Help Riley Win Cupcakes

Whoever said "The best things in life are free" was SO right! Help me win FREE cupcakes. That's the bottom line. This is a little shout out to Kristina P. who is right this minute celebrating her 20,000 hit blog b-day by giving me cupcakes via a giveaway (crossing my paws).

I was messing around YouTube and found this 300 parody video. I thought you would like it Kristina... especially the first part about the Olive Garden.

Check Out My Little Posse of Poopers

Guess what? I'm a mommy! I gave birth to 4 little squeaky chew toys this morning at 11:00 AM. I'm doing good. The most inconvenient part of my day was when they dragged me away from my breakfast kibble to go do the surgery. I was mad as hell! See... I just cursed. That's how mad I was! It's true, I'm snarky! Squeaker taught me some curse words in French that I barked at my doctor but he just laughed about it which made me even more upset. I was about to roundhouse kick him in the face ala Chuck Norris but the drugs kicked in and I was out. The next thing I know it was, "Say Hello to my little friends." Yes, my four little inconvenient truths!

I'm skinny again, thank heavens. I thought if this went on for another day I would implode. Now I'm just saggy. I don't have a comment about that.


I have four puppies, all healthy and all fawn. I've bequeathed their fake names too. The 2 boys are Jacobite Leonard Wenvo and Renegade. The 2 girls are Suki Taudry and Hurricane Foo. That Renegade is a climber. He's been turbo crawling around the puppy box all day.

Like my lack of skills in barking and ear licking, I think I still have a bit to learn about mothering. I've already found out that smashing them under my bottom does not always solve the problem (as much as I wish it did). For instance, I decided I didn't much care to feed the puppies today so I had my staff do it. They work cheap actually free. You just can't beat that! I bet you don't have staff!

Uff Da! Riley's Guide to All Things From The Land Of Norwegia

I did the bio of Timmermans a couple of days ago, so today it's the Gundersens.

Gunder-goats. Gunder-cusses. Son of a Gunder. It's true we may have been called a lot of things but we are true blue Gundersens from the land of Norway. And we don't take anyone's crap!

Gundersens come from the magical land of fjords, trolls, Drekkar ships, Jarlsberg cheese, bread + butter + sugar snack, lutefisk, gnomes (I'm pretty sure the first gnomes were stick people fashioned by the Norwegians to place outside of their huts), Vikings, AND VIKINGS! Recently there was an actual census taken about Vikings. And Vikings beat out ninjas, zombies and robots for the most cool and beloved people of all time. Gundersens are extra strength, extra lasting, extra fresh Viking stock. We show no mercy. We pillage and plunder and then pillage some more. Especially if lentils are involved. Nothing inspires a Gundersen quite like food! Here I am modelling the traditional Norwegian attire. (Notice I only have a hat on and the rest of me is nude. That actually IS traditional Norwegian attire. That's how we roll. I get my hankering for nakedness from this side of the family.)

Norwegians inspire. We inspire Japanese game shows and Led Zeppelin. Take this video clip for instance... it was inspired... by Norwegians! (I did take some liberties to tweak this into a TRUE Gundersen masterpiece... I call it "Dear Gundersen")


The Scottish give us kilts and the Norwegians give us these:

And while Mr. Butler is still working on our Scottish ancestor movie, Kirk Douglas already made a film about our Viking ancestors called The Vikings.

There is really only ONE. BIG. REASON. WHY. BEING. A. GUNDERSEN. ROCKS. And this is it. If my bloggin' posse of fame lived in Norway this is what we would all look like!

Here are some of my favorite Gundersens:
Jake - my human dad - we tolerate each other. when necessary. we also have long discussions on the back porch and share an affinity for technology.

Connie - my grandma - we like to go shopping for pet clothes and people clothes. And we like to make fruit salad and BBQ ribs.

Wenvo Loafer - my grandpops - we like to bake bread and eat it.

Justin - my uncle - we like big, big trucks and dressing up like the devil in the pale moonlight. We also love jazz and bluegrass and watching the weather channel and Johnny Depp movies.


