Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Mama's Little Babies Hate Fake Milk, Fake Milk

A happy Wednesday to you! Today we tried the puppies on fake milk. It didn't go over very well. I'm not looking forward to this process. Only one of them likes it and that's Betty. Here is Betty:

The rest of them are momma's boys and a girl. They can't stand it! Here's the rest of them:

So my genius geek dad Jake just jailbroke his iphone and will be posting live feeds of the puppies on his blog shortly. His blog is:

The People are still planning a puppy shower. They decided to wait until the puppies were born. They thought it would be more interesting that way. I'll post more details soon and of course more pictures.

P.S. Traci, I miss you. I hope work is good today. Thanks for your birthday bone from Snake Creek Grill. Loved it! But you knew I would. I was so excited about the bone that I jumped into the puppy box to eat it. Needless to say, this caused a ruckus. Lovies to you, Traci. Lovies to you.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Riley the Puggety Pug Likes To Taggety Tag Tag

My Aunt Maren just did a blog about tags. She doesn't like tags. I don't mind them. Since I too am working on other blog ideas that are taking entirely too much time I voted to go the easy way out and copy Aunt Maren (who actually got the idea from Amanda). See... these tag blogs aren't so bad and so informative.

8 Things That I Am Passionate About:
1. Traci
2. Maren
3. Food
4. My puppies
5. My pet family
6. Jake's geek smarts
7. Not wearing pants
8. Car rides

8 Words Or Phrases I Use Often:
1. Heavy breathing
2. Heavy snorting
3. Heavy hacking
4. Two feet tall and worth the climb
5. I'm snarky!
6. Jake that's mine. Get your own!
7. I love you, Traci.
8. You don't say...

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Give birth to 4 illegitimate puppies via C-Section
2. Become an internet star on YouTube so I gain Jake's respect
3. Bring in the bacon with my line of pregnancy clothes for pets
4. Co-own a bakery shop for pets with Traci
5. Become a summit dog
6. Sleep on 1000 thread Egyptian Cotton sheets
7. Eat my weight in rib bones
8. Dress up like a bumblebee for Halloween

8 Things I Have Learned From My Past:
1. Never trust rats named Ronaldo
2. Traci is the best human ever made
3. Jake is the best geek ever made
4. People always remember the kid that peed their pants in puppy pre-school
5. Never bark in the backyard when it's dark... you may end up in a window well
6. Smart sisters come in handy especially when there are holes in the neighbor's fence
7. The little rat things you give birth to aren't chew toys
8. All dogs go to heaven

8 Places I Would Love To Go Or See:
1. Pet Heaven
2. Mt. Plesantville
3. China
4. A filming of SNL to see "Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals" sketch
5. Easter Island to pee on the big head statues
6. A Neil Diamond concert
7. The City of Monkeys in Thailand
8. London BABY! (with Maren, Amanda & Lulu)

8 Things I Currently Need Or Want:
1. Personalized dog bed
2. Portable indoor dog potty
3. Canine Cooler therapeutic pad
4. Summit dog equipment
5. My weight in rib bones
6. Personalized collar tag and wallet ID set
7. A funny man with muscles
8. An entourage

People I Tag:
1. Traci G
2. Aunt Maren
3. Jake
4. Amanda & Lulu

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Verdict Is In & We Are All Fat!

Sorry about my lack of blog posts. My puppies have been sucking my every last resource away and I just couldn't think of a good post for my bloggin' posse of fame. This one isn't that great but I did get another pet magazine full of new and fun things to share with you. Scratch that... today's mail just came in. I got 2 magazines! I'll post about that soon.

I went to an appointment at the vets yesterday. I was relieved it wasn't for me but for the puppies. In fact, for the most part they didn't pay that much attention to me. Although I did get scared a few times and tried to make a run for the door... I could sense the nurse was giving me the stink eye.

We are all healthy. But we are all fat! Too fat for our small size. And when I say "we" are all fat, I mean "the puppies". Cause I'm not too fat at all. I'm just the right size of sexy.

