I Like Big Butts And I Can Not Lie

I've received a barrage of emails for more pictures of my big self to be put on the blog. So here you are you lucky people. Behold, my great and spacious belly. Enjoy the fruits of my fruitfulness. Have tidings of great joy that you are not in my state of fatmosis. And finally, feel free to rub my belly for good luck (I do look like a small and furry Buddha).

I'm Riley Gundersen and I Approve This Message.

I miss Traci so I drew this picture of us together with our matching flag bikinis and the hunting rifles we purchased from "Get Some Guns And Ammo" on State St. I know you would be shocked to find out this picture was in no way photoshopped! One of my main reasons for doing this was so you would have art for your desk at the office. The "Press Button To Operate Donkeys" sign on your desk is looking a little sad and lonely. My picture is printer friendly. Just think of all the office envy this picture would garner. I bet no else at work has a talking pug. I think I look like Mickey Mouse in this picture.

I Don't Know About You But Apparently I'm Fat

Here's a blog entry about nothing. It's all I got. I haven't gone anywhere. I haven't done anything. Apparently I'm just getting fat! I'm thickening up around the midsection. I'm turning into a watermelon on sticks. I'm starting to resemble my half brother, Loki. This is Loki -- the dog with the glandular problem.

However, this has presented me with extra time on my paws to work on my diabolical plot for pug world domination and time to expound on my radical idealogy. Because I'm laid up I get to watch a lot of daytime TV. Lots. I realized there is someone else with similar aspirations for world domination... Oprah. I have decided to pattern myself after Oprah. That's my plan. It's a good plan. To kick this off, I think the place to start would be my books-of-the-month recommendations. Here are my current reads to bone up on pug pregnancy. I feel they can benefit everyone... SO inspiring. You will be touched!

When I first saw "The Complete Book of Dog Breeding" in the local bookshop I thought it was a horror story. Look at the mauling of that poor Dalmation.

The "Tao of Pugs" dog had me at the Yin Yang outfit.

"Can You Get This Pug Out Of My Coffee" just scares me senseless. And I totally agree pugs saved civilization. I know it and Susanne McCaffery-Saville knows it.

Gotta love the Bruce!

I'm thinking if there was anything else I needed to say. Oh, yeah. So you're all invited to my puppy shower. I don't know what it will be like but I know there will be food. As the details come together I will release more information on my blog. Just to let you know in advance... I am registering at several places (I'll let you know exactly where by sending several paper notices with my invitations and I will have to request gift receipts because frankly I don't trust you to pick out what I want.) I guess I'm the only one that's not ashamed of looking tacky for the sake of a decent present. Yep, that's right. I'm a gift ho!

On a side note, I was at Jake's party (OK, maybe I was a little late to Jake's party) but someone wasn't there who was supposed to be there, Aunt Maren. Come to find out, you came all the way to God's country from Hell (Las Vegas) and you didn't even stop by?! I understand you had time for your internet mistress... but what about your niece pug?! I don't know... I guess all I can say is you are going to have to come up with one helluva puppy shower present or lots of Old Navy dog clothes for me to rectify this. (As a policy matter, I generally don't curse but I do believe in selective cursing and I will use it when damn necessary.)

BTW, did someone cheat on the Celebrity Doggie Deathmatch poll? How did I not win this?! What happened to my handlers?! See if I do another poll on my blog! Okay, I will. Here's a poll I know I'll win.

Who would you rather hang out with? Riley the most amazing pug ever made or annoying small booger pickin' children? You decide. Sean Puffy Diddley Diddy would want you to vote. Your vote counts. This poll could change America as we know it. No more celebrities flying coach. Now that's my vision of America.

Keep in mind my mom is a bikini lawyer. My legal advice to you is not to vote for small booger pickin' children. I pity the fool!

But I was right about Daisy Simpson. Apparently everyone thinks she let herself go. I will say I am happy for Tinkerbell because she is a Chi Chi and my best bloggin friend is a Chi Chi.

