All In The Family

I thought I would talk a little bit about my pug family because I'm pretty sure you're dying to know this stuff. Here is a video that sort of explains it all.


Okay, so it totally doesn't explain anything! My pug family story is more like the behind-the-scenes Brady Bunch story. The sordid kind.

Here is a list of the playas:

Bogart
Bred for his skills in magic. Bogart is pretty much the best pug dog there ever was (besides me). He is my step-dad grandpa and the father of my puppies. In his youth, Bogart enjoyed running through the sprinklers, eatting snow and going on rides. One of his special powers was drive-thru food perceptive cognative mind waves. Yeah, he pretty much could have done magic tricks and/or hypnotism.

Bacall
She could be considered a miniature version of a pug. Bacall likes to spin around like a whirling dervish. She has one snaggle tooth she uses to intimidate her enemies. She likes chicken nuggets and soft food. She likes to bark a lot. In her younger years Bacall was the boss. She would grab Bogart's leash and pull him around the room. Bacall is like 500 years old but she's still around. She sleeps most of the time. She's like the cryptkeeper of the pug world.

Princess Caraboo (Boo)
Boo is my mom. She is an ex-showgirl that retired several years ago. She placed 3rd in the shows most of the time. The only time she won a first prize ribbon was when she was the only pug in her category. That never seemed to bother her. She's still a showgirl at heart. She has her way with the men folk. She's never married but she's raised 11 indiscretions. For a short period Boo went through a pirate fetish stage. Boo likes to lick just about everything... plastic gates, dog ears, elbows, legs, whatever she can. Even though she's blind, she is master at intense stare downs. This picture was taken before Boo went blind... look at those crazy eyes! She is now into new age healing and religion. She loves crispy chicken, squeaky cheese and handicrafts.

Duncan
My brother Duncan is currently single. He's a catch. He's pretty much in heat every day of the year. That's right... he's a little horny. Duncan loves his outdoor crib (which is basically a wire corral). The brothers had to be separated after the big fallout over nothing. When the boys are together Duncan goes in his crib. Water tastes better to him outside. He wants to be a summit dog and he probably could be. He has lion paws and a double curl twisty tail (rare in the pug world). He loves to eat. He has the emotional capacity of a small child. He is the biggest pug ever but thinks he is miniature pug size. He can do the major chin thing. Bogart can do the chin thing but Duncan does a major chin thing when he's not happy. He's athletic and husky, muscular and pretty. The perfect stud dog qualities.

Loki
He's not bred for his skills in magic even though (if you can believe this) a stud dog farm wanted him when he was a puppy. Loki, the stud dog. That's funny. Some people wonder about the name Loki. Loki was named for the Norse god of mischief... that tells you a little about Loki the pug. Loki loves to eat. Sometimes he sneaks regular food from the other dog's dishes. He's stealthy and sly in a lumbering obvious kind of way. When he was younger he would pull all the toilet paper off the roll and run around the house with it in his mouth. He barks like a girl. He runs like a wambat and smashes his enemies under his supple weightiness. His major defensive mechanism (something he likes to work on a lot) is his play dead skills where he basically just falls on the floor. He uses his weight to his advantage. When he doesn't want to do something he falls on the floor and won't get up. He makes you pick him up but he makes sure his body is at it's most supple, fat and slippery stage. Loki is a minx.

Black Bart
Black Bart has a woman in every port. He is a stud dog that lives on a farm in Wyoming. He's a champion pug dog. All first ribbons... no 3rd place ribbons for him. He is considered good looking. I don't know how many puppies he's had... probably 150. In many ways he lives a polygamist's life, the only difference being that he doesn't have to raise, feed or care for any of his children.

Squeaker
My sister Squeaker runs the family I'm living with now. She is the head of a secret pug society working towards world domination... just like the Masons. She specializes in army warfare and covert operations. She is fluent in French and has a pug deity complex. We all think she is the reincarnation of Napoleon Bonaparte. There are a few reasons for this: 1) Napoleon's wife Josephine had a pug that she loved dearly. Napoleon hated this pug and the pug hated Napoleon. It was a constant power struggle between man and pug. We think it's entirely possible that Napoleon got his just desserts when he was reincarnated as a pug... a girl pug! 2) This would explain Squeaker's French accent. 3) This would also explain Squeaker's need for control and world domination plots. In so many ways she's just like Stewie on the Family Guy. We also call her Mensa Pug.

