her cute clothes. I wish we could share outifts but even at my skinniest point I would be too fat. That's a bummer. But I think we would both look hot in a kitty wig!

3) Like everthing else about Lulu, her coloring is not the average Chi-Chi... it's better! Lulu has the coloring of those handsome snow dogs (aka Huskies) that make me weak in the pug legs. Behold...

4) She looks super nice and if we arranged play dates I just know we would have lots of fun. I can tell she and I are all about having fun!

5) Lulu's owner Amanda is super nice and very concerned about pet issues. We just have so much in common. In fact, she has a blog section entitled,"I love animals more than people." She talks about that ASPCA ad with Sarah McLachlan singing In The Arms Of An Angel... I can't watch it either because I cry every time! I tell The People to change the channel immediately.

So, that's a little bit about my new friend Lulu. Hope to see more pictures of her on Amanda's blog. Lulu is cute and should be shared with the world!

Now, when is Jake going to put a "I love animals more than people" section on his blog?!

My Sonogram and Me: A Tail of Adventure & Intrigue

2008-08-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

I got my sonogram today which wasn't really my cup of Postum. But it's official, I'm preggars with "multiple puppies!" Whatever that means?! The nurse wouldn't commit to any number, she just said "multiple puppies" when she looked at this photo:

Obviously the lady is nuts. All I see is something that looks like a small black pumpkin at the top, the bust of Mozart in the middle, and a bright line that looks like the paddle used in the old-fashioned Pong video game at the bottom.

I came out of the vets thinking, The People dragged me out of bed this morning to go to the place I hate most to get cold gel rubbed all over my belly just for this freakish picture?! This is the very definition of asinine.

There was another pug in the waiting room today. OK to fair in the looks department. I don't know what was wrong with it but the girl owner ran over to me and kept talking about my soft fur. I am a people magnet! The guy owner was yelling on his cellphone. He had to step outside.

My due date is Sept. 28th. I'm scheduled for an x-ray on the 22nd. Boy, I'm looking forward to that! Let me tell ya. But as a consolation my pug sister has decided to throw me a puppy shower. I hope I get a lot of stuff. I love stuff.

Grams needed lunch on the way home so a stop at Taco Bell was in order. This is a fine establishment if you ask me. I like the smells. I'm beginning to understand that food pops out of windows at these places so I get excited with giddy anticipation. Grams got two tacos and I pandered all the way home but she didn't even notice me. Dang it! I did some of my best pandering moves too.

On the drive home we saw an apocalyptic, sepia toned cloud rising into the sky near Draper and realized there was a big fire. We just had to stop and get my picture taken with the smoke plume. Cars stopped, people were running around in mass hysteria, others were taking pictures on their smartphones. You would have thought it was a robot uprising or the DNC convention or something really important like that but it was just all smoke and mirrors. Amid the chaos a group of Hispanic brothers turned and laughed at me getting my picture taken with the smoke plume. Apparently they've never seen a pug getting a picture with a smoke plume before. I thought they needed to grow up and get some cojones. I was about to bark this at them but before I knew it I was in the car again and we were off.

Grams had to go to the bank. The lady in the bank window saw me and sent a dog treat through the bank sucky thing. It's the good looks thing again... so many perks, so little time. Unfortunately, the treat was crap. I kicked it off the backseat as fast as puggingly possible.

I'm sensing naptime approaching so I will close this here.

Warning: This Blog Entry May Contain Sexual Content, Language and Thematic Elements

2008-08-22T00:58:00.000-07:00

The People here want me to watch the Olympics with them every night. I do this gladly. Mainly to stay abreast of current events. But I must say that I am tired of hearing the media talking about all the Olympic debacles and scandals this year... McSwimmin, McGymin/McLiuken, McUnderageChineseGirls, McKobe, McSo-called-ugly-girl-singing-for-pretty-girl, blah blah blah. It's just McStupid. I can clear this up in two shakes of a lamb's tail. The US should win all the gold and China is crooked. If there are any other countries participating in the Olympics I just haven't noticed them. 'Nuff said.

Everyone goes on and on about the golden boys and girls of the Olympics. You know, the athletes that do amazing and glorifiable things like basketball, swimming, gymnastics and running. But what about the unsung heros of the Olympics. The underdogs of the sportsmen arena. The strangely compelling and yet revolting to watch at the same time kind of athletes. That's right. I'm talking about the fast-as-a-bat-out-of-hell speed walkers. How come no one ever blogs about their great feats. Perhaps it's because the TV people selected the speed walking portion of the Olympic coverage for late, late night viewers because viewage is probably below non-existent.

Why is that? These guys train hard. They know when they need a drink of water, a banana or power gel (as one sports commentator put it). There are so many complications and nuances of the sport. You can get tapped for going too fast. Maybe even disqualified for going too slow. I don't know about that but it sounds good. Race walking (official name) is like the Survivor of the Olympics. I was watching when 2 guys got kicked off the track. That's drama. These guys have the coolest race track ever. They get to go through misting machines for cooling down purposes (not for sex appeal... I know what you were thinking). They also grab bananas, water bottles and wet sponges from tables lining the track. When done with said banana , water bottle or sponge they throw them at the audience. That keeps it interesting.