On another side note, my big surprise that I was planning to put up on my blog last week didn't happen. Maybe next week... it's a bit more time consuming than I had anticipated. There's so many conflicting schedules to juggle. You'll see what I mean.

And finally, a big shout out to my new bloggin buddy Kristina who may be in the market for a English Bulldog in the near future. I would totally be his/her friend. English Bulldogs are a superior breed... right up there with Pugs and Chi Chis. Right on! You have now been officially inducted into Riley's Bloggin Posse of Fame!

Meet Lulu - My New BBFF

This is Lulu the Chi-Chi. She's my new Bloggin Best Friend Forever. It's true I may have said some disparaging remarks about Chihuahuas in the past but that was before I knew Lulu. Lulu is the Chihuahua that made me change my position on Chihuahuas. She's just not your average Chi-Chi. She's awesome and here's why:

1) Just look at her cute size. Sometimes I wish I could be this small. Think of how handy this small size would be for me if say... Traci & Jake want to sneak me into the movie theater. I pretty much have to wait for movies to come to OnDemand before I can see them because I'm too fat for Traci's purse. But Lulu's size, problem solved!

2) I hear Lulu is currently expanding her Fall wardrobe. A dog with so many looks is all right in my book. Just look at her cute clothes. I wish we could share outifts but even at my skinniest point I would be too fat. That's a bummer. But I think we would both look hot in a kitty wig!

3) Like everthing else about Lulu, her coloring is not the average Chi-Chi... it's better! Lulu has the coloring of those handsome snow dogs (aka Huskies) that make me weak in the pug legs. Behold...

4) She looks super nice and if we arranged play dates I just know we would have lots of fun. I can tell she and I are all about having fun!

5) Lulu's owner Amanda is super nice and very concerned about pet issues. We just have so much in common. In fact, she has a blog section entitled,"I love animals more than people." She talks about that ASPCA ad with Sarah McLachlan singing In The Arms Of An Angel... I can't watch it either because I cry every time! I tell The People to change the channel immediately.

So, that's a little bit about my new friend Lulu. Hope to see more pictures of her on Amanda's blog. Lulu is cute and should be shared with the world!

Now, when is Jake going to put a "I love animals more than people" section on his blog?!

My Sonogram and Me: A Tail of Adventure & Intrigue

I got my sonogram today which wasn't really my cup of Postum. But it's official, I'm preggars with "multiple puppies!" Whatever that means?! The nurse wouldn't commit to any number, she just said "multiple puppies" when she looked at this photo:

Obviously the lady is nuts. All I see is something that looks like a small black pumpkin at the top, the bust of Mozart in the middle, and a bright line that looks like the paddle used in the old-fashioned Pong video game at the bottom.

I came out of the vets thinking, The People dragged me out of bed this morning to go to the place I hate most to get cold gel rubbed all over my belly just for this freakish picture?! This is the very definition of asinine.

There was another pug in the waiting room today. OK to fair in the looks department. I don't know what was wrong with it but the girl owner ran over to me and kept talking about my soft fur. I am a people magnet! The guy owner was yelling on his cellphone. He had to step outside.

My due date is Sept. 28th. I'm scheduled for an x-ray on the 22nd. Boy, I'm looking forward to that! Let me tell ya. But as a consolation my pug sister has decided to throw me a puppy shower. I hope I get a lot of stuff. I love stuff.

Grams needed lunch on the way home so a stop at Taco Bell was in order. This is a fine establishment if you ask me. I like the smells. I'm beginning to understand that food pops out of windows at these places so I get excited with giddy anticipation. Grams got two tacos and I pandered all the way home but she didn't even notice me. Dang it! I did some of my best pandering moves too.

