Mama's Little Babies Hate Fake Milk, Fake Milk

A happy Wednesday to you! Today we tried the puppies on fake milk. It didn't go over very well. I'm not looking forward to this process. Only one of them likes it and that's Betty. Here is Betty:



The rest of them are momma's boys and a girl. They can't stand it! Here's the rest of them:



So my genius geek dad Jake just jailbroke his iphone and will be posting live feeds of the puppies on his blog shortly. His blog is: http://fattjake.blogspot.com/

The People are still planning a puppy shower. They decided to wait until the puppies were born. They thought it would be more interesting that way. I'll post more details soon and of course more pictures.

P.S. Traci, I miss you. I hope work is good today. Thanks for your birthday bone from Snake Creek Grill. Loved it! But you knew I would. I was so excited about the bone that I jumped into the puppy box to eat it. Needless to say, this caused a ruckus. Lovies to you, Traci. Lovies to you.

Riley the Puggety Pug Likes To Taggety Tag Tag

My Aunt Maren just did a blog about tags. She doesn't like tags. I don't mind them. Since I too am working on other blog ideas that are taking entirely too much time I voted to go the easy way out and copy Aunt Maren (who actually got the idea from Amanda). See... these tag blogs aren't so bad and so informative.

8 Things That I Am Passionate About:
1. Traci
2. Maren
3. Food
4. My puppies
5. My pet family
6. Jake's geek smarts
7. Not wearing pants
8. Car rides

8 Words Or Phrases I Use Often:
1. Heavy breathing
2. Heavy snorting
3. Heavy hacking
4. Two feet tall and worth the climb
5. I'm snarky!
6. Jake that's mine. Get your own!
7. I love you, Traci.
8. You don't say...

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Give birth to 4 illegitimate puppies via C-Section
2. Become an internet star on YouTube so I gain Jake's respect
3. Bring in the bacon with my line of pregnancy clothes for pets
4. Co-own a bakery shop for pets with Traci
5. Become a summit dog
6. Sleep on 1000 thread Egyptian Cotton sheets
7. Eat my weight in rib bones
8. Dress up like a bumblebee for Halloween

8 Things I Have Learned From My Past:
1. Never trust rats named Ronaldo
2. Traci is the best human ever made
3. Jake is the best geek ever made
4. People always remember the kid that peed their pants in puppy pre-school
5. Never bark in the backyard when it's dark... you may end up in a window well
6. Smart sisters come in handy especially when there are holes in the neighbor's fence
7. The little rat things you give birth to aren't chew toys
8. All dogs go to heaven

8 Places I Would Love To Go Or See:
1. Pet Heaven
2. Mt. Plesantville
3. China
4. A filming of SNL to see "Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals" sketch
5. Easter Island to pee on the big head statues
6. A Neil Diamond concert
7. The City of Monkeys in Thailand
8. London BABY! (with Maren, Amanda & Lulu)

8 Things I Currently Need Or Want:
1. Personalized dog bed
2. Portable indoor dog potty
3. Canine Cooler therapeutic pad
4. Summit dog equipment
5. My weight in rib bones
6. Personalized collar tag and wallet ID set
7. A funny man with muscles
8. An entourage

People I Tag:
1. Traci G
2. Aunt Maren
3. Jake
4. Amanda & Lulu

The Verdict Is In & We Are All Fat!

Sorry about my lack of blog posts. My puppies have been sucking my every last resource away and I just couldn't think of a good post for my bloggin' posse of fame. This one isn't that great but I did get another pet magazine full of new and fun things to share with you. Scratch that... today's mail just came in. I got 2 magazines! I'll post about that soon.

I went to an appointment at the vets yesterday. I was relieved it wasn't for me but for the puppies. In fact, for the most part they didn't pay that much attention to me. Although I did get scared a few times and tried to make a run for the door... I could sense the nurse was giving me the stink eye.

We are all healthy. But we are all fat! Too fat for our small size. And when I say "we" are all fat, I mean "the puppies". Cause I'm not too fat at all. I'm just the right size of sexy.