Everyone is talking about the beach volleyball outfits (which I wholeheartedly agree are retarded) but if you're lucky you can catch a speed walker in sexy hotpants and a midriff baring sports top. Ooo la la, so Franch! Can someone tell me if the IOC regulates these outfits too? I heard the conspiracy theory about the beach volleyball players' attire and thought perhaps the same terms and conditions applied for the speed walkers. The IOC knows we all want to see a little abs and thigh whenever possible. Beach volleyball players have to worry about a nipple slip; speed walkers have to deal with jockey short chaffing and extreme bum wedgies. (Yet another reason why I don't do pants.) Now here is a man with a super wedgie. Ouch!
The IOC is so ridiculous. I'm waiting for the day they require all athletes to do their sport in a bright red hat (because they should look fancy) or with lopsided fake boobs attached to their shirts (because the Olympics can't get dirty enough apparently).

I think it's time we take a little pride in the men that look like women. I mean, women walking in high heels. It must be hard participating in a sport that everyone laughs at. Which brings to mind... Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller have made fun of Dodgeball and Will Ferrell has made fun of NASCAR, children's soccer and men's pair figure skating, so when will the race walking movie come out? Could be good. Maybe.

As a tribute to these brave souls with gyrating hips I have created a special must-see video. I just love, love, love the little men in little pants.

BTW, I heard they are doing away with softball and baseball. I'm glad to hear it. This will make room for Tic-Tac-Toe and Badge-A-Minute. Two sports I truly love that never get any air time.

Celebrity Deathmatch - Doggy Style!

2008-08-20T18:58:00.000-07:00

It's true. Riley likes a good celebrity deathmatch. Riley also likes to talk about herself in the third person sometimes, too. In the spirit of Aunt Maren's saucy Aniston vs. Jolie blog a while back, I thought I would have a go at this deathmatch thingy. This is for 2 reasons... (1) I want to be like my Aunt Maren, and (2) I feel the world would benefit from my understanding of pet/celebrity relations. It's not like I have much to work with because apparently celebrity pet feuds just don't make it onto the covers of UsWeekly and People magazine. I can't explain why this is because I think people should care about pet drama a lot more than they do. I started thinking about some "pretty" pet faces I sometimes see in the news that I think would be good opponents.

Meet the contenders... Daisy Simpson, Mimi La Rue Spelling, and Tinkerbell Hilton.

Right off the bat I have to deduct points to all 3 pets because their owners are either skanky hos, talentless, or both. Sorry. I just call it as I see it.

Daisy Simpson
Owner: Jessica Simpson
Breed: Malti-Poo (Maltese-poodle mix)

Background story: This is what I know about Daisy. Back in the days of Newlyweds (aka faux charade of true celebrity love show), like most episodes Jessica Simpson was whining about something she wanted to purchase. That day it happened to be about purchasing a pet. In fact, the whole episode was devoted to it -- making for a truly unwatchable hour of TV. She didn't get her way that day. Now, fast forward to the end of season 2. Her then husband Nick Lachey surprised her with the Malti-poo Daisy on stage during one of her concerts. Looking back at the situation now I would have to say this was for one of two reasons... (1) it was purely for drama of the show, perhaps even orchestrated by Papa Simpson, or (2) it was Nick's last ditch attempt to make the Simpson/Lachey marriage work. It didn't. But the world got to know Daisy for better or for worse.

Daisy is named after the character Jessica disastrously portrayed in The Dukes of Hazzard movie. I believe she single handedly destroyed a 3 decade long franchise. It's not that I really like the DOH but I like it more than Jessica Simpson so I will have to deduct a point because whenever I see Daisy or hear the name Daisy I am reminded of this travesty of a film.

Is this a pet or a fashion accessory? No one knows. Daisy is glued to Jessica's hip. Sort of like the X-Files episode where Scully and Moulder are on the lookout for the figi mermaid at the local carny/side show. People are getting murdered and it ends up being the undeveloped, mutated brother of one of the side show acts. He unhooks himself from the normal brother so he can search out other people to attach himself to not meaning to kill them but killing them anyway. I don't believe in unhealthy pet/pet owner relationships and this could be considered debilitating to the pet. Point deducted.

Daisy is spoiled. She is carried around in a Louis Vuitton pet carrier all the time. She is carried around so much that bloggers are starting to worry that the dog has lost it's ability to walk. Frankly, it makes me uncomfortable in a remember when Angelina Jolie carried Maddox around until he was 6 and 1/2 years old kind of way. Weird and weirder. No point.

How can a dog so rich and spoiled also be so dang ugly. U. G. L. Y. you don't got no alibi, you ugly. yeah. yeah. You ugly. Ugly as in the shades of Thurman Murman R.Bil's mix breed dog. It's clear that Daisy has let herself go, much like her owner has let herself go. This is just a tragedy times two. What is this? Can someone please tell me what happened to this pet? She reminds me of an awesomely bad perm nightmare. Point deducted.

As far as I can tell Daisy is not good looking and has contributed nothing to society. No pet charity organizations. No dog clothing collections. No pet handbags. No pet shoes. No high priced CD's. For an owner that markets the crap out of herself I am surprised to say that Daisy is not marketed in the same "I'm just a good ol' country girl, preacher's daughter with Christian values, boob popping" kind of way. Papa Simpson needs to get to work on this.