On the drive home we saw an apocalyptic, sepia toned cloud rising into the sky near Draper and realized there was a big fire. We just had to stop and get my picture taken with the smoke plume. Cars stopped, people were running around in mass hysteria, others were taking pictures on their smartphones. You would have thought it was a robot uprising or the DNC convention or something really important like that but it was just all smoke and mirrors. Amid the chaos a group of Hispanic brothers turned and laughed at me getting my picture taken with the smoke plume. Apparently they've never seen a pug getting a picture with a smoke plume before. I thought they needed to grow up and get some cojones. I was about to bark this at them but before I knew it I was in the car again and we were off.

Grams had to go to the bank. The lady in the bank window saw me and sent a dog treat through the bank sucky thing. It's the good looks thing again... so many perks, so little time. Unfortunately, the treat was crap. I kicked it off the backseat as fast as puggingly possible.

I'm sensing naptime approaching so I will close this here.

Warning: This Blog Entry May Contain Sexual Content, Language and Thematic Elements

The People here want me to watch the Olympics with them every night. I do this gladly. Mainly to stay abreast of current events. But I must say that I am tired of hearing the media talking about all the Olympic debacles and scandals this year... McSwimmin, McGymin/McLiuken, McUnderageChineseGirls, McKobe, McSo-called-ugly-girl-singing-for-pretty-girl, blah blah blah. It's just McStupid. I can clear this up in two shakes of a lamb's tail. The US should win all the gold and China is crooked. If there are any other countries participating in the Olympics I just haven't noticed them. 'Nuff said.

Everyone goes on and on about the golden boys and girls of the Olympics. You know, the athletes that do amazing and glorifiable things like basketball, swimming, gymnastics and running. But what about the unsung heros of the Olympics. The underdogs of the sportsmen arena. The strangely compelling and yet revolting to watch at the same time kind of athletes. That's right. I'm talking about the fast-as-a-bat-out-of-hell speed walkers. How come no one ever blogs about their great feats. Perhaps it's because the TV people selected the speed walking portion of the Olympic coverage for late, late night viewers because viewage is probably below non-existent.


Why is that? These guys train hard. They know when they need a drink of water, a banana or power gel (as one sports commentator put it). There are so many complications and nuances of the sport. You can get tapped for going too fast. Maybe even disqualified for going too slow. I don't know about that but it sounds good. Race walking (official name) is like the Survivor of the Olympics. I was watching when 2 guys got kicked off the track. That's drama. These guys have the coolest race track ever. They get to go through misting machines for cooling down purposes (not for sex appeal... I know what you were thinking). They also grab bananas, water bottles and wet sponges from tables lining the track. When done with said banana , water bottle or sponge they throw them at the audience. That keeps it interesting.


Everyone is talking about the beach volleyball outfits (which I wholeheartedly agree are retarded) but if you're lucky you can catch a speed walker in sexy hotpants and a midriff baring sports top. Ooo la la, so Franch! Can someone tell me if the IOC regulates these outfits too? I heard the conspiracy theory about the beach volleyball players' attire and thought perhaps the same terms and conditions applied for the speed walkers. The IOC knows we all want to see a little abs and thigh whenever possible. Beach volleyball players have to worry about a nipple slip; speed walkers have to deal with jockey short chaffing and extreme bum wedgies. (Yet another reason why I don't do pants.) Now here is a man with a super wedgie. Ouch!
The IOC is so ridiculous. I'm waiting for the day they require all athletes to do their sport in a bright red hat (because they should look fancy) or with lopsided fake boobs attached to their shirts (because the Olympics can't get dirty enough apparently).

I think it's time we take a little pride in the men that look like women. I mean, women walking in high heels. It must be hard participating in a sport that everyone laughs at. Which brings to mind... Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller have made fun of Dodgeball and Will Ferrell has made fun of NASCAR, children's soccer and men's pair figure skating, so when will the race walking movie come out? Could be good. Maybe.

As a tribute to these brave souls with gyrating hips I have created a special must-see video. I just love, love, love the little men in little pants.

BTW, I heard they are doing away with softball and baseball. I'm glad to hear it. This will make room for Tic-Tac-Toe and Badge-A-Minute. Two sports I truly love that never get any air time.

