I Want To Be On Pet Star

If you happen to be at home on a weekday and you have absolutely nothing to do around 3 PM then plan to veg on the couch because you don't want to miss Pet Star on the animal planet channel. I had never even heard about this "show" until it came on yesterday. I couldn't take my puggy eyes off of this thing.

On the surface of things I would have to say it's a show about people who made it big in show business and then supremely fell from grace by landing jobs on this depravity of a show. And they throw in a good share of pet owners, pets and pet tricks to round it out.

I think most of you know my opinion of the godfather of heinous mullets Mario Lopez, but just in case you don't I'll go into that now. Who comes to mind when you think of an awesomely bad mullet that lasted 3 or 4 decades? Who comes to mind when you think of Slater, Saved by the Bell, macho chauvinistic pig, the fake "The View," and a plethora of equally horrible daytime television shows? Who comes to mind when you think of a 2-week annulled marriage to Ali So-and-So, a night with strippers before his wedding day and a thinks-he's-a-pretty-boy but he's really a terd? Who comes to mind when you think of the worst possible host for a pet related program? If you chose Mario Lopez, you would be right!

There's the biggest problem of the show right there. But now let's talk about the celebrity guest judges. Apparently it's a constant string of the who's who z-list celebrities.

John O'Hurley. Remember this guy from Seinfeld? What IS he DOING on this show? Are job offers THAT BAD? How do you go from J. Peterman to a pet judge? This is sad. Then there was a girl named Vanessa. Don't know. Don't care. Too perky. I say kick her off the panel! She has no sense of pet judging skills whatsoever. She just sat there and pulled a bunch of crap off the top of her head rendering the episode a waste of my daytime minutes. The judging panel was rounded off by a comedian named Dom Irrera. Not that funny. But I'll take him over that Vanessa girl any day of the week. So there are the sad cast of characters. But wait! Now here come the delusional pet owners and pets.

On the episode I watched we had a Singapore sling pot bellied pig in a skirt that would walk through hoops. The pig's stomach touched the ground! The pig lives in the house with 17 brothers and sisters! I said, in the house?!! You should now be able to clearly picture the pet owner from that. She tried to explain that pigs are clean, but who is she kidding?! I know they roll around in their own crap and so does the rest of the world.

Then there was a guy that had 9 mutt dogs that could run in a figure 8 through his legs, jumped all at once over a jump rope and did the conga line. That man looked like he had fritterred most of his life away on coke or speed. He was SO perky that his eyes stuck out of his head.

Then we had a gay, regurgitated worker from Sea World who showed off his cockatoo. Wow! A bird that can fly through hoops. I'm amazed! I was more amazed watching the Sea World guy flirt with Mario Lopez on stage during the show.

This was followed by a screenwriter who owned a weenie dog that could flip a rubber band using his snout and paws. The dog taught this trick to himself. That's right he was self smarted... self learned himself. I was afraid if he taught himself another trick he would be dead. From a heart attack.

But I think the most delusional of them all was an x-cheerleader choreographer for the Miami Dolphins or something. She came out in pig tails and a weird slut costume that matched her tiny dancer dog. And keep in mind this woman looks like she's in her late 50's. Both of them looked like old saloon hoochie mamas in the worst possible sense. They sucked. For going on and on about how professional she used to be and still is, I was surprised that this dog act tanked big time! I could go on about the woman who brought a Bengal leopard cat or something like that, pet and pet owner LOOKED EXACTLY ALIKE! I seriously couldn't tell them apart.

Here is my questionnaire of things to keep in mind before watching the following pet acts:

1) How many pet owners are on crack?
2) How many pets are on crack?
3) How many judges are on crack?

Regardless of all of this debauchery I still think I want to be on this show. I mean, it could just be that I saw a bad episode. What would you recommend for my talent? Or maybe Lulu, Sandy, Rychelle's awesome posse of pooches and I can do a little someth'em, someth'em. Should I come up with an act for me and the puglets? To think, if I had only popped out 1 more puglet I could have had a basketball team!

On a side note, puppy rearing is coming along. I'll add more pictures of the puppies soon. And I amended a puppy name. Renegade is now Renegade Traci, the fastest legal mind pug this side of the Rockies. Well, I'm off to do some me time. Have a good one!