Update On The Riley Pants

Just wanted to give you a quick update. Riley went to the vet this morning at 8AM. Her progesterone level reached 25. Around 11 o'clock we got a call to let us know that she was just waking up from surgery. She's doing fine. They would like her to stay overnight so the doctors can watch her. This is normal procedure. She's on pug drugs that will make her sleep most of the time and help with any pain. We will pick her up at 9 AM on Friday. This is all good news!

A Girl and Her Pug

Well, I'm missing Traci lots. I miss following her around our house. I would follow The People around but it's pointless. When I follow Traci around we get stuff done. I put together a little ode to Traci because it cheers me up. I call it "A Girl and Her Pug". (Be patient in case it's slow to load.)

Click below to add background music.

P.S. This may be my last blog post for the next couple of days because of my little surgery. I think I will need the time to recuperate but don't worry I'll be back. In the meantime, I've thought about letting my sister Squeaker (who I believe is the reincarnation of Napolean Bonaparte which I will explain in detail later) or my half brother Loki (who talks like the cookie on "Shrek") guest post on my blog. We'll see.

The Surprise Road Trip to Nowhere

It was as long and boring as one might expect it to be. It was as if we purposely piled into the car for no reason other than to drive nowhere as fast as we could. When this happens you end up in the badlands of Utah. You may be asking yourself where the "badlands of Utah" are. That's a good question. I slept most of the way there so I can't tell you. I would provide a google map for you but they don't go into the badlands of Utah, for good reason too. There is a lot of nothing and then some sagebrush.

The People stopped at a canyon type land of sorts. There was a cave up in the rockface with colorful drawings of clever phrases and symbols. I looked at The People and thought,"If you think I'm hiking up to that for a photo op you must be kidding." The People seemed disappointed. Apparently something that I was supposed to see wasn't there anymore. All I heard was, "blah, blah, blah... governor's trash sign is gone... blah, blah... weird ward member's gathering sign is missing." I must admit this did intrigue me but before I knew it we were off going nowhere again. In summary, the most exciting part of this "surprise road trip" was an empty bag of KFC in the back of the car.

Here is another picture of me at nowhere (I have also included a photo of an interesting bone I saw in the desert):

The Technicalities of Life Will Come to You

There are few things I hate more than perky newscasters and liberal democrats aka Socialists (let it be known I am conservative, almost libertarian some may say, and my views may be construed as heavy handed). However, my doctor appointments fall into the category of the "few things I hate more than" list. It is my firm belief that doctor appointments in general qualify as something sent to bedevil the days of dogs. I could go on about what doctor appointments at the Orem Pet Medical Center are like but I wouldn't want to bore you with details. Then again, maybe I do.

Today's appointment was like any other except I have wised up to their methods. The waiting room is okay. I can talk shop with my peeps. We like to talk about all sorts of things but mainly current events. Let me tell you there is a real concern among the talking pet community about the steady rise of gas prices. At one visit a Basset Hound named Little Miss Maggie Moo taught me a dirty ditty called "Juanita, The One Legged Hussy from Juarez."

But back to today's appointment. During one of my intense discussions with FattJake we talked about mind control and the ability to control others by using mind control. This is what so called "hypnotists" use and I found FattJake quite knowledgable on the subject. FattJake had a book about mind control and powers of the mind when he was young. I think mind control books should be required reading in schools today. Whoops! There I go with my heavy handed conservative views. I could tell by the tones in his voice that hypnotism may be his secret dream job.

But back to the appointment. I thought I might be able to use my knowledge of mind control to my advantage. When I saw the nurse coming I sent powerful think waves like: "This dog has already been tested. You do not need to test this dog." and "Testing this dog is futile. Do so at your own risk." When I found that my mind control wasn't working I hid under the chair. I have learned that if I can't see people then I turn invisible. But apparently I was wrong about that too because the nurse grabbed my leash. In my last ditch efforts to escape I slipped my collar and tried to run for... well, anywhere the nurse wasn't. This didn't work either. The nurse laughed adding insult to injury, and the testing ensued.

I would prefer to fast forward to the results. In laymen's terms, I'm still not ready yet. My progesterone level is 3.9 but it needs to be 25-30. They think I will reach this number by Wednesday or Thursday. I'm not supposed to eat or drink after midnight on Tuesday. That's crap. I don't know... is that a conservative view? The People could tell I was distraught so they told me they planned another surprise road trip. Am I surprised... perhaps.

Nope, I'm not Preggers, A Nudist Ranch & Me

If you thought I had my little surgery on Friday you would be wrong. Friday was pretty much more of the same thing. My next appointment is Monday.

So you might be asking yourself what a good looking pug does on the weekends. Well, let me tell you. Come Sunday morning I was missing the intellectual discussions I would have with FattJake on our back porch so I did the next best thing by visiting The Beaver Creek Nudist Ranch located just east of Kamas, UT. That's right I said Utah. Just in case you missed it... a nudist ranch in Utah. Who knew, right?

Once I saw the blue skivvies someone purposely? threw on the road next to the sign I was thinking this place is worth investigating but I could tell The People were uncomfortable. Not me though. Nude... that's how I roll. And frankly, life moves fast... and sometimes there just isn't time for pants. Things simmered down when The People noticed the "Closed due to Mosquitos" sign. I sort of felt let down by this happenstance. I mean, what are the chances of finding a nudist ranch in Utah but it's closed due to mosquitos. This started me thinking about when a place like this would be open. In winter it would be too cold... in summer mosquitos. What a gyp! This could have been the place where I met Mr. Right.

Moving on... The People thought I would enjoy a walk down their memory lane so we stopped off at Soapstone and Mirror Lake. I went poop at both places which pretty much summarizes what I thought of the whole day.