Celebrity Deathmatch - Doggy Style!

It's true. Riley likes a good celebrity deathmatch. Riley also likes to talk about herself in the third person sometimes, too. In the spirit of Aunt Maren's saucy Aniston vs. Jolie blog a while back, I thought I would have a go at this deathmatch thingy. This is for 2 reasons... (1) I want to be like my Aunt Maren, and (2) I feel the world would benefit from my understanding of pet/celebrity relations. It's not like I have much to work with because apparently celebrity pet feuds just don't make it onto the covers of UsWeekly and People magazine. I can't explain why this is because I think people should care about pet drama a lot more than they do. I started thinking about some "pretty" pet faces I sometimes see in the news that I think would be good opponents.

Meet the contenders... Daisy Simpson, Mimi La Rue Spelling, and Tinkerbell Hilton.

Right off the bat I have to deduct points to all 3 pets because their owners are either skanky hos, talentless, or both. Sorry. I just call it as I see it.

Daisy Simpson
Owner: Jessica Simpson
Breed: Malti-Poo (Maltese-poodle mix)


Background story: This is what I know about Daisy. Back in the days of Newlyweds (aka faux charade of true celebrity love show), like most episodes Jessica Simpson was whining about something she wanted to purchase. That day it happened to be about purchasing a pet. In fact, the whole episode was devoted to it -- making for a truly unwatchable hour of TV. She didn't get her way that day. Now, fast forward to the end of season 2. Her then husband Nick Lachey surprised her with the Malti-poo Daisy on stage during one of her concerts. Looking back at the situation now I would have to say this was for one of two reasons... (1) it was purely for drama of the show, perhaps even orchestrated by Papa Simpson, or (2) it was Nick's last ditch attempt to make the Simpson/Lachey marriage work. It didn't. But the world got to know Daisy for better or for worse.

Daisy is named after the character Jessica disastrously portrayed in The Dukes of Hazzard movie. I believe she single handedly destroyed a 3 decade long franchise. It's not that I really like the DOH but I like it more than Jessica Simpson so I will have to deduct a point because whenever I see Daisy or hear the name Daisy I am reminded of this travesty of a film.

Is this a pet or a fashion accessory? No one knows. Daisy is glued to Jessica's hip. Sort of like the X-Files episode where Scully and Moulder are on the lookout for the figi mermaid at the local carny/side show. People are getting murdered and it ends up being the undeveloped, mutated brother of one of the side show acts. He unhooks himself from the normal brother so he can search out other people to attach himself to not meaning to kill them but killing them anyway. I don't believe in unhealthy pet/pet owner relationships and this could be considered debilitating to the pet. Point deducted.

Daisy is spoiled. She is carried around in a Louis Vuitton pet carrier all the time. She is carried around so much that bloggers are starting to worry that the dog has lost it's ability to walk. Frankly, it makes me uncomfortable in a remember when Angelina Jolie carried Maddox around until he was 6 and 1/2 years old kind of way. Weird and weirder. No point.


How can a dog so rich and spoiled also be so dang ugly. U. G. L. Y. you don't got no alibi, you ugly. yeah. yeah. You ugly. Ugly as in the shades of Thurman Murman R.Bil's mix breed dog. It's clear that Daisy has let herself go, much like her owner has let herself go. This is just a tragedy times two. What is this? Can someone please tell me what happened to this pet? She reminds me of an awesomely bad perm nightmare. Point deducted.

As far as I can tell Daisy is not good looking and has contributed nothing to society. No pet charity organizations. No dog clothing collections. No pet handbags. No pet shoes. No high priced CD's. For an owner that markets the crap out of herself I am surprised to say that Daisy is not marketed in the same "I'm just a good ol' country girl, preacher's daughter with Christian values, boob popping" kind of way. Papa Simpson needs to get to work on this.