Here is my Norwegian Joke:
This is an ORIGINAL JOKE by BRIAN BOWER

VIKINGS HOME JOURNAL
(Today's Journal for the Modern Viking)
* Three fast and tasty village dog recipes for the working viking who doesn't have all day to cook.
* War wound stitchery- Don't throw away those severed body parts. Needle point tips that can make that foot or arm good as new.
* Surprising reader's poll: 9 out of 10 viking women are not satisfied in bed. Find out what they really want.
* Burning pitch techniques that can really let you rain hell on your neighbors!
* Surrounded by intellectuals-How one viking escaped. By David-the-Saxon.
* Viking mid-life crisis-Is raping murdering and pillaging all there is ?
* Is your son a Pansy?-A candid article by Erick-the-Red which every father should read.
* Don't let your Viking tupperware party end in a blood bath- Do's and Don'ts for a successful evening.
* Detroit unveils the New 89 line of warships-Faster, sleeker, fewer slaves in the galley!

AT YOUR VILLAGE NEWSTANDS NOW !

So, if I'm a little obsessive or crazy... I'm a Gundersen and that should explain everything. Long Live the Gundersens! Valhalla!

Ya'll Have Dem Beanie Puggies? You Have Dem. You Carry Dem.

Here's my quick little update (I have another post coming later tonight). I'm at the vets as we speak typing this out on my blackberry. (Jake insists that any pets that live in his household need to be technology savvy hence my blackberry.)

So, here's the story. I went to the vets on Monday to get my x-ray thing done. I was really in a bad mood (besides the fact that I hate the vets) and I just couldn't take another appointment. I was a little very upset about the whole x-ray process and it's entirely possible that I may have bit nipped at the tech nurses. Due to my mood and quote "Riley is full of poop" as the nurses put it (which is funny because that's what I thought about them), they didn't get a good look at the puppies. They were able to see 3 really well but there is a 4th puppy that may have a problem. If that is the case, they wanted me back at the vets to have a c-section delivery.

I got up this morning and The People took me to the vets to have another x-ray. They still couldn't tell if the 4th puppy has problems so they decided I need to stay at the vets over the weekend and they will perform the delivery. I'm kind of upset about this. I'm not looking forward to a weekend at the vets. Fortunately I do have my blackberry with me so I can keep in touch with my bloggin posse. They stuck me in a nesting room which is nice digs. I am pretty sure there are other dogs here. I try to text them but they are completely technology retarded so I have to do this the old fashioned way of barking. Maybe I can pick up some juicy stories for the blog. (Amander does like the incest stories!) I will definitely keep you posted.

If It's Not Scottish, It's Cr-r-rap!

I got excited talking about my pug family so I decided to talk about my human parents. I will dedicate a post to each of them because they are family too.

As far as I'm concerned Scotland is the greatest country ever. They brought us shortbread cookies, men wearing kilts, bagpipes, Robert the Bruce, Mary Queen of Scots, men wearing kilts, the Loch Ness monster, William Wallace, Haggis, the Highlands, men wearing kilts, the Stone of Scone, The Wicked Tinkers, Bonnie Prince Charlie, purple heather (the national flower), the Firth of Forth, Robert Burns, men wearing kilts, the Peel P50 and Sean Connery... I mean what's not to like!

Here I am modeling the Timmerman tartan (Ok, so this may not be the Timmerman tartan but it's a kilt with a matching hat):

My human mom Traci is a Timmerman. Timmermans are strong stock and you don't want to mess with us. In olden times, Timmermans could squash you with a huge caber if they didn't like the way you conducted yourself. Today, we just serve legal papers and sue you for all you're worth.

There are so many reasons to be proud of being a Timmerman.

Reason #1, we are related to Robert Burns the famous Scottish poet (actor Gerard Butler really wants to play our ancestor in a Robert Burns movie... and incidently he also owns a pug!). I'm listening to Robert Burns now (I should add this to my books of the month) but yeah, don't understand a thing he says but I'm sure it's great!

The fake Robert Burns

The real Robert Burns

Reason #2, only the coolest people are Timmermans. Case in point, I'm a Timmerman... Traci's a Timmerman... Maren's a Timmerman. Need I say more?

Reason #3, we're Scottish! Everyone wants to be Scottish. Because if it's not Scottish, it's crap!

Here are some of my favorite Timmermans:
Traci - my mom - we like to cook, clean and nap together. "T" is for Traci and Timmerman.

Maren - my aunt - we like to dress me in pet clothes and play together. Aunt Maren is 98% Scottish.
Michael - my uncle - we like to fly planes together.


Sandy - my cousin - we like to eat and run around together. Here's a Scottish joke:
Three Scotswomen (they are neighbors) were walking home at night. Along the way they find a Scotsman passed out under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon and they can't see who he is; however, they would like to help him get home. The first woman looks under his kilt and says, "It's not my husband". The second woman looks under his kilt and says, "It's not my husband". The third woman looks under his kilt and says, "Why he's not even from our village!"