The Blackies
The Blackies are my brother and 2 sisters. My brother's name is Farnsworth and my sister's names are Senora and Kiki. Although I think Kiki became Beyonce when she went to live with my dad. I love the Blackies. I wish I could see them again. We used to run around the house as puppies. I was the most outgoing and fun to be around of course but they had their high points. For years I thought I was a blackie too.

Riley
I'm bred for my good looks. I love to follow Traci around our house. I love it when she cooks. I love it when she cooks and I get the leftovers. I have sweaty paws. That is unique to me. I don't know how to bark but Squeaker is teaching me well. I like to have my ears licked. I like to poop in the neighbor's yard... they are none the wiser. I like to humor Squeaker when she starts talking about world domination plots. I like to humor Jake when he starts talking about politics and economics. I'm pretty sure I'm a Mensa Pug too. I scored 160 on a puppy IQ test.

Powdermilk Biscuit Break
This first portion of my blog is brought to you by Powdermilk Biscuits in the big blue box with a picture of the biscuit on the cover. Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! (That's right, I'm pimping myself for adverts now. Just think, your ad could be here!)

Okay, where to begin this tale of intrigue, seduction, gambling debts and mayhem. Bogart was married to Bacall. It was Bogart and Bacall all the way until it was discovered that Bacall couldn't have children. So, Bogart decided to step out with a second wife or concubine (whatever you want to call it... so Old Testament, right?). The second wife was my mother Boo. She had her first litter of five in 2002. My half brothers Loki and Duncan came out of this batch. For some reason Bogart wasn't impressed with them and disowned them immediately.

Now, let it be known that my mom Showgirl Boo had a wild streak in her... carefree and loose is another way to put it. Let it also be known that Bogart was 50 human years Boo's senior. Well, as you can tell that didn't sit well with Boo and there had always been contention between her and the first wife Bacall. This left the relationship strained. Boo was heading up in the world. Boo had her first prize blue ribbon and her looks to recommend her and she wanted to have a little fun. That's hard to do with a grandpa for a husband.

Enter Black Bart (he does sound like a pirate but he isn't). Black Bart is a dog champion. He was handsome in all his rough exterior, masculine-ness but underneath he had a soft caramel center of passion. Just the Mr. Right Boo had been looking for. She used her feminine wiles to seduce Black Bart. Although it doesn't take much when it's the season for lovin'. I think Black Bart would pretty much go for any girl that looked his way. As were the days of Woodstock and hippies smokin' pot, the relationship was all about sex and shortlived. However, they did conceive 2 pug children: a little black boy and a little fawn girl. The little black boy didn't make it but the little fawn girl that was raised as a bratty, special needs only child became my full sister Squeaker. Even though Boo had 6 children at this point she felt lonely and wanted more. Some people eat to soothe emotions... my mom produces.

Boo decided to have a go with Black Bart again. Some habits die hard. This time mom had 4 little puppies: 3 blackies and me! I grew up in the ghetto of pugdom. My mom wanted Black Bart to settle down. He couldn't commit to this and the relationship disintegrated. I only met my dad one time. That was when he picked up one of my black sisters to live with him. The funny thing is by this time Bogart was really old... like 13 years old and senile and he thought the blackies and me were his puppies. It was the happiest he ever was. He was so proud of us. The sad thing is that Bogart died shortly after we were born.

Which brings me to the father of the puppies. Now get this... The People froze Bogart's stuff. My People wanted me to have a litter. So the father is Great-Great-Grandpa Bogart, a pug I barely knew. You couldn't write this stuff in a Lifetime movie. Okay, well maybe you could... in fact, they do it all the time! This is like Demolition Man meets Kate & Leopold without the romance.

So, I'm popping with Bogart's posthumous puppies. My x-ray appointment is today. I should find out how many puppies I'm having and if I can do this the natural way or c-section.