Fat Tally
Foo = 1 lb. 11 ounces of loving fatness
Bad Andy = 1 lb. 8 ounces of adorable rolliage
Panda = 1 lb. 8 ounces of caressable curvage
Connie = 1 lb. 6 ounces of slim yet huggable suppleness
Riley = the right size of sexy

All eyes are open now. Instead of slithering around the room, the puppies are semi-crawling. They have their teeth nubs which mean sharp little teeth are coming within the next week and I stop feeding them. Period. It's not even a question.

I will post more updated photos of the puppies this weekend.

P.S. We have more name changes:

Foo = Rambo/Roger
Bad Andy = Amos Moses
Connie = Betty
Panda = Iko Taudry

My Milkshake Brings All The Pups To The Yard

I promised my Aunt Maren I would update the blog with photos of the puppies. They are growing quickly. Jake loves them. He may pretend like he doesn't but deep down I know his heart and it says "I love pets". I've never had this issue with Traci... she and I are like this *crossing paws*.

Jake makes fun of my huge "milk jugs". He is worried that I may be saggy forever. I told him if it turns into a problem I could wear one of his many girdles.

Here are the wee ones:

We had some name changes (this happens)... the littlest girl is Panda, one of the boys is Foo, the darker girl is Connie and the fat one is Bad Andy (there is some conflict as to the true origin of this name... many of us know the true meaning... the Domino's thing just isn't fooling anyone, Traci).

I'll post more pics soon. They are just at that age when the only time they stand still is when they are sleeping or eatting.

Here is a rundown of the 2 most important checks, the eye check and the fat check. I can't stress the importance of these checks. If you have loved ones then you should be doing eye checks and fat checks too. I can't think of anything that shows them you love them more.

Eye Check:
Panda - right eye full on open
Foo - both eyes slightly open
Connie - one eye slightly open
Bad Andy - one eye slightly open

Fat Check:
Panda - she's the tiniest (she's 13 ounces with a weight gain of 5.5 ounces)
Foo - he weighed in at 1 pound (that's a 8 ounce weight gain in a week)
Connie - a little bit heavier (she's 14 ounces with a weight gain of 4.5 ounces)
Bad Andy - huge pounder. he's my little fat one (that's a 6 ounce weight gain in a week)

Here's a quick shout out to my awesome cousin Sandy! I'm glad to see her in the blogging world. She is so experienced when it comes to shopping, love and Gerard Butler. She also has the cutest bee Halloween costume I've ever seen.

Check out more about my seductive minx of a cousin here.

I Want To Be On Pet Star

If you happen to be at home on a weekday and you have absolutely nothing to do around 3 PM then plan to veg on the couch because you don't want to miss Pet Star on the animal planet channel. I had never even heard about this "show" until it came on yesterday. I couldn't take my puggy eyes off of this thing.

On the surface of things I would have to say it's a show about people who made it big in show business and then supremely fell from grace by landing jobs on this depravity of a show. And they throw in a good share of pet owners, pets and pet tricks to round it out.

I think most of you know my opinion of the godfather of heinous mullets Mario Lopez, but just in case you don't I'll go into that now. Who comes to mind when you think of an awesomely bad mullet that lasted 3 or 4 decades? Who comes to mind when you think of Slater, Saved by the Bell, macho chauvinistic pig, the fake "The View," and a plethora of equally horrible daytime television shows? Who comes to mind when you think of a 2-week annulled marriage to Ali So-and-So, a night with strippers before his wedding day and a thinks-he's-a-pretty-boy but he's really a terd? Who comes to mind when you think of the worst possible host for a pet related program? If you chose Mario Lopez, you would be right!

There's the biggest problem of the show right there. But now let's talk about the celebrity guest judges. Apparently it's a constant string of the who's who z-list celebrities.