All In The Family

I thought I would talk a little bit about my pug family because I'm pretty sure you're dying to know this stuff. Here is a video that sort of explains it all.


Okay, so it totally doesn't explain anything! My pug family story is more like the behind-the-scenes Brady Bunch story. The sordid kind.

Here is a list of the playas:

Bogart
Bred for his skills in magic. Bogart is pretty much the best pug dog there ever was (besides me). He is my step-dad grandpa and the father of my puppies. In his youth, Bogart enjoyed running through the sprinklers, eatting snow and going on rides. One of his special powers was drive-thru food perceptive cognative mind waves. Yeah, he pretty much could have done magic tricks and/or hypnotism.

Bacall
She could be considered a miniature version of a pug. Bacall likes to spin around like a whirling dervish. She has one snaggle tooth she uses to intimidate her enemies. She likes chicken nuggets and soft food. She likes to bark a lot. In her younger years Bacall was the boss. She would grab Bogart's leash and pull him around the room. Bacall is like 500 years old but she's still around. She sleeps most of the time. She's like the cryptkeeper of the pug world.

Princess Caraboo (Boo)
Boo is my mom. She is an ex-showgirl that retired several years ago. She placed 3rd in the shows most of the time. The only time she won a first prize ribbon was when she was the only pug in her category. That never seemed to bother her. She's still a showgirl at heart. She has her way with the men folk. She's never married but she's raised 11 indiscretions. For a short period Boo went through a pirate fetish stage. Boo likes to lick just about everything... plastic gates, dog ears, elbows, legs, whatever she can. Even though she's blind, she is master at intense stare downs. This picture was taken before Boo went blind... look at those crazy eyes! She is now into new age healing and religion. She loves crispy chicken, squeaky cheese and handicrafts.

Duncan
My brother Duncan is currently single. He's a catch. He's pretty much in heat every day of the year. That's right... he's a little horny. Duncan loves his outdoor crib (which is basically a wire corral). The brothers had to be separated after the big fallout over nothing. When the boys are together Duncan goes in his crib. Water tastes better to him outside. He wants to be a summit dog and he probably could be. He has lion paws and a double curl twisty tail (rare in the pug world). He loves to eat. He has the emotional capacity of a small child. He is the biggest pug ever but thinks he is miniature pug size. He can do the major chin thing. Bogart can do the chin thing but Duncan does a major chin thing when he's not happy. He's athletic and husky, muscular and pretty. The perfect stud dog qualities.

Loki
He's not bred for his skills in magic even though (if you can believe this) a stud dog farm wanted him when he was a puppy. Loki, the stud dog. That's funny. Some people wonder about the name Loki. Loki was named for the Norse god of mischief... that tells you a little about Loki the pug. Loki loves to eat. Sometimes he sneaks regular food from the other dog's dishes. He's stealthy and sly in a lumbering obvious kind of way. When he was younger he would pull all the toilet paper off the roll and run around the house with it in his mouth. He barks like a girl. He runs like a wambat and smashes his enemies under his supple weightiness. His major defensive mechanism (something he likes to work on a lot) is his play dead skills where he basically just falls on the floor. He uses his weight to his advantage. When he doesn't want to do something he falls on the floor and won't get up. He makes you pick him up but he makes sure his body is at it's most supple, fat and slippery stage. Loki is a minx.

Black Bart
Black Bart has a woman in every port. He is a stud dog that lives on a farm in Wyoming. He's a champion pug dog. All first ribbons... no 3rd place ribbons for him. He is considered good looking. I don't know how many puppies he's had... probably 150. In many ways he lives a polygamist's life, the only difference being that he doesn't have to raise, feed or care for any of his children.

Squeaker
My sister Squeaker runs the family I'm living with now. She is the head of a secret pug society working towards world domination... just like the Masons. She specializes in army warfare and covert operations. She is fluent in French and has a pug deity complex. We all think she is the reincarnation of Napoleon Bonaparte. There are a few reasons for this: 1) Napoleon's wife Josephine had a pug that she loved dearly. Napoleon hated this pug and the pug hated Napoleon. It was a constant power struggle between man and pug. We think it's entirely possible that Napoleon got his just desserts when he was reincarnated as a pug... a girl pug! 2) This would explain Squeaker's French accent. 3) This would also explain Squeaker's need for control and world domination plots. In so many ways she's just like Stewie on the Family Guy. We also call her Mensa Pug.