Mimi La Rue Spelling
Owner: Tori Spelling
Breed: Pug


Background story: I will let Tori tell you in her own words. Actress and dog met seven years ago at a pet store, when Spelling wasn't even looking for a pooch. "My boyfriend at the time wanted a pug, so we did a lot of research. He was getting a boy," Spelling explains to L.A.'s The Pet Press. "And there was this little tiny runt of the litter, a girl pug. I held her and that was it. This was, again, at the pet store in the Beverly Center. I would never buy one at a pet store now, but I didn't know. I wasn't aware."

Mimi La Rue is a kick-butt, old school stripper name like a pro from the Moulin Rouge. I dig this name. Actually, I love it. And I would give her a point for it but I can't because of how I want my ending spiel to go. If I could I would though.


This dog amassed a fortune using her wits alone to come up with her very own pet clothing and jewelry collection which also included her own doggy fragrance NoTorIous, a pink hued perfume with undertones of peach blossom scent. Spelling tells Giant magazine, "My dog Mimi La Rue works with a designer called Little Lily."


Mimi made it big. She lived the good life in Hollywood. Like Homer Simpson's Spiderpig, Mimi too has many looks. I never saw a photo where Mimi wasn't sporting designer duds. A sexy and slimming black sweater or a summery flower dress when weather permitted.


She also co-starred on Tori Spelling's semi-reality series So Notorious. This is serious career stuff right here.

I was starting to get straight up jealous of the pug and I could smell a winner on our hands but that all went out the window for me when I saw the following photos. What Tori did to this dog should be a crime.

Nude or clothed I can go either way depending on my mood. But please, Traci never do this to me. Never.

My other beef with the "Mimi the winner" scenario is how is it that a dog can be so widely marketed for pet clothing and yet no one knows who she is? Sadly, Mimi died a couple months ago. Tori left us with the following quote, "I'm convinced she waited around to make sure I had the daughter I always dreamt about before she left us . . . She was a loving pet and a true diva to the end."

Tinkerbell Hilton
Owner: Paris Hilton
Breed: Chihuahua


Background story: I'm not exactly sure when Tinkerbell came onto the celebrity hussy carry-all scene but there is so much more to this petite pooch than meets the eye.

Apparently, Tinkerbell was a groundbreaker in the use of small dogs as fashion accessories. Paris Hilton often totes Tinkerbell on her nightly rounds, peeking out from the handbag du jour. It's sort of scary that the celebrities of today need props like dogs or Harajuki girls (if you're Gwen Stefani) to even go outside of their mansions, but they do. So some poor animal or Asian girl has to get dragged along for the ride.

Meet "The Plastics" of the dog world: Tinkerbell, Honey Child and Foxy Cleopatra. If I ran into them I would probably pee myself silly. Unfortunately like all good rock bands they broke up when owners Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were in one of their hundreds of feuds.


Tinkerbell made global headlines when she reportedly went missing in summer 2004. Paris posted handmade signs offering a $5,000 reward for the safe return of her dog, who was found soon thereafter at home. It was perhaps this absent-minded display of dog ownership that earned Hilton worst dog owner status in a 2005 poll of best and worst celebrity dog owners conducted by The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog magazines. I don't know whether to give the dog points for trying to escape the Tom Cruise-like, psychotic grasp of Paris Hilton or deduct points for being stupid enough to get lost at home. We'll go with the latter.

As far as her career goes, she has a cameo in Raising Helen with her celebutante mistress Paris. But we can safely say Tinkerbell's career peaked with her tell all book about "tailing Paris Hilton."

I have to admit that I am so over Chihuahuas. Ever since the Taco Bell Chihuahua, you can stick a fork in me. I'm done and done.

This is unreal. I had a nightmare once and this was it. Deja Vu!

No points to any of them, all points to me.

So I hope you enjoyed my completely objective, unbiased, hyperbole-free celebrity pet deathmatch. Just to make sure I am right about this assessment I have created a user-friendly poll so all my bloggin friends can vote.