Mimi La Rue Spelling
Owner: Tori Spelling
Breed: Pug

Background story: I will let Tori tell you in her own words. Actress and dog met seven years ago at a pet store, when Spelling wasn't even looking for a pooch. "My boyfriend at the time wanted a pug, so we did a lot of research. He was getting a boy," Spelling explains to L.A.'s The Pet Press. "And there was this little tiny runt of the litter, a girl pug. I held her and that was it. This was, again, at the pet store in the Beverly Center. I would never buy one at a pet store now, but I didn't know. I wasn't aware."

Mimi La Rue is a kick-butt, old school stripper name like a pro from the Moulin Rouge. I dig this name. Actually, I love it. And I would give her a point for it but I can't because of how I want my ending spiel to go. If I could I would though.

This dog amassed a fortune using her wits alone to come up with her very own pet clothing and jewelry collection which also included her own doggy fragrance NoTorIous, a pink hued perfume with undertones of peach blossom scent. Spelling tells Giant magazine, "My dog Mimi La Rue works with a designer called Little Lily."

Mimi made it big. She lived the good life in Hollywood. Like Homer Simpson's Spiderpig, Mimi too has many looks. I never saw a photo where Mimi wasn't sporting designer duds. A sexy and slimming black sweater or a summery flower dress when weather permitted.

She also co-starred on Tori Spelling's semi-reality series So Notorious. This is serious career stuff right here.

I was starting to get straight up jealous of the pug and I could smell a winner on our hands but that all went out the window for me when I saw the following photos. What Tori did to this dog should be a crime.

Nude or clothed I can go either way depending on my mood. But please, Traci never do this to me. Never.

My other beef with the "Mimi the winner" scenario is how is it that a dog can be so widely marketed for pet clothing and yet no one knows who she is? Sadly, Mimi died a couple months ago. Tori left us with the following quote, "I'm convinced she waited around to make sure I had the daughter I always dreamt about before she left us . . . She was a loving pet and a true diva to the end."

Tinkerbell Hilton
Owner: Paris Hilton
Breed: Chihuahua

Background story: I'm not exactly sure when Tinkerbell came onto the celebrity hussy carry-all scene but there is so much more to this petite pooch than meets the eye.

Apparently, Tinkerbell was a groundbreaker in the use of small dogs as fashion accessories. Paris Hilton often totes Tinkerbell on her nightly rounds, peeking out from the handbag du jour. It's sort of scary that the celebrities of today need props like dogs or Harajuki girls (if you're Gwen Stefani) to even go outside of their mansions, but they do. So some poor animal or Asian girl has to get dragged along for the ride.

Meet "The Plastics" of the dog world: Tinkerbell, Honey Child and Foxy Cleopatra. If I ran into them I would probably pee myself silly. Unfortunately like all good rock bands they broke up when owners Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were in one of their hundreds of feuds.

Tinkerbell made global headlines when she reportedly went missing in summer 2004. Paris posted handmade signs offering a $5,000 reward for the safe return of her dog, who was found soon thereafter at home. It was perhaps this absent-minded display of dog ownership that earned Hilton worst dog owner status in a 2005 poll of best and worst celebrity dog owners conducted by The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog magazines. I don't know whether to give the dog points for trying to escape the Tom Cruise-like, psychotic grasp of Paris Hilton or deduct points for being stupid enough to get lost at home. We'll go with the latter.

As far as her career goes, she has a cameo in Raising Helen with her celebutante mistress Paris. But we can safely say Tinkerbell's career peaked with her tell all book about "tailing Paris Hilton."

I have to admit that I am so over Chihuahuas. Ever since the Taco Bell Chihuahua, you can stick a fork in me. I'm done and done.

This is unreal. I had a nightmare once and this was it. Deja Vu!

No points to any of them, all points to me.

So I hope you enjoyed my completely objective, unbiased, hyperbole-free celebrity pet deathmatch. Just to make sure I am right about this assessment I have created a user-friendly poll so all my bloggin friends can vote.

My Kind of Town, Mt. Pleasantville's My Kind of Town

2008-08-18T00:28:00.000-07:00

Did you miss me? I know you did. Not wanting to disappoint, I have a gem of a blog entry today. First, let me clear up my absence that I'm sure has left you in a Riley Withdrawal Funk for the past week. Number one, I'm getting fat and managing the keyboard is getting tricky. Number two, I'm working on something special and sort of big that will hit my blog sometime next week so wait for it. Number three, I do have a life and I cannot be blogging it away. I'm sorry. I just can't. Enough of the excuses. On to the meaty bits of this story...

So, I hear my parents are looking for prime-o real estate in Utah. Rose Park, Park City and our beloved city of Kaysville have been thrown around. I thought being that I am part of the Gundersen family I should weigh in on this issue.

I took an adventure ride in the car that supposedly seats 7 adults (more like 7 circus clowns [the kind that fit in tiny cars] or 5 adults crampily and 2 legless adults). I was enjoying myself and listening to my bluegrass favorites. There are 6 things you just don't joke about... bluegrass, slush huts, show tunes, American Idol and Russell Crowe. Just don't even go there.

I wasn't even looking for property but this place just hit me right on my little curly tail. Mt. Pleasantville. Not to be confused with Pleasantville the strange black and white 1950's city Reese Witherspoon and Tobey Maguire frolick in eventually turning completely upside down and sexified. Nope, not that one. This one...