John O'Hurley. Remember this guy from Seinfeld? What IS he DOING on this show? Are job offers THAT BAD? How do you go from J. Peterman to a pet judge? This is sad. Then there was a girl named Vanessa. Don't know. Don't care. Too perky. I say kick her off the panel! She has no sense of pet judging skills whatsoever. She just sat there and pulled a bunch of crap off the top of her head rendering the episode a waste of my daytime minutes. The judging panel was rounded off by a comedian named Dom Irrera. Not that funny. But I'll take him over that Vanessa girl any day of the week. So there are the sad cast of characters. But wait! Now here come the delusional pet owners and pets.

On the episode I watched we had a Singapore sling pot bellied pig in a skirt that would walk through hoops. The pig's stomach touched the ground! The pig lives in the house with 17 brothers and sisters! I said, in the house?!! You should now be able to clearly picture the pet owner from that. She tried to explain that pigs are clean, but who is she kidding?! I know they roll around in their own crap and so does the rest of the world.

Then there was a guy that had 9 mutt dogs that could run in a figure 8 through his legs, jumped all at once over a jump rope and did the conga line. That man looked like he had fritterred most of his life away on coke or speed. He was SO perky that his eyes stuck out of his head.

Then we had a gay, regurgitated worker from Sea World who showed off his cockatoo. Wow! A bird that can fly through hoops. I'm amazed! I was more amazed watching the Sea World guy flirt with Mario Lopez on stage during the show.

This was followed by a screenwriter who owned a weenie dog that could flip a rubber band using his snout and paws. The dog taught this trick to himself. That's right he was self smarted... self learned himself. I was afraid if he taught himself another trick he would be dead. From a heart attack.

But I think the most delusional of them all was an x-cheerleader choreographer for the Miami Dolphins or something. She came out in pig tails and a weird slut costume that matched her tiny dancer dog. And keep in mind this woman looks like she's in her late 50's. Both of them looked like old saloon hoochie mamas in the worst possible sense. They sucked. For going on and on about how professional she used to be and still is, I was surprised that this dog act tanked big time! I could go on about the woman who brought a Bengal leopard cat or something like that, pet and pet owner LOOKED EXACTLY ALIKE! I seriously couldn't tell them apart.

Here is my questionnaire of things to keep in mind before watching the following pet acts:

1) How many pet owners are on crack?
2) How many pets are on crack?
3) How many judges are on crack?

Regardless of all of this debauchery I still think I want to be on this show. I mean, it could just be that I saw a bad episode. What would you recommend for my talent? Or maybe Lulu, Sandy, Rychelle's awesome posse of pooches and I can do a little someth'em, someth'em. Should I come up with an act for me and the puglets? To think, if I had only popped out 1 more puglet I could have had a basketball team!

On a side note, puppy rearing is coming along. I'll add more pictures of the puppies soon. And I amended a puppy name. Renegade is now Renegade Traci, the fastest legal mind pug this side of the Rockies. Well, I'm off to do some me time. Have a good one!

Help Riley Win Cupcakes

Whoever said "The best things in life are free" was SO right! Help me win FREE cupcakes. That's the bottom line. This is a little shout out to Kristina P. who is right this minute celebrating her 20,000 hit blog b-day by giving me cupcakes via a giveaway (crossing my paws).

I was messing around YouTube and found this 300 parody video. I thought you would like it Kristina... especially the first part about the Olive Garden.

Check Out My Little Posse of Poopers

Guess what? I'm a mommy! I gave birth to 4 little squeaky chew toys this morning at 11:00 AM. I'm doing good. The most inconvenient part of my day was when they dragged me away from my breakfast kibble to go do the surgery. I was mad as hell! See... I just cursed. That's how mad I was! It's true, I'm snarky! Squeaker taught me some curse words in French that I barked at my doctor but he just laughed about it which made me even more upset. I was about to roundhouse kick him in the face ala Chuck Norris but the drugs kicked in and I was out. The next thing I know it was, "Say Hello to my little friends." Yes, my four little inconvenient truths!

I'm skinny again, thank heavens. I thought if this went on for another day I would implode. Now I'm just saggy. I don't have a comment about that.