Fat Tally
Foo = 1 lb. 11 ounces of loving fatness
Bad Andy = 1 lb. 8 ounces of adorable rolliage
Panda = 1 lb. 8 ounces of caressable curvage
Connie = 1 lb. 6 ounces of slim yet huggable suppleness
Riley = the right size of sexy

All eyes are open now. Instead of slithering around the room, the puppies are semi-crawling. They have their teeth nubs which mean sharp little teeth are coming within the next week and I stop feeding them. Period. It's not even a question.

I will post more updated photos of the puppies this weekend.

P.S. We have more name changes:

Foo = Rambo/Roger
Bad Andy = Amos Moses
Connie = Betty
Panda = Iko Taudry

Saturday, October 11, 2008

My Milkshake Brings All The Pups To The Yard

I promised my Aunt Maren I would update the blog with photos of the puppies. They are growing quickly. Jake loves them. He may pretend like he doesn't but deep down I know his heart and it says "I love pets". I've never had this issue with Traci... she and I are like this *crossing paws*.

Jake makes fun of my huge "milk jugs". He is worried that I may be saggy forever. I told him if it turns into a problem I could wear one of his many girdles.

Here are the wee ones:

We had some name changes (this happens)... the littlest girl is Panda, one of the boys is Foo, the darker girl is Connie and the fat one is Bad Andy (there is some conflict as to the true origin of this name... many of us know the true meaning... the Domino's thing just isn't fooling anyone, Traci).

I'll post more pics soon. They are just at that age when the only time they stand still is when they are sleeping or eatting.

Here is a rundown of the 2 most important checks, the eye check and the fat check. I can't stress the importance of these checks. If you have loved ones then you should be doing eye checks and fat checks too. I can't think of anything that shows them you love them more.

Eye Check:
Panda - right eye full on open
Foo - both eyes slightly open
Connie - one eye slightly open
Bad Andy - one eye slightly open

Fat Check:
Panda - she's the tiniest (she's 13 ounces with a weight gain of 5.5 ounces)
Foo - he weighed in at 1 pound (that's a 8 ounce weight gain in a week)
Connie - a little bit heavier (she's 14 ounces with a weight gain of 4.5 ounces)
Bad Andy - huge pounder. he's my little fat one (that's a 6 ounce weight gain in a week)

Here's a quick shout out to my awesome cousin Sandy! I'm glad to see her in the blogging world. She is so experienced when it comes to shopping, love and Gerard Butler. She also has the cutest bee Halloween costume I've ever seen.

Check out more about my seductive minx of a cousin here.

Friday, October 3, 2008

I Want To Be On Pet Star

If you happen to be at home on a weekday and you have absolutely nothing to do around 3 PM then plan to veg on the couch because you don't want to miss Pet Star on the animal planet channel. I had never even heard about this "show" until it came on yesterday. I couldn't take my puggy eyes off of this thing.

On the surface of things I would have to say it's a show about people who made it big in show business and then supremely fell from grace by landing jobs on this depravity of a show. And they throw in a good share of pet owners, pets and pet tricks to round it out.

I think most of you know my opinion of the godfather of heinous mullets Mario Lopez, but just in case you don't I'll go into that now. Who comes to mind when you think of an awesomely bad mullet that lasted 3 or 4 decades? Who comes to mind when you think of Slater, Saved by the Bell, macho chauvinistic pig, the fake "The View," and a plethora of equally horrible daytime television shows? Who comes to mind when you think of a 2-week annulled marriage to Ali So-and-So, a night with strippers before his wedding day and a thinks-he's-a-pretty-boy but he's really a terd? Who comes to mind when you think of the worst possible host for a pet related program? If you chose Mario Lopez, you would be right!

There's the biggest problem of the show right there. But now let's talk about the celebrity guest judges. Apparently it's a constant string of the who's who z-list celebrities.

John O'Hurley. Remember this guy from Seinfeld? What IS he DOING on this show? Are job offers THAT BAD? How do you go from J. Peterman to a pet judge? This is sad. Then there was a girl named Vanessa. Don't know. Don't care. Too perky. I say kick her off the panel! She has no sense of pet judging skills whatsoever. She just sat there and pulled a bunch of crap off the top of her head rendering the episode a waste of my daytime minutes. The judging panel was rounded off by a comedian named Dom Irrera. Not that funny. But I'll take him over that Vanessa girl any day of the week. So there are the sad cast of characters. But wait! Now here come the delusional pet owners and pets.