It's the kind of place where rusty old farm equiptment and wooden spokes from old wagons are placed in flowerbeds and make for desired garden decor. Everybody has at least one in the yard! The people that own this house wanted to solidify their good standing in the town so they placed a boat load of spokes on both sides of their home.

In fact, the more crap you can fit in your yard, the better it is for everybody. This is what happens when you become a senile horder in Mt. Pleasantville... (Look, it took 3 pictures to catalogue the crap in this yard and it still didn't do it justice and we still missed the crap in the backyard and the crap spilling out onto the street on the side.)

I'm sold on Mt. Pleasantville because it has every modern day convenience you could want and hope for...

We are an active family and it's not a legitimate move for us until we sign up at the local gym.

Here is the gym's guarantee... not too shabby.

Here's our church... not too shabby.

I put my paw down to any town that doesn't have a slush hut establishment.

Here is where we purchase our sundries and prescriptions. And the town even has a Diego Rivera-esque muralist on hand.

Old men in army attire drive around town on 4 wheelers. Check out the family 4 wheelers I found for us. One for Jake, one for Traci and one for me and they are just our size!

Here is the beauty salon that Traci and I would patronize while Jake rides around town on his 4 wheeler in his army attire.

For fun we can catch the only movie that plays at the Basin Drive-In and then stop at the Dairy Freez (the greatest place to eat!) for a strawberry chicken salad (special of the day).

We can quench our thirst quicker at Squirt's.

Every business is run out of someone's home. Everything you could possibly dream of they have... scrapbooking supplies, barber shop, behavioral health care, family dentistry, taxidermy and much more.

Ten or more junk cars and/or school buses in the front yard is the norm and another desired garden decor. There are "NO Trespassing" signs on just about everything. The first thought that comes to mind is this must be a completely armed town. These people take the 2nd amendment seriously.

You know what they say... if there are white trash people there must be white trash pets. And guess what?! There are! White trash pets run amuck. I could be a white trash farm pug (another thing you just don't joke about).

We could set up a business out of our home. Attorney at law from the comforts of our home. I didn't see any lawyer's offices in the area. We may be the first. And how fun would it be to kick people out of their rented junk school buses they set up as homes! Have you ever evicted someone from a trailer camper or their piece of crap wooden shack from pioneer days?

It's not too far from the hustle and bustle of the big neighbor city Manti.

I know by now you are wondering if there is any possibility of real estate availabilities in this luxury town?

I know you are thinking this is a small and unsightly piece of real estate.

It's probably the ugliest thing in the State but check out the possibilities! And it's just two doors down from the sheriff's home.

Hot Dawg for a Hot Dog - Riley's Thoughts on the Local Cuisine Pt. 1

2008-08-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

During your day I'm sure you ask yourself time and time again, "Gee, I wonder what amazing Riley the Pug is doing right now?" or "I sure think that Riley is something special. I wonder what the godmother of pugonomics is up to this very minute?" To answer your astute and thought provoking questions, I am most likely on another road trip adventure.

Today, I found myself in the asphalt jungle of Provo, the heart of Mormon country. If the pavement cracked it would bleed blue and white. Not because of a supernatural GhostBusters II thing but because of team spirit. Love the college towns! The campus was pretty much empty. Sure, there were a few students that don't have a life for the summer vacation and stuck around. But let me tell you if I lived on or around campus I would stick around for all holidays after trying a J-Dawg with special sauce from J-Dawgs Hot Dog Stand. Yummy. Yum. Yum.

RILEY'S ASSESSMENT OF J-DAWG'S:
Product Selection: C+ You can get hot dogs, hot dogs or hot dogs (polish or beef). They also have soda. That's it. Could be better with chips.
Product Quality: A+ The best hot dog I've ever had. It may be the only hot dog I've ever had but they've set the bar high. It's said the only revival to J-Dawgs quality is a place in New York City. See, this isn't your average po-dunk hot dog stand.
Service: A+ Friendly service. At times there can be a long wait depending on the crowd. There's not much to mess up when you only serve 1 1/2 products so there are no mistakes.
Price: B A bit pricey for a hot dog yet this is a J-Dawg with 100% beef and bakery fresh buns.
Riley's recommendation: Hot Dog with special sauce

Here I am at J-Dawgs:

Waiting for my hot dog.

Me at the J-Dawg stand.

Me and my hot dog. The People only let me have one bite. Those hot dawg nazis! I had to share the rest of it with my pug family.

After dinner I played on this plastic car which I have decided to patent for people and their pets thereby solving the world's energy crisis.

Went home through Midway and saw Bridal Veil Falls along the way. It's over rated.

You can easily see how over rated Bridal Veil Falls is when I stand there in comparison.

Did a potty break in Heber. I like the smells up there and the lawn was a good texture. Then we stopped at the Dairy Keen. That's not a misspelling folks. It's really called Dairy Keen. Cheap knock-off. Their slogan is "Home of the Train". How that translates to ice-cream shakes and fast food I don't know. Utah hick humor... will it ever end?!

This Kind of Crazy Merits Commentary

2008-08-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

Apparently even the Japanese people try to pretend one of their own didn't make this. If you were to go up to a Japanese person on the street and ask them if they know the Shonen Knife Band they would roll their eyes and pretend they don't know anything about it. To put this into perspective, it's what Americans do when you ask them about Raffi, the songwriter that puts environmental brainwashing to song for children.