I have four puppies, all healthy and all fawn. I've bequeathed their fake names too. The 2 boys are Jacobite Leonard Wenvo and Renegade. The 2 girls are Suki Taudry and Hurricane Foo. That Renegade is a climber. He's been turbo crawling around the puppy box all day.

Like my lack of skills in barking and ear licking, I think I still have a bit to learn about mothering. I've already found out that smashing them under my bottom does not always solve the problem (as much as I wish it did). For instance, I decided I didn't much care to feed the puppies today so I had my staff do it. They work cheap actually free. You just can't beat that! I bet you don't have staff!

Uff Da! Riley's Guide to All Things From The Land Of Norwegia

I did the bio of Timmermans a couple of days ago, so today it's the Gundersens.

Gunder-goats. Gunder-cusses. Son of a Gunder. It's true we may have been called a lot of things but we are true blue Gundersens from the land of Norway. And we don't take anyone's crap!

Gundersens come from the magical land of fjords, trolls, Drekkar ships, Jarlsberg cheese, bread + butter + sugar snack, lutefisk, gnomes (I'm pretty sure the first gnomes were stick people fashioned by the Norwegians to place outside of their huts), Vikings, AND VIKINGS! Recently there was an actual census taken about Vikings. And Vikings beat out ninjas, zombies and robots for the most cool and beloved people of all time. Gundersens are extra strength, extra lasting, extra fresh Viking stock. We show no mercy. We pillage and plunder and then pillage some more. Especially if lentils are involved. Nothing inspires a Gundersen quite like food! Here I am modelling the traditional Norwegian attire. (Notice I only have a hat on and the rest of me is nude. That actually IS traditional Norwegian attire. That's how we roll. I get my hankering for nakedness from this side of the family.)

Norwegians inspire. We inspire Japanese game shows and Led Zeppelin. Take this video clip for instance... it was inspired... by Norwegians! (I did take some liberties to tweak this into a TRUE Gundersen masterpiece... I call it "Dear Gundersen")


The Scottish give us kilts and the Norwegians give us these:

And while Mr. Butler is still working on our Scottish ancestor movie, Kirk Douglas already made a film about our Viking ancestors called The Vikings.

There is really only ONE. BIG. REASON. WHY. BEING. A. GUNDERSEN. ROCKS. And this is it. If my bloggin' posse of fame lived in Norway this is what we would all look like!

Here are some of my favorite Gundersens:
Jake - my human dad - we tolerate each other. when necessary. we also have long discussions on the back porch and share an affinity for technology.

Connie - my grandma - we like to go shopping for pet clothes and people clothes. And we like to make fruit salad and BBQ ribs.

Wenvo Loafer - my grandpops - we like to bake bread and eat it.

Justin - my uncle - we like big, big trucks and dressing up like the devil in the pale moonlight. We also love jazz and bluegrass and watching the weather channel and Johnny Depp movies.


Here is my Norwegian Joke:
This is an ORIGINAL JOKE by BRIAN BOWER

VIKINGS HOME JOURNAL
(Today's Journal for the Modern Viking)
* Three fast and tasty village dog recipes for the working viking who doesn't have all day to cook.
* War wound stitchery- Don't throw away those severed body parts. Needle point tips that can make that foot or arm good as new.
* Surprising reader's poll: 9 out of 10 viking women are not satisfied in bed. Find out what they really want.
* Burning pitch techniques that can really let you rain hell on your neighbors!
* Surrounded by intellectuals-How one viking escaped. By David-the-Saxon.
* Viking mid-life crisis-Is raping murdering and pillaging all there is ?
* Is your son a Pansy?-A candid article by Erick-the-Red which every father should read.
* Don't let your Viking tupperware party end in a blood bath- Do's and Don'ts for a successful evening.
* Detroit unveils the New 89 line of warships-Faster, sleeker, fewer slaves in the galley!

AT YOUR VILLAGE NEWSTANDS NOW !

So, if I'm a little obsessive or crazy... I'm a Gundersen and that should explain everything. Long Live the Gundersens! Valhalla!