The Blackies
The Blackies are my brother and 2 sisters. My brother's name is Farnsworth and my sister's names are Senora and Kiki. Although I think Kiki became Beyonce when she went to live with my dad. I love the Blackies. I wish I could see them again. We used to run around the house as puppies. I was the most outgoing and fun to be around of course but they had their high points. For years I thought I was a blackie too.

Riley
I'm bred for my good looks. I love to follow Traci around our house. I love it when she cooks. I love it when she cooks and I get the leftovers. I have sweaty paws. That is unique to me. I don't know how to bark but Squeaker is teaching me well. I like to have my ears licked. I like to poop in the neighbor's yard... they are none the wiser. I like to humor Squeaker when she starts talking about world domination plots. I like to humor Jake when he starts talking about politics and economics. I'm pretty sure I'm a Mensa Pug too. I scored 160 on a puppy IQ test.

Powdermilk Biscuit Break
This first portion of my blog is brought to you by Powdermilk Biscuits in the big blue box with a picture of the biscuit on the cover. Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! (That's right, I'm pimping myself for adverts now. Just think, your ad could be here!)

Okay, where to begin this tale of intrigue, seduction, gambling debts and mayhem. Bogart was married to Bacall. It was Bogart and Bacall all the way until it was discovered that Bacall couldn't have children. So, Bogart decided to step out with a second wife or concubine (whatever you want to call it... so Old Testament, right?). The second wife was my mother Boo. She had her first litter of five in 2002. My half brothers Loki and Duncan came out of this batch. For some reason Bogart wasn't impressed with them and disowned them immediately.

Now, let it be known that my mom Showgirl Boo had a wild streak in her... carefree and loose is another way to put it. Let it also be known that Bogart was 50 human years Boo's senior. Well, as you can tell that didn't sit well with Boo and there had always been contention between her and the first wife Bacall. This left the relationship strained. Boo was heading up in the world. Boo had her first prize blue ribbon and her looks to recommend her and she wanted to have a little fun. That's hard to do with a grandpa for a husband.

Enter Black Bart (he does sound like a pirate but he isn't). Black Bart is a dog champion. He was handsome in all his rough exterior, masculine-ness but underneath he had a soft caramel center of passion. Just the Mr. Right Boo had been looking for. She used her feminine wiles to seduce Black Bart. Although it doesn't take much when it's the season for lovin'. I think Black Bart would pretty much go for any girl that looked his way. As were the days of Woodstock and hippies smokin' pot, the relationship was all about sex and shortlived. However, they did conceive 2 pug children: a little black boy and a little fawn girl. The little black boy didn't make it but the little fawn girl that was raised as a bratty, special needs only child became my full sister Squeaker. Even though Boo had 6 children at this point she felt lonely and wanted more. Some people eat to soothe emotions... my mom produces.

Boo decided to have a go with Black Bart again. Some habits die hard. This time mom had 4 little puppies: 3 blackies and me! I grew up in the ghetto of pugdom. My mom wanted Black Bart to settle down. He couldn't commit to this and the relationship disintegrated. I only met my dad one time. That was when he picked up one of my black sisters to live with him. The funny thing is by this time Bogart was really old... like 13 years old and senile and he thought the blackies and me were his puppies. It was the happiest he ever was. He was so proud of us. The sad thing is that Bogart died shortly after we were born.

Which brings me to the father of the puppies. Now get this... The People froze Bogart's stuff. My People wanted me to have a litter. So the father is Great-Great-Grandpa Bogart, a pug I barely knew. You couldn't write this stuff in a Lifetime movie. Okay, well maybe you could... in fact, they do it all the time! This is like Demolition Man meets Kate & Leopold without the romance.

So, I'm popping with Bogart's posthumous puppies. My x-ray appointment is today. I should find out how many puppies I'm having and if I can do this the natural way or c-section.

What the Fetch(dog)!!

Good Morning fellow bloggers! I hope you had a smashing weekend. I bet the title grabbed you. I do love cheap sensationalism. Let's start with the poll.... I just want to thank my lawyers (so Charlize Theron & Hilary Swank-esque of me), nannies, servants and everybody who made this win possible. I work in an amazing industry and to be noticed for my talents is just so amazing. I knew this day would come. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my little round belly. Of course, I wouldn't want to forget Traci and Aunt Maren and all of my bloggin posse of fame. You know who you are. Except Jake is questionable because I never really felt like he caught the vision that was me. But I'll just be polite and say he did for the sake of being polite. So, I guess I should end this before the timing guy dings me like Julia Roberts. I will however end with a few words to the 3 people that didn't want to hang out with me and opted for annoying booger pickin children instead. Obviously something is wrong with you. I will pray for your misguided souls.