Reasons Why This Music Video Works For Me:
1. I don't know if I've ever had banana chips before, but I'm 96.6% sure I would like them after seeing this video.
2. I too have laser beam destructive eye powers. I just choose not to use them. If, however, my laser beam destructive eye powers could turn things into banana chips there is a 98.7% chance I would consider daily usage. (insert manical laugh here)
3. To the cuteness factor which I rate at 8 out of 10. This is close to 10 out of 10 which is what I hear people give me all the time. What can I say?
4. There's a banana boat in it.
5. It makes me want to party. Party like it's 1999.
6. The walking banana with one eyeball looks like something from a DOS game.
7. It's anime. Since coming here Jen has made me watch so many anime movies with her that I actually like them now. You just have to get past the extreme stupidity and asinine plots/dialogue. I think we should do anime movie nights at the Gundersen domicile when I get back.**
8. It's full of graphic violence set to punk music. Can it get any better than this? I doubt it.

In fact, the only thing this lacks is flying, lots and lots of flying. I would have given it an 11 out of 10. I'm that crazy about it.

P.S. Auntie Maren, do you think we can work this into a duet for when you take me karaoking with you next time you come to visit? It could potentially be the greatest karaoke song there ever was. I know there is a musical interlude but I was thinking we could throw banana chips at the drunks during that portion. We're good looking... we can get away with it!

**FOOTNOTE: It has come to the blog moderator's attention that the end sentence in item #7 "Somehow when you watch anime your life doesn't seem as crappy as it really is." (which has now been deleted) could have been misunderstood. In no way was it said to imply that Riley and/or The Gundersens have a crappy life but it was solely meant to imply that Jen and those that live at the Crenshaw domicile do. I mean we were just rejected by the buy ugly houses people. It just doesn't get crappier than that. So it was realized that this sentiment could be misconstrued and was therefore deleted. Thank you.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold

2008-08-04T22:27:00.000-07:00

Usually my best ideas come when I'm doing absolutely nothing. But on occasion it happens when I'm doing my business in the backyard. This little gem came from the latter.

Everyone knows Traci is the person I love most in the world. There is an old Chinese poem that goes,

"Do you not see
That you and I
Are as the branches
Of one tree?
With your rejoicing
Comes my laughter;
With your sadness
Start my tears.
Love,
Could life be otherwise,
With you and me?"

And I'm pretty sure there is a famous scripture that says," He who messes with thee, messes with me. I pitieth the fool."

With that in mind, here comes the good stuff. A while back Traci and I were talking about our childhoods, wishes and dreams. During this very discussion she told me about the time she was fired from Lagoon. But the details are a whole 'nother conversation. Just let me say that this is the only time she was ever fired from a job. She rocks... I know it and she knows it. The boss people love her!

Traci was able to put this behind her but I on the other hand felt I had to nip it... nip it in the bud! With a worn down pencil and a scrap of paper I found on the floor I sketched out several possibilities of how this would go down. I finally selected the ultimate revenge:

That's right people, I pooped on the Lagoon lawn. Pooped! I pooped on it!

(LEGAL DISCLAIMER: If you happen to be a Lagoon owner, investor or employee and a subscribed reader of my blog please consider the following before taking legal action. The poo in question was in fact fake and was in fact picked up forthwith. Thank you.)

eHarmony Is For The Dogs!

2008-08-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

Let me just give it to you straight. I'm 4 years old, unwed and knocked up by a deceased pug I've never met who is 100 years older then me. After my break-up with Artie, my late night lover, my dating situation got desperate. I want my puppies to be legitimate so I took the leap into the dating scene and that's why I submitted an application to eHarmony. Let me tell you, just because the happy couples on the eHarmony advertisements tell us online dating is normal it doesn't make it so. It doesn't matter how many times they try to make us believe it's fine; you still have to be pretty desperate to try it. I'm just being honest here. If you don't like it then blame it on my owners. They raised me as an opinionated conservative with heavy handed views. If you feel the need to write a nasty defamation of character crap letter keep in mind that my mom is an attorney. So bring it!

I just got my matches today and wanted to get your opinions:

Name: Jean Baptiste Valjean François Cousteau, III (but everyone calls him "Phat Louie")
Profession: Scuba Diver/Marine Biologist/Underwater Filmmaker
Description: He lives in the South of France and is a distant relative of the famous Cousteaus. He does a weekly exploration show on the Discovery Channel. He is the executive administrator on the charity board "Save the Pristine Wastelands of Anwar."
Problems: Long distance relationships... when have those ever worked? A liberal tree hugger doesn't jive with my conservative views. He's a work horse and he's always off to an exotic locale so I'm afraid he won't be there for me or the puppies, leading to eventual cheating and/or divorce. I can see our episode on "Cheaters" now.

Name: Stuntman Bob
Profession: Unemployed since the late 1980's
Description: He lives in his mother's basement. He used to be Chuck Norris' body double but he was let go because he wasn't furry enough.
Problems: If they pumped him with helium he could be a parade float.

Name: Bruiser Woods
Profession: Unemployed heir to a fortune; like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, Bruiser is famous for doing absolutely nothing except looking good (I question the looking good part).
Description: He is a Gemini vegetarian. (This is where I roll my eyes). His mother is an ex-sorority girl turned attorney. His father is Luke Wilson. Bruiser's Bill that passed in Washington about 4 years ago was named after him. He's a snappy dresser and often wears custom designed designer clothing.
Problems: He looks like a catch but apparently he's gay. (Hey, what is he even doing in here?!)

