Celebrity Deathmatch - Doggy Style!

It's true. Riley likes a good celebrity deathmatch. Riley also likes to talk about herself in the third person sometimes, too. In the spirit of Aunt Maren's saucy Aniston vs. Jolie blog a while back, I thought I would have a go at this deathmatch thingy. This is for 2 reasons... (1) I want to be like my Aunt Maren, and (2) I feel the world would benefit from my understanding of pet/celebrity relations. It's not like I have much to work with because apparently celebrity pet feuds just don't make it onto the covers of UsWeekly and People magazine. I can't explain why this is because I think people should care about pet drama a lot more than they do. I started thinking about some "pretty" pet faces I sometimes see in the news that I think would be good opponents.

Meet the contenders... Daisy Simpson, Mimi La Rue Spelling, and Tinkerbell Hilton.

Right off the bat I have to deduct points to all 3 pets because their owners are either skanky hos, talentless, or both. Sorry. I just call it as I see it.

Daisy Simpson
Owner: Jessica Simpson
Breed: Malti-Poo (Maltese-poodle mix)


Background story: This is what I know about Daisy. Back in the days of Newlyweds (aka faux charade of true celebrity love show), like most episodes Jessica Simpson was whining about something she wanted to purchase. That day it happened to be about purchasing a pet. In fact, the whole episode was devoted to it -- making for a truly unwatchable hour of TV. She didn't get her way that day. Now, fast forward to the end of season 2. Her then husband Nick Lachey surprised her with the Malti-poo Daisy on stage during one of her concerts. Looking back at the situation now I would have to say this was for one of two reasons... (1) it was purely for drama of the show, perhaps even orchestrated by Papa Simpson, or (2) it was Nick's last ditch attempt to make the Simpson/Lachey marriage work. It didn't. But the world got to know Daisy for better or for worse.

Daisy is named after the character Jessica disastrously portrayed in The Dukes of Hazzard movie. I believe she single handedly destroyed a 3 decade long franchise. It's not that I really like the DOH but I like it more than Jessica Simpson so I will have to deduct a point because whenever I see Daisy or hear the name Daisy I am reminded of this travesty of a film.

Is this a pet or a fashion accessory? No one knows. Daisy is glued to Jessica's hip. Sort of like the X-Files episode where Scully and Moulder are on the lookout for the figi mermaid at the local carny/side show. People are getting murdered and it ends up being the undeveloped, mutated brother of one of the side show acts. He unhooks himself from the normal brother so he can search out other people to attach himself to not meaning to kill them but killing them anyway. I don't believe in unhealthy pet/pet owner relationships and this could be considered debilitating to the pet. Point deducted.

Daisy is spoiled. She is carried around in a Louis Vuitton pet carrier all the time. She is carried around so much that bloggers are starting to worry that the dog has lost it's ability to walk. Frankly, it makes me uncomfortable in a remember when Angelina Jolie carried Maddox around until he was 6 and 1/2 years old kind of way. Weird and weirder. No point.


How can a dog so rich and spoiled also be so dang ugly. U. G. L. Y. you don't got no alibi, you ugly. yeah. yeah. You ugly. Ugly as in the shades of Thurman Murman R.Bil's mix breed dog. It's clear that Daisy has let herself go, much like her owner has let herself go. This is just a tragedy times two. What is this? Can someone please tell me what happened to this pet? She reminds me of an awesomely bad perm nightmare. Point deducted.

As far as I can tell Daisy is not good looking and has contributed nothing to society. No pet charity organizations. No dog clothing collections. No pet handbags. No pet shoes. No high priced CD's. For an owner that markets the crap out of herself I am surprised to say that Daisy is not marketed in the same "I'm just a good ol' country girl, preacher's daughter with Christian values, boob popping" kind of way. Papa Simpson needs to get to work on this.