Ya'll Have Dem Beanie Puggies? You Have Dem. You Carry Dem.

Here's my quick little update (I have another post coming later tonight). I'm at the vets as we speak typing this out on my blackberry. (Jake insists that any pets that live in his household need to be technology savvy hence my blackberry.)

So, here's the story. I went to the vets on Monday to get my x-ray thing done. I was really in a bad mood (besides the fact that I hate the vets) and I just couldn't take another appointment. I was a little very upset about the whole x-ray process and it's entirely possible that I may have bit nipped at the tech nurses. Due to my mood and quote "Riley is full of poop" as the nurses put it (which is funny because that's what I thought about them), they didn't get a good look at the puppies. They were able to see 3 really well but there is a 4th puppy that may have a problem. If that is the case, they wanted me back at the vets to have a c-section delivery.

I got up this morning and The People took me to the vets to have another x-ray. They still couldn't tell if the 4th puppy has problems so they decided I need to stay at the vets over the weekend and they will perform the delivery. I'm kind of upset about this. I'm not looking forward to a weekend at the vets. Fortunately I do have my blackberry with me so I can keep in touch with my bloggin posse. They stuck me in a nesting room which is nice digs. I am pretty sure there are other dogs here. I try to text them but they are completely technology retarded so I have to do this the old fashioned way of barking. Maybe I can pick up some juicy stories for the blog. (Amander does like the incest stories!) I will definitely keep you posted.

If It's Not Scottish, It's Cr-r-rap!

I got excited talking about my pug family so I decided to talk about my human parents. I will dedicate a post to each of them because they are family too.

As far as I'm concerned Scotland is the greatest country ever. They brought us shortbread cookies, men wearing kilts, bagpipes, Robert the Bruce, Mary Queen of Scots, men wearing kilts, the Loch Ness monster, William Wallace, Haggis, the Highlands, men wearing kilts, the Stone of Scone, The Wicked Tinkers, Bonnie Prince Charlie, purple heather (the national flower), the Firth of Forth, Robert Burns, men wearing kilts, the Peel P50 and Sean Connery... I mean what's not to like!

Here I am modeling the Timmerman tartan (Ok, so this may not be the Timmerman tartan but it's a kilt with a matching hat):

My human mom Traci is a Timmerman. Timmermans are strong stock and you don't want to mess with us. In olden times, Timmermans could squash you with a huge caber if they didn't like the way you conducted yourself. Today, we just serve legal papers and sue you for all you're worth.

There are so many reasons to be proud of being a Timmerman.

Reason #1, we are related to Robert Burns the famous Scottish poet (actor Gerard Butler really wants to play our ancestor in a Robert Burns movie... and incidently he also owns a pug!). I'm listening to Robert Burns now (I should add this to my books of the month) but yeah, don't understand a thing he says but I'm sure it's great!

The fake Robert Burns

The real Robert Burns

Reason #2, only the coolest people are Timmermans. Case in point, I'm a Timmerman... Traci's a Timmerman... Maren's a Timmerman. Need I say more?

Reason #3, we're Scottish! Everyone wants to be Scottish. Because if it's not Scottish, it's crap!

Here are some of my favorite Timmermans:
Traci - my mom - we like to cook, clean and nap together. "T" is for Traci and Timmerman.

Maren - my aunt - we like to dress me in pet clothes and play together. Aunt Maren is 98% Scottish.
Michael - my uncle - we like to fly planes together.


Sandy - my cousin - we like to eat and run around together. Here's a Scottish joke:
Three Scotswomen (they are neighbors) were walking home at night. Along the way they find a Scotsman passed out under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon and they can't see who he is; however, they would like to help him get home. The first woman looks under his kilt and says, "It's not my husband". The second woman looks under his kilt and says, "It's not my husband". The third woman looks under his kilt and says, "Why he's not even from our village!"

All In The Family

I thought I would talk a little bit about my pug family because I'm pretty sure you're dying to know this stuff. Here is a video that sort of explains it all.


Okay, so it totally doesn't explain anything! My pug family story is more like the behind-the-scenes Brady Bunch story. The sordid kind.

Here is a list of the playas:

Bogart
Bred for his skills in magic. Bogart is pretty much the best pug dog there ever was (besides me). He is my step-dad grandpa and the father of my puppies. In his youth, Bogart enjoyed running through the sprinklers, eatting snow and going on rides. One of his special powers was drive-thru food perceptive cognative mind waves. Yeah, he pretty much could have done magic tricks and/or hypnotism.

Bacall
She could be considered a miniature version of a pug. Bacall likes to spin around like a whirling dervish. She has one snaggle tooth she uses to intimidate her enemies. She likes chicken nuggets and soft food. She likes to bark a lot. In her younger years Bacall was the boss. She would grab Bogart's leash and pull him around the room. Bacall is like 500 years old but she's still around. She sleeps most of the time. She's like the cryptkeeper of the pug world.

Princess Caraboo (Boo)
Boo is my mom. She is an ex-showgirl that retired several years ago. She placed 3rd in the shows most of the time. The only time she won a first prize ribbon was when she was the only pug in her category. That never seemed to bother her. She's still a showgirl at heart. She has her way with the men folk. She's never married but she's raised 11 indiscretions. For a short period Boo went through a pirate fetish stage. Boo likes to lick just about everything... plastic gates, dog ears, elbows, legs, whatever she can. Even though she's blind, she is master at intense stare downs. This picture was taken before Boo went blind... look at those crazy eyes! She is now into new age healing and religion. She loves crispy chicken, squeaky cheese and handicrafts.

Duncan
My brother Duncan is currently single. He's a catch. He's pretty much in heat every day of the year. That's right... he's a little horny. Duncan loves his outdoor crib (which is basically a wire corral). The brothers had to be separated after the big fallout over nothing. When the boys are together Duncan goes in his crib. Water tastes better to him outside. He wants to be a summit dog and he probably could be. He has lion paws and a double curl twisty tail (rare in the pug world). He loves to eat. He has the emotional capacity of a small child. He is the biggest pug ever but thinks he is miniature pug size. He can do the major chin thing. Bogart can do the chin thing but Duncan does a major chin thing when he's not happy. He's athletic and husky, muscular and pretty. The perfect stud dog qualities.

Loki
He's not bred for his skills in magic even though (if you can believe this) a stud dog farm wanted him when he was a puppy. Loki, the stud dog. That's funny. Some people wonder about the name Loki. Loki was named for the Norse god of mischief... that tells you a little about Loki the pug. Loki loves to eat. Sometimes he sneaks regular food from the other dog's dishes. He's stealthy and sly in a lumbering obvious kind of way. When he was younger he would pull all the toilet paper off the roll and run around the house with it in his mouth. He barks like a girl. He runs like a wambat and smashes his enemies under his supple weightiness. His major defensive mechanism (something he likes to work on a lot) is his play dead skills where he basically just falls on the floor. He uses his weight to his advantage. When he doesn't want to do something he falls on the floor and won't get up. He makes you pick him up but he makes sure his body is at it's most supple, fat and slippery stage. Loki is a minx.

Black Bart
Black Bart has a woman in every port. He is a stud dog that lives on a farm in Wyoming. He's a champion pug dog. All first ribbons... no 3rd place ribbons for him. He is considered good looking. I don't know how many puppies he's had... probably 150. In many ways he lives a polygamist's life, the only difference being that he doesn't have to raise, feed or care for any of his children.

Squeaker
My sister Squeaker runs the family I'm living with now. She is the head of a secret pug society working towards world domination... just like the Masons. She specializes in army warfare and covert operations. She is fluent in French and has a pug deity complex. We all think she is the reincarnation of Napoleon Bonaparte. There are a few reasons for this: 1) Napoleon's wife Josephine had a pug that she loved dearly. Napoleon hated this pug and the pug hated Napoleon. It was a constant power struggle between man and pug. We think it's entirely possible that Napoleon got his just desserts when he was reincarnated as a pug... a girl pug! 2) This would explain Squeaker's French accent. 3) This would also explain Squeaker's need for control and world domination plots. In so many ways she's just like Stewie on the Family Guy. We also call her Mensa Pug.