Name: Long Duk Dong
Profession: Subterfuge and Covert Operations Specialist
Description: He is the dictator of a small country off the coast of Indonesia (exact location undisclosed). Currently seeking soulmate with similar aspirations for world domination. His best friends are Dr. Evil, Fidel Castro, the Russian mafia and Kim Jong Il. He is seen as one of the more compassionate communist dictators as he does give his people a whole roll of toilet paper per family.
Problems: Are you kidding?

Name: Hairless Dog from Hell
Profession: Blogger
Description: Gets the most hits on eHarmony.
Problems: Do I really need to comment?

Name: Bow Wow Cool
Profession: Has-Been Celebrity
Description: Born into wealth and power, BW relinquished his title to run away with a band of gypsies. He eventually ended up in Liverpool and joined a group of beetnik musicians. A major record label heard his one hit wonder song entitled,"Nudists in My Vineyard". He has been a has-been celebrity ever since. However, he was recently contacted to join the cast of "Survivor -- Has-Been Celebrity Edition". His picture is the cover of his one hit wonder record.
Problems: I could never get "Nudists in My Vineyard" out of my head.

Name: Scooby Doo
Profession: In the Field of Paranormal Exploration
Description: He lives with a hippie that from the looks of things smokes a lot of pot and eats too much. He lives in a whacked out VW bus. His line of work is ghost hunting and paranormal research. As far as I can tell, they don't pay him for this so I would have to sell home-made candles out of the VW bus for a living.
Problems: We could never have any intense discussions because I can't understand a word he says. Let's be honest, I would be with him for his good looks. Monsters and haunted houses are not a conducive environment for the puppies.

Name: Aunt Sassy
Profession: Bit Part Actor
Description: Had a small part on "The Exorcist".
Problems: He would be good to have around for our Halloween parties but I'm afraid he would scare the crap out of everyone all the other days of the year.

Name: Christoph
Profession: Male Stripper
Description: He can afford to buy me nice things but he is a stripper in Reno. He is currently employed at an "Under the Sea" themed casino/buffet as the dinner show entertainment billed as Lulu the Sea Nymph.
Problems: He is a stripper in Reno. He is currently employed at an "Under the Sea" themed casino/buffet as the dinner show entertainment billed as Lulu the Sea Nymph.

Name: Brad Pitt
Profession: Actor
Description: He can afford to buy me nice things and he doesn't mind adopting other peoples children.
Problems: There is a 99.9% chance he would leave me for another woman in about 5 Hollywood years which to actors is like 50 years in real life.

Bottom line, the picks are dismal so I've pretty much given up on finding Mr.Right. Well, at least finding Mr. Right through online dating services.

The Weirdest Thing To Happen To Me Since Ronaldo

2008-08-01T15:38:00.001-07:00

So, I'm back. That wasn't a big deal. In fact, if I didn't have four little stitches on my tummy I don't think I would even remember I had surgery yesterday. Drugs... works every time! By the way, they also shaved my tummy. This could be a new look for me, sort of G.I. Pug or Britney Spears. It could go either way.

The People were late picking me up. From what I understand one or both of them had a rip in their pants and had to go home to change. This is another reason why I don't do pants. And yeah, the thought crossed my mind that it does sound like a lame excuse for picking me up late. The nurse people gave me a bath this morning so I was all wet on the way back to Shauna's.

My doctor is cool even if he does have a weird name. There were a couple of prestigious dog judges that left several dogs with Dr. Pew for the same operation. One of the judges thought I was a good looking pug. I agreed with that so she's okay in my book.

I don't need pills for pain. I just have to take this anti-inflammatory stuff for a while. My stitches come out in 10 days. Boo-yah!

I can see Loki and Squeaker did diddley squat on the blog. Well, let's assume we're all the better for it.

I didn't know what to expect but since I'm not messed up like an alcoholic rodeo clown I thought I might talk The People into ordering pizza and renting Juno & Best in Show tonight. Who knows... it could be fun.

P.S. The People think it will be a novelty to start a waist watcher for me. Perhaps we can work out a raffle for the winner of my final waist measurement... care to place any bets?

TODAY'S WAIST MEASUREMENT: 22.5 inches

Update On The Riley Pants

2008-07-31T12:24:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to give you a quick update. Riley went to the vet this morning at 8AM. Her progesterone level reached 25. Around 11 o'clock we got a call to let us know that she was just waking up from surgery. She's doing fine. They would like her to stay overnight so the doctors can watch her. This is normal procedure. She's on pug drugs that will make her sleep most of the time and help with any pain. We will pick her up at 9 AM on Friday. This is all good news!

A Girl and Her Pug

2008-07-30T04:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm missing Traci lots. I miss following her around our house. I would follow The People around but it's pointless. When I follow Traci around we get stuff done. I put together a little ode to Traci because it cheers me up. I call it "A Girl and Her Pug". (Be patient in case it's slow to load.)

width="300" height="300">

pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"
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Click below to add background music.

Google Audio Widgetgreat free widgetsWidgetbox

P.S. This may be my last blog post for the next couple of days because of my little surgery. I think I will need the time to recuperate but don't worry I'll be back. In the meantime, I've thought about letting my sister Squeaker (who I believe is the reincarnation of Napolean Bonaparte which I will explain in detail later) or my half brother Loki (who talks like the cookie on "Shrek") guest post on my blog. We'll see.

The Surprise Road Trip to Nowhere

2008-07-30T01:12:00.001-07:00

It was as long and boring as one might expect it to be. It was as if we purposely piled into the car for no reason other than to drive nowhere as fast as we could. When this happens you end up in the badlands of Utah. You may be asking yourself where the "badlands of Utah" are. That's a good question. I slept most of the way there so I can't tell you. I would provide a google map for you but they don't go into the badlands of Utah, for good reason too. There is a lot of nothing and then some sagebrush.

The People stopped at a canyon type land of sorts. There was a cave up in the rockface with colorful drawings of clever phrases and symbols. I looked at The People and thought,"If you think I'm hiking up to that for a photo op you must be kidding." The People seemed disappointed. Apparently something that I was supposed to see wasn't there anymore. All I heard was, "blah, blah, blah... governor's trash sign is gone... blah, blah... weird ward member's gathering sign is missing." I must admit this did intrigue me but before I knew it we were off going nowhere again. In summary, the most exciting part of this "surprise road trip" was an empty bag of KFC in the back of the car.

Here is another picture of me at nowhere (I have also included a photo of an interesting bone I saw in the desert):

The Technicalities of Life Will Come to You

2008-07-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

There are few things I hate more than perky newscasters and liberal democrats aka Socialists (let it be known I am conservative, almost libertarian some may say, and my views may be construed as heavy handed). However, my doctor appointments fall into the category of the "few things I hate more than" list. It is my firm belief that doctor appointments in general qualify as something sent to bedevil the days of dogs. I could go on about what doctor appointments at the Orem Pet Medical Center are like but I wouldn't want to bore you with details. Then again, maybe I do.

Today's appointment was like any other except I have wised up to their methods. The waiting room is okay. I can talk shop with my peeps. We like to talk about all sorts of things but mainly current events. Let me tell you there is a real concern among the talking pet community about the steady rise of gas prices. At one visit a Basset Hound named Little Miss Maggie Moo taught me a dirty ditty called "Juanita, The One Legged Hussy from Juarez."

But back to today's appointment. During one of my intense discussions with FattJake we talked about mind control and the ability to control others by using mind control. This is what so called "hypnotists" use and I found FattJake quite knowledgable on the subject. FattJake had a book about mind control and powers of the mind when he was young. I think mind control books should be required reading in schools today. Whoops! There I go with my heavy handed conservative views. I could tell by the tones in his voice that hypnotism may be his secret dream job.

But back to the appointment. I thought I might be able to use my knowledge of mind control to my advantage. When I saw the nurse coming I sent powerful think waves like: "This dog has already been tested. You do not need to test this dog." and "Testing this dog is futile. Do so at your own risk." When I found that my mind control wasn't working I hid under the chair. I have learned that if I can't see people then I turn invisible. But apparently I was wrong about that too because the nurse grabbed my leash. In my last ditch efforts to escape I slipped my collar and tried to run for... well, anywhere the nurse wasn't. This didn't work either. The nurse laughed adding insult to injury, and the testing ensued.

I would prefer to fast forward to the results. In laymen's terms, I'm still not ready yet. My progesterone level is 3.9 but it needs to be 25-30. They think I will reach this number by Wednesday or Thursday. I'm not supposed to eat or drink after midnight on Tuesday. That's crap. I don't know... is that a conservative view? The People could tell I was distraught so they told me they planned another surprise road trip. Am I surprised... perhaps.

Nope, I'm not Preggers, A Nudist Ranch & Me

2008-07-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

If you thought I had my little surgery on Friday you would be wrong. Friday was pretty much more of the same thing. My next appointment is Monday.

So you might be asking yourself what a good looking pug does on the weekends. Well, let me tell you. Come Sunday morning I was missing the intellectual discussions I would have with FattJake on our back porch so I did the next best thing by visiting The Beaver Creek Nudist Ranch located just east of Kamas, UT. That's right I said Utah. Just in case you missed it... a nudist ranch in Utah. Who knew, right?

Once I saw the blue skivvies someone purposely? threw on the road next to the sign I was thinking this place is worth investigating but I could tell The People were uncomfortable. Not me though. Nude... that's how I roll. And frankly, life moves fast... and sometimes there just isn't time for pants. Things simmered down when The People noticed the "Closed due to Mosquitos" sign. I sort of felt let down by this happenstance. I mean, what are the chances of finding a nudist ranch in Utah but it's closed due to mosquitos. This started me thinking about when a place like this would be open. In winter it would be too cold... in summer mosquitos. What a gyp! This could have been the place where I met Mr. Right.

Moving on... The People thought I would enjoy a walk down their memory lane so we stopped off at Soapstone and Mirror Lake. I went poop at both places which pretty much summarizes what I thought of the whole day.

Draggin' State With Grams and The People

2008-07-24T18:43:00.001-07:00

The People, Grandma Ellen and I dragged State Street last night and all I got to show for it were 2 lousy glow-in-the-dark necklaces. Actually, we just bought one but the lady saw how cute I am and gave us one for free. The perks of being so good looking are endless.