Draggin' State With Grams and The People

The People, Grandma Ellen and I dragged State Street last night and all I got to show for it were 2 lousy glow-in-the-dark necklaces. Actually, we just bought one but the lady saw how cute I am and gave us one for free. The perks of being so good looking are endless.

Apparently, The People drag State every year on the night of the 23rd of July. Strange people gather on the streets with chairs, mattresses and the like to camp out for the 24th Parade. The whole thing was very stimulating but the highlight of the evening was the Extreme Bum Fight we almost saw on 4th South and 2nd East. We stopped at a red light and then we heard a conversation that went something like this:

Bum #1: (unintelligable)!!!!! (angry face)
Gangbanger Bums: (making gestures) "WHAT?"
Bum #1: (unintelligable)!!!!! (jumping around)
Gangbanger Bums: (laughing)
Bum #1: (long unintelligable)!!!!! (really, really angry face)
In the middle of this a fat man started to dance in the Burger King parking lot.

This continued (including the fat dancing man) for several more minutes. I thought the light would never change. Jen told me not to worry. If the bums drew guns and started shooting she would cover me. It's nice having a personal bodyguard. I've decided to make FattJake my official bodyguard as soon as I get home.

Then we drove up to the U of U and went past Sono Express. This is where Traci and Jake dated... what a dump! But I hear the food is really good. Maybe I will ask The People to order me some Gyoso when I'm fat, happy and pregnant.

When we got home the other dogs were jealous of my glow-in-the-dark necklaces so I shared with them. You should have seen their faces when I let them wear my necklaces... like orphans from a remote village on Christmas day when Santa comes with presents for the first time in their lives. You would think they never saw a glow-in-the-dark necklace before. I think the dog with the glandular problem got a little too happy about wearing his.

I had just about as much fun as you can have wearing glow-in-the-dark necklaces in a strange car with an 86 year old.

2nd Appointment - Still a No Go

Me at the Vet

Today was my second appointment. The car ride wasn't so long. I guess the more I take it the less time it seems to be. The waiting room was interesting today too. There were two girls that brought in two baskets full of these weird little dogs. They had chihuahua bodies with scottie dog heads. Anyway, I learned that the two dogs were twin sisters and they had gotten pregnant around the same time. They had their litters 2 days apart. Does anyone else think planned doggie deliveries for twins is a little weird? Secretly inside I wondered if they were with the same man... you know polygamists or something. Of course I would never voice this in front of them... Traci taught me better. Sounds like a couple of loose bitches if you ask me.

It's all about drama in the waiting room of the vets. There was a huge dog. No, not a dog, a horse. She was getting the progesterone test like me. Then there were mommies coming in to have puppies, mommies coming in for puppy check-ups and others coming in for tests.

They took me to the cold, scary room again and did more bum proding. Did I not tell you this would happen again? I panicked a little bit but then I thought, "What would FattJake do in this situation?" and I toughened up fast. I also wanted to make Traci proud.

The doctor said I'm close but not ready yet. My next appointment is on Friday. I asked Blind Boo the Showgirl what this would be like but all she did was babble at me like the crazy cat lady on The Simpsons.

I know Traci pretty much gets what I say to her but to better explain my situation to FattJake I decided to make some nerdy charts and graphs:

P.S. The treats here are still crappy so I need FattJake to Fedex me his famous home-cooked rib bones.

Pregnancy Clothes... For Pets!

I was online looking for pregnancy clothes for pets and found a whole lot of nothing. Jake, this might be an avenue to pursue. Pregnancy clothes... for pets! I don't know if I can get my mind around the genius of this idea. We could design moo-moos and expandable pants... the options here are endless. I asked the dog with the glandular problem if he would mind being the standard model for the line. He got insulted and walked away so I don't have a definite answer on that one yet. We can have a dress your pet like their favorite celebrity pet section. Money in the bank, my friend, money in the bank.

The 1st Appointment - Disappointing

Monday was my first appointment. It was a long ride to the doctors and I didn't care for the kennel. When I got there they started to poke things in my bum. I thought if that went on for another minute I would have to drop them a line that I was the pug child of a high powered attorney that would not be happy to hear about this... not at all. The doc said it's not time yet so I have to go through this again on Wed. which pretty much sucks big time. I hope you appreciate all the butt proding that I'm doing here. The doctor also said I have a little ear infection starting so the people here will start nightly ear wipe treatments.

P.S. Blind Boo the Showgirl kicked me off my leopard bed so I'm sleeping on her orthepedic fluffy one. Overall, I give this place 2 stars. Let's just say if they had better treats around here I would give them a solid 3. They did give me a Dingo bone which was exciting for all of 2 minutes... I haven't felt the need to wrap my lips around it again. I wish they would just remove it from my room.

The Welcome - A Reunion with the Folks

So, I was dropped off by FattJake to the pug farm on Sunday. It was nice to see the fam... my half brothers (Duncan and Loki) and full sister (Squeaker). Blind Boo the Showgirl is my mom. She's doing good. It was nice to see her again. My dad doesn't live here. I've only seen him once but my mom curses his name even today.

I ran around the yard for a long time and got reacquainted with everyone. We all had a little bit of Jen's banana shake except Loki because he's lactose intolerant and has a glandular problem of some kind. He's lost 10 pounds but if you ask me he still looks like a barrel on sticks. He is one of Bogart's puppies. I shudder to think that I could end up with 6 Lokis so I try not to think about it. After the initial excitement of seeing everyone wore off I really started to miss Traci and Jake and did a little binge eatting on my diet food before bedtime.

Riley & Squeaker

Riley