The Blackies
The Blackies are my brother and 2 sisters. My brother's name is Farnsworth and my sister's names are Senora and Kiki. Although I think Kiki became Beyonce when she went to live with my dad. I love the Blackies. I wish I could see them again. We used to run around the house as puppies. I was the most outgoing and fun to be around of course but they had their high points. For years I thought I was a blackie too.

Riley
I'm bred for my good looks. I love to follow Traci around our house. I love it when she cooks. I love it when she cooks and I get the leftovers. I have sweaty paws. That is unique to me. I don't know how to bark but Squeaker is teaching me well. I like to have my ears licked. I like to poop in the neighbor's yard... they are none the wiser. I like to humor Squeaker when she starts talking about world domination plots. I like to humor Jake when he starts talking about politics and economics. I'm pretty sure I'm a Mensa Pug too. I scored 160 on a puppy IQ test.

Powdermilk Biscuit Break
This first portion of my blog is brought to you by Powdermilk Biscuits in the big blue box with a picture of the biscuit on the cover. Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! (That's right, I'm pimping myself for adverts now. Just think, your ad could be here!)

Okay, where to begin this tale of intrigue, seduction, gambling debts and mayhem. Bogart was married to Bacall. It was Bogart and Bacall all the way until it was discovered that Bacall couldn't have children. So, Bogart decided to step out with a second wife or concubine (whatever you want to call it... so Old Testament, right?). The second wife was my mother Boo. She had her first litter of five in 2002. My half brothers Loki and Duncan came out of this batch. For some reason Bogart wasn't impressed with them and disowned them immediately.

Now, let it be known that my mom Showgirl Boo had a wild streak in her... carefree and loose is another way to put it. Let it also be known that Bogart was 50 human years Boo's senior. Well, as you can tell that didn't sit well with Boo and there had always been contention between her and the first wife Bacall. This left the relationship strained. Boo was heading up in the world. Boo had her first prize blue ribbon and her looks to recommend her and she wanted to have a little fun. That's hard to do with a grandpa for a husband.

Enter Black Bart (he does sound like a pirate but he isn't). Black Bart is a dog champion. He was handsome in all his rough exterior, masculine-ness but underneath he had a soft caramel center of passion. Just the Mr. Right Boo had been looking for. She used her feminine wiles to seduce Black Bart. Although it doesn't take much when it's the season for lovin'. I think Black Bart would pretty much go for any girl that looked his way. As were the days of Woodstock and hippies smokin' pot, the relationship was all about sex and shortlived. However, they did conceive 2 pug children: a little black boy and a little fawn girl. The little black boy didn't make it but the little fawn girl that was raised as a bratty, special needs only child became my full sister Squeaker. Even though Boo had 6 children at this point she felt lonely and wanted more. Some people eat to soothe emotions... my mom produces.

Boo decided to have a go with Black Bart again. Some habits die hard. This time mom had 4 little puppies: 3 blackies and me! I grew up in the ghetto of pugdom. My mom wanted Black Bart to settle down. He couldn't commit to this and the relationship disintegrated. I only met my dad one time. That was when he picked up one of my black sisters to live with him. The funny thing is by this time Bogart was really old... like 13 years old and senile and he thought the blackies and me were his puppies. It was the happiest he ever was. He was so proud of us. The sad thing is that Bogart died shortly after we were born.

Which brings me to the father of the puppies. Now get this... The People froze Bogart's stuff. My People wanted me to have a litter. So the father is Great-Great-Grandpa Bogart, a pug I barely knew. You couldn't write this stuff in a Lifetime movie. Okay, well maybe you could... in fact, they do it all the time! This is like Demolition Man meets Kate & Leopold without the romance.

So, I'm popping with Bogart's posthumous puppies. My x-ray appointment is today. I should find out how many puppies I'm having and if I can do this the natural way or c-section.