Apparently, The People drag State every year on the night of the 23rd of July. Strange people gather on the streets with chairs, mattresses and the like to camp out for the 24th Parade. The whole thing was very stimulating but the highlight of the evening was the Extreme Bum Fight we almost saw on 4th South and 2nd East. We stopped at a red light and then we heard a conversation that went something like this:

Bum #1: (unintelligable)!!!!! (angry face)
Gangbanger Bums: (making gestures) "WHAT?"
Bum #1: (unintelligable)!!!!! (jumping around)
Gangbanger Bums: (laughing)
Bum #1: (long unintelligable)!!!!! (really, really angry face)
In the middle of this a fat man started to dance in the Burger King parking lot.

This continued (including the fat dancing man) for several more minutes. I thought the light would never change. Jen told me not to worry. If the bums drew guns and started shooting she would cover me. It's nice having a personal bodyguard. I've decided to make FattJake my official bodyguard as soon as I get home.

Then we drove up to the U of U and went past Sono Express. This is where Traci and Jake dated... what a dump! But I hear the food is really good. Maybe I will ask The People to order me some Gyoso when I'm fat, happy and pregnant.

When we got home the other dogs were jealous of my glow-in-the-dark necklaces so I shared with them. You should have seen their faces when I let them wear my necklaces... like orphans from a remote village on Christmas day when Santa comes with presents for the first time in their lives. You would think they never saw a glow-in-the-dark necklace before. I think the dog with the glandular problem got a little too happy about wearing his.

I had just about as much fun as you can have wearing glow-in-the-dark necklaces in a strange car with an 86 year old.

2nd Appointment - Still a No Go

2008-07-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

Me at the Vet

Today was my second appointment. The car ride wasn't so long. I guess the more I take it the less time it seems to be. The waiting room was interesting today too. There were two girls that brought in two baskets full of these weird little dogs. They had chihuahua bodies with scottie dog heads. Anyway, I learned that the two dogs were twin sisters and they had gotten pregnant around the same time. They had their litters 2 days apart. Does anyone else think planned doggie deliveries for twins is a little weird? Secretly inside I wondered if they were with the same man... you know polygamists or something. Of course I would never voice this in front of them... Traci taught me better. Sounds like a couple of loose bitches if you ask me.

It's all about drama in the waiting room of the vets. There was a huge dog. No, not a dog, a horse. She was getting the progesterone test like me. Then there were mommies coming in to have puppies, mommies coming in for puppy check-ups and others coming in for tests.

They took me to the cold, scary room again and did more bum proding. Did I not tell you this would happen again? I panicked a little bit but then I thought, "What would FattJake do in this situation?" and I toughened up fast. I also wanted to make Traci proud.

The doctor said I'm close but not ready yet. My next appointment is on Friday. I asked Blind Boo the Showgirl what this would be like but all she did was babble at me like the crazy cat lady on The Simpsons.

I know Traci pretty much gets what I say to her but to better explain my situation to FattJake I decided to make some nerdy charts and graphs:

P.S. The treats here are still crappy so I need FattJake to Fedex me his famous home-cooked rib bones.

Pregnancy Clothes... For Pets!

2008-07-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

I was online looking for pregnancy clothes for pets and found a whole lot of nothing. Jake, this might be an avenue to pursue. Pregnancy clothes... for pets! I don't know if I can get my mind around the genius of this idea. We could design moo-moos and expandable pants... the options here are endless. I asked the dog with the glandular problem if he would mind being the standard model for the line. He got insulted and walked away so I don't have a definite answer on that one yet. We can have a dress your pet like their favorite celebrity pet section. Money in the bank, my friend, money in the bank.

The 1st Appointment - Disappointing

2008-07-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

Monday was my first appointment. It was a long ride to the doctors and I didn't care for the kennel. When I got there they started to poke things in my bum. I thought if that went on for another minute I would have to drop them a line that I was the pug child of a high powered attorney that would not be happy to hear about this... not at all. The doc said it's not time yet so I have to go through this again on Wed. which pretty much sucks big time. I hope you appreciate all the butt proding that I'm doing here. The doctor also said I have a little ear infection starting so the people here will start nightly ear wipe treatments.

P.S. Blind Boo the Showgirl kicked me off my leopard bed so I'm sleeping on her orthepedic fluffy one. Overall, I give this place 2 stars. Let's just say if they had better treats around here I would give them a solid 3. They did give me a Dingo bone which was exciting for all of 2 minutes... I haven't felt the need to wrap my lips around it again. I wish they would just remove it from my room.

The Welcome - A Reunion with the Folks

2008-07-22T17:58:00.001-07:00

So, I was dropped off by FattJake to the pug farm on Sunday. It was nice to see the fam... my half brothers (Duncan and Loki) and full sister (Squeaker). Blind Boo the Showgirl is my mom. She's doing good. It was nice to see her again. My dad doesn't live here. I've only seen him once but my mom curses his name even today.

I ran around the yard for a long time and got reacquainted with everyone. We all had a little bit of Jen's banana shake except Loki because he's lactose intolerant and has a glandular problem of some kind. He's lost 10 pounds but if you ask me he still looks like a barrel on sticks. He is one of Bogart's puppies. I shudder to think that I could end up with 6 Lokis so I try not to think about it. After the initial excitement of seeing everyone wore off I really started to miss Traci and Jake and did a little binge eatting on my diet food before bedtime.

Riley & Squeaker

Riley