Mimi La Rue Spelling
Owner: Tori Spelling
Breed: Pug


Background story: I will let Tori tell you in her own words. Actress and dog met seven years ago at a pet store, when Spelling wasn't even looking for a pooch. "My boyfriend at the time wanted a pug, so we did a lot of research. He was getting a boy," Spelling explains to L.A.'s The Pet Press. "And there was this little tiny runt of the litter, a girl pug. I held her and that was it. This was, again, at the pet store in the Beverly Center. I would never buy one at a pet store now, but I didn't know. I wasn't aware."

Mimi La Rue is a kick-butt, old school stripper name like a pro from the Moulin Rouge. I dig this name. Actually, I love it. And I would give her a point for it but I can't because of how I want my ending spiel to go. If I could I would though.


This dog amassed a fortune using her wits alone to come up with her very own pet clothing and jewelry collection which also included her own doggy fragrance NoTorIous, a pink hued perfume with undertones of peach blossom scent. Spelling tells Giant magazine, "My dog Mimi La Rue works with a designer called Little Lily."


Mimi made it big. She lived the good life in Hollywood. Like Homer Simpson's Spiderpig, Mimi too has many looks. I never saw a photo where Mimi wasn't sporting designer duds. A sexy and slimming black sweater or a summery flower dress when weather permitted.


She also co-starred on Tori Spelling's semi-reality series So Notorious. This is serious career stuff right here.

I was starting to get straight up jealous of the pug and I could smell a winner on our hands but that all went out the window for me when I saw the following photos. What Tori did to this dog should be a crime.

Nude or clothed I can go either way depending on my mood. But please, Traci never do this to me. Never.

My other beef with the "Mimi the winner" scenario is how is it that a dog can be so widely marketed for pet clothing and yet no one knows who she is? Sadly, Mimi died a couple months ago. Tori left us with the following quote, "I'm convinced she waited around to make sure I had the daughter I always dreamt about before she left us . . . She was a loving pet and a true diva to the end."

Tinkerbell Hilton
Owner: Paris Hilton
Breed: Chihuahua


Background story: I'm not exactly sure when Tinkerbell came onto the celebrity hussy carry-all scene but there is so much more to this petite pooch than meets the eye.

Apparently, Tinkerbell was a groundbreaker in the use of small dogs as fashion accessories. Paris Hilton often totes Tinkerbell on her nightly rounds, peeking out from the handbag du jour. It's sort of scary that the celebrities of today need props like dogs or Harajuki girls (if you're Gwen Stefani) to even go outside of their mansions, but they do. So some poor animal or Asian girl has to get dragged along for the ride.

Meet "The Plastics" of the dog world: Tinkerbell, Honey Child and Foxy Cleopatra. If I ran into them I would probably pee myself silly. Unfortunately like all good rock bands they broke up when owners Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were in one of their hundreds of feuds.


Tinkerbell made global headlines when she reportedly went missing in summer 2004. Paris posted handmade signs offering a $5,000 reward for the safe return of her dog, who was found soon thereafter at home. It was perhaps this absent-minded display of dog ownership that earned Hilton worst dog owner status in a 2005 poll of best and worst celebrity dog owners conducted by The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog magazines. I don't know whether to give the dog points for trying to escape the Tom Cruise-like, psychotic grasp of Paris Hilton or deduct points for being stupid enough to get lost at home. We'll go with the latter.

As far as her career goes, she has a cameo in Raising Helen with her celebutante mistress Paris. But we can safely say Tinkerbell's career peaked with her tell all book about "tailing Paris Hilton."

I have to admit that I am so over Chihuahuas. Ever since the Taco Bell Chihuahua, you can stick a fork in me. I'm done and done.

This is unreal. I had a nightmare once and this was it. Deja Vu!

No points to any of them, all points to me.

So I hope you enjoyed my completely objective, unbiased, hyperbole-free celebrity pet deathmatch. Just to make sure I am right about this assessment I have created a user-friendly poll so all my bloggin friends can vote.