eHarmony Is For The Dogs!

Let me just give it to you straight. I'm 4 years old, unwed and knocked up by a deceased pug I've never met who is 100 years older then me. After my break-up with Artie, my late night lover, my dating situation got desperate. I want my puppies to be legitimate so I took the leap into the dating scene and that's why I submitted an application to eHarmony. Let me tell you, just because the happy couples on the eHarmony advertisements tell us online dating is normal it doesn't make it so. It doesn't matter how many times they try to make us believe it's fine; you still have to be pretty desperate to try it. I'm just being honest here. If you don't like it then blame it on my owners. They raised me as an opinionated conservative with heavy handed views. If you feel the need to write a nasty defamation of character crap letter keep in mind that my mom is an attorney. So bring it!

I just got my matches today and wanted to get your opinions:


Name: Jean Baptiste Valjean François Cousteau, III (but everyone calls him "Phat Louie")
Profession: Scuba Diver/Marine Biologist/Underwater Filmmaker
Description: He lives in the South of France and is a distant relative of the famous Cousteaus. He does a weekly exploration show on the Discovery Channel. He is the executive administrator on the charity board "Save the Pristine Wastelands of Anwar."
Problems: Long distance relationships... when have those ever worked? A liberal tree hugger doesn't jive with my conservative views. He's a work horse and he's always off to an exotic locale so I'm afraid he won't be there for me or the puppies, leading to eventual cheating and/or divorce. I can see our episode on "Cheaters" now.


Name: Stuntman Bob
Profession: Unemployed since the late 1980's
Description: He lives in his mother's basement. He used to be Chuck Norris' body double but he was let go because he wasn't furry enough.
Problems: If they pumped him with helium he could be a parade float.


Name: Bruiser Woods
Profession: Unemployed heir to a fortune; like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, Bruiser is famous for doing absolutely nothing except looking good (I question the looking good part).
Description: He is a Gemini vegetarian. (This is where I roll my eyes). His mother is an ex-sorority girl turned attorney. His father is Luke Wilson. Bruiser's Bill that passed in Washington about 4 years ago was named after him. He's a snappy dresser and often wears custom designed designer clothing.
Problems: He looks like a catch but apparently he's gay. (Hey, what is he even doing in here?!)


Name: Long Duk Dong
Profession: Subterfuge and Covert Operations Specialist
Description: He is the dictator of a small country off the coast of Indonesia (exact location undisclosed). Currently seeking soulmate with similar aspirations for world domination. His best friends are Dr. Evil, Fidel Castro, the Russian mafia and Kim Jong Il. He is seen as one of the more compassionate communist dictators as he does give his people a whole roll of toilet paper per family.
Problems: Are you kidding?


Name: Hairless Dog from Hell
Profession: Blogger
Description: Gets the most hits on eHarmony.
Problems: Do I really need to comment?


Name: Bow Wow Cool
Profession: Has-Been Celebrity
Description: Born into wealth and power, BW relinquished his title to run away with a band of gypsies. He eventually ended up in Liverpool and joined a group of beetnik musicians. A major record label heard his one hit wonder song entitled,"Nudists in My Vineyard". He has been a has-been celebrity ever since. However, he was recently contacted to join the cast of "Survivor -- Has-Been Celebrity Edition". His picture is the cover of his one hit wonder record.
Problems: I could never get "Nudists in My Vineyard" out of my head.


Name: Scooby Doo
Profession: In the Field of Paranormal Exploration
Description: He lives with a hippie that from the looks of things smokes a lot of pot and eats too much. He lives in a whacked out VW bus. His line of work is ghost hunting and paranormal research. As far as I can tell, they don't pay him for this so I would have to sell home-made candles out of the VW bus for a living.
Problems: We could never have any intense discussions because I can't understand a word he says. Let's be honest, I would be with him for his good looks. Monsters and haunted houses are not a conducive environment for the puppies.


Name: Aunt Sassy
Profession: Bit Part Actor
Description: Had a small part on "The Exorcist".
Problems: He would be good to have around for our Halloween parties but I'm afraid he would scare the crap out of everyone all the other days of the year.


Name: Christoph
Profession: Male Stripper
Description: He can afford to buy me nice things but he is a stripper in Reno. He is currently employed at an "Under the Sea" themed casino/buffet as the dinner show entertainment billed as Lulu the Sea Nymph.
Problems: He is a stripper in Reno. He is currently employed at an "Under the Sea" themed casino/buffet as the dinner show entertainment billed as Lulu the Sea Nymph.


Name: Brad Pitt
Profession: Actor
Description: He can afford to buy me nice things and he doesn't mind adopting other peoples children.
Problems: There is a 99.9% chance he would leave me for another woman in about 5 Hollywood years which to actors is like 50 years in real life.

Bottom line, the picks are dismal so I've pretty much given up on finding Mr.Right. Well, at least finding Mr. Right through online dating services.