On the episode I watched we had a Singapore sling pot bellied pig in a skirt that would walk through hoops. The pig's stomach touched the ground! The pig lives in the house with 17 brothers and sisters! I said, in the house?!! You should now be able to clearly picture the pet owner from that. She tried to explain that pigs are clean, but who is she kidding?! I know they roll around in their own crap and so does the rest of the world.

Then there was a guy that had 9 mutt dogs that could run in a figure 8 through his legs, jumped all at once over a jump rope and did the conga line. That man looked like he had fritterred most of his life away on coke or speed. He was SO perky that his eyes stuck out of his head.

Then we had a gay, regurgitated worker from Sea World who showed off his cockatoo. Wow! A bird that can fly through hoops. I'm amazed! I was more amazed watching the Sea World guy flirt with Mario Lopez on stage during the show.

This was followed by a screenwriter who owned a weenie dog that could flip a rubber band using his snout and paws. The dog taught this trick to himself. That's right he was self smarted... self learned himself. I was afraid if he taught himself another trick he would be dead. From a heart attack.

But I think the most delusional of them all was an x-cheerleader choreographer for the Miami Dolphins or something. She came out in pig tails and a weird slut costume that matched her tiny dancer dog. And keep in mind this woman looks like she's in her late 50's. Both of them looked like old saloon hoochie mamas in the worst possible sense. They sucked. For going on and on about how professional she used to be and still is, I was surprised that this dog act tanked big time! I could go on about the woman who brought a Bengal leopard cat or something like that, pet and pet owner LOOKED EXACTLY ALIKE! I seriously couldn't tell them apart.

Here is my questionnaire of things to keep in mind before watching the following pet acts:

1) How many pet owners are on crack?
2) How many pets are on crack?
3) How many judges are on crack?

Regardless of all of this debauchery I still think I want to be on this show. I mean, it could just be that I saw a bad episode. What would you recommend for my talent? Or maybe Lulu, Sandy, Rychelle's awesome posse of pooches and I can do a little someth'em, someth'em. Should I come up with an act for me and the puglets? To think, if I had only popped out 1 more puglet I could have had a basketball team!

On a side note, puppy rearing is coming along. I'll add more pictures of the puppies soon. And I amended a puppy name. Renegade is now Renegade Traci, the fastest legal mind pug this side of the Rockies. Well, I'm off to do some me time. Have a good one!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Help Riley Win Cupcakes

Whoever said "The best things in life are free" was SO right! Help me win FREE cupcakes. That's the bottom line. This is a little shout out to Kristina P. who is right this minute celebrating her 20,000 hit blog b-day by giving me cupcakes via a giveaway (crossing my paws).

I was messing around YouTube and found this 300 parody video. I thought you would like it Kristina... especially the first part about the Olive Garden.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Check Out My Little Posse of Poopers

Guess what? I'm a mommy! I gave birth to 4 little squeaky chew toys this morning at 11:00 AM. I'm doing good. The most inconvenient part of my day was when they dragged me away from my breakfast kibble to go do the surgery. I was mad as hell! See... I just cursed. That's how mad I was! It's true, I'm snarky! Squeaker taught me some curse words in French that I barked at my doctor but he just laughed about it which made me even more upset. I was about to roundhouse kick him in the face ala Chuck Norris but the drugs kicked in and I was out. The next thing I know it was, "Say Hello to my little friends." Yes, my four little inconvenient truths!

I'm skinny again, thank heavens. I thought if this went on for another day I would implode. Now I'm just saggy. I don't have a comment about that.

I have four puppies, all healthy and all fawn. I've bequeathed their fake names too. The 2 boys are Jacobite Leonard Wenvo and Renegade. The 2 girls are Suki Taudry and Hurricane Foo. That Renegade is a climber. He's been turbo crawling around the puppy box all day.

Like my lack of skills in barking and ear licking, I think I still have a bit to learn about mothering. I've already found out that smashing them under my bottom does not always solve the problem (as much as I wish it did). For instance, I decided I didn't much care to feed the puppies today so I had my staff do it. They work cheap actually free. You just can't beat that! I bet you don't have staff!