What the Fetch(dog)!!

Good Morning fellow bloggers! I hope you had a smashing weekend. I bet the title grabbed you. I do love cheap sensationalism. Let's start with the poll.... I just want to thank my lawyers (so Charlize Theron & Hilary Swank-esque of me), nannies, servants and everybody who made this win possible. I work in an amazing industry and to be noticed for my talents is just so amazing. I knew this day would come. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my little round belly. Of course, I wouldn't want to forget Traci and Aunt Maren and all of my bloggin posse of fame. You know who you are. Except Jake is questionable because I never really felt like he caught the vision that was me. But I'll just be polite and say he did for the sake of being polite. So, I guess I should end this before the timing guy dings me like Julia Roberts. I will however end with a few words to the 3 people that didn't want to hang out with me and opted for annoying booger pickin children instead. Obviously something is wrong with you. I will pray for your misguided souls.


I was pretty excited because my Early Autumn 2008 edition of fetchdog magazine arrived on Friday. I quickly scanned the new offerings and wanted to show you some of my favorites (Traci and Jake take note. My birthday, Fall Equinox Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Daylight Savings Time Ends Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner.)

The Luxury Nesting Trundle - nothing says "I love you" more than this suffocating monstrosity in Ocelot. Look at the mixed breed that was shoved in the Caramel version. Look at the terror on it's face.

Look. This one has my name on it. This could help makes things easier so Jake doesn't get confused.


Check this out... so cop show cool! This could be a FHE activity for us.
'Shut the door, pull down the shades and conduct your own CSI investigation…for pee. This black light will show you how much urine is actually seeped and dried into your carpet with one wave. How? The crystalline structure of dried urine causes it to fluoresce a dull yellow color under UV light. Don't worry if it looks like a violent pee scene—our Urine-Off Spray will come to the rescue. Requires 4 AA batteries, not included. Protective eye wear recommended.'


The Helping Harness could come in handy for Jake when he gets older.


The Handy Lift Harness could come in handy for me right now. I'm the equivalant of a beached whale when it comes to pugs.

No more "Death by Dog Breathe" when you have Greenies Triple Chew.

Wowza! An Anti-Bloat Bowl for dogs. What will they think of next? This could have multiple uses in our house like for me and for Jake. It's a veterinarian tested and recommended bowl that encourages slower eating, making your dog feel more full. Helps reduce instances of re-eating and the risk of GDV, commonly known as bloat. Works with kibble or canned food. Tip resistant. Dishwasher safe. Colors differ for different sizes.


I demand celebrity treatment while traveling and nothing but the Telescoping Ramp will do.


I find nothing more disturbing than a traveling bag with a dog's head.


Now that we're back in Salt Lake the harsh winter climate can be so cold for a pug like me so what about investing in something fun and functional like this Reversible Down Parka in pink. I would look so cute in this.


Look Traci! Something just for Jake. It's the Tri-Tronics Sport Basic G3 Training Collar. Whenever it says pet and/or dog subsitute it with husband.
'Technology alone can’t train your dog. But the Tri