I was pretty excited because my Early Autumn 2008 edition of fetchdog magazine arrived on Friday. I quickly scanned the new offerings and wanted to show you some of my favorites (Traci and Jake take note. My birthday, Fall Equinox Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Daylight Savings Time Ends Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner.)

The Luxury Nesting Trundle - nothing says "I love you" more than this suffocating monstrosity in Ocelot. Look at the mixed breed that was shoved in the Caramel version. Look at the terror on it's face.

Look. This one has my name on it. This could help makes things easier so Jake doesn't get confused.


Check this out... so cop show cool! This could be a FHE activity for us.
'Shut the door, pull down the shades and conduct your own CSI investigation…for pee. This black light will show you how much urine is actually seeped and dried into your carpet with one wave. How? The crystalline structure of dried urine causes it to fluoresce a dull yellow color under UV light. Don't worry if it looks like a violent pee scene—our Urine-Off Spray will come to the rescue. Requires 4 AA batteries, not included. Protective eye wear recommended.'


The Helping Harness could come in handy for Jake when he gets older.


The Handy Lift Harness could come in handy for me right now. I'm the equivalant of a beached whale when it comes to pugs.

No more "Death by Dog Breathe" when you have Greenies Triple Chew.

Wowza! An Anti-Bloat Bowl for dogs. What will they think of next? This could have multiple uses in our house like for me and for Jake. It's a veterinarian tested and recommended bowl that encourages slower eating, making your dog feel more full. Helps reduce instances of re-eating and the risk of GDV, commonly known as bloat. Works with kibble or canned food. Tip resistant. Dishwasher safe. Colors differ for different sizes.


I demand celebrity treatment while traveling and nothing but the Telescoping Ramp will do.


I find nothing more disturbing than a traveling bag with a dog's head.


Now that we're back in Salt Lake the harsh winter climate can be so cold for a pug like me so what about investing in something fun and functional like this Reversible Down Parka in pink. I would look so cute in this.


Look Traci! Something just for Jake. It's the Tri-Tronics Sport Basic G3 Training Collar. Whenever it says pet and/or dog subsitute it with husband.
'Technology alone can’t train your dog. But the Tri-Tronics Sport Basic G3 Dog Training Collar enhances the process. With 10 levels each of transmitter-controlled continuous or momentary correction, an audible "buzz" button – and a full half-mile range – it’s easy to remind your dog to make the right decision. Waterproof, rechargeable and adjustable for all coat types – this training collar is technology’s contribution to the fine art of training. For dogs 6 months and older. Color: Black. Technology’s contribution to the fine art of dog training.'


I'm sorry but this Scat Mat is dog torture and should be outlawed. Traci, let's start an anti-scat mat bill and take it to Congress. I knew your lawyer smarts would come in handy. You will go down in the history of pets as a legend!


Who knew summit dogs really existed? I didn't until I read Jake's blog about Milly the Summit Dog. But guess what? It's really real. And here is a summit dog's necessities. So buy these for me and I'll be a summit dog too! Bark ’n Boots is the canine equivalent to hiking boots and the Web Master Harness keeps us together.


With the addition of another dog, let's just call him Mr. Brian Scroggins for now, the Knot-a-Long Leash and Coupler could be so handy when we take our walks.


And I even found some goodies for my doggie friends. Sandy would love the Orbee-Tuff Tug toy and the Automatic Toy & Treat Dispenser (yet another item that would work for Jake as well).
'So much fun it’s like doggie day care! Kong Time automatically dispenses food-filled toys from countertop or floor while you are away, keeping your dog both well fed and entertained for a four- to eight-hour period. Just fill each Kong Toy with kibbles or other snacks, push the button and your dog will be happy for hours. A beeping sound alerts your dog that a Kong Toy is on its way. Recommended for single-dog households. Easy to clean. Includes batteries. Kongs sold separately. 13" diameter x 6"H.'

And Lulu, this is so you!

And finally, this sounds truly terrifying on so many levels...

I'm seven weeks pregnant which translates to seven months pregnant for humans. I'm looking even more pokey in the belly. Does anyone want to guess how many puppies I will have? Here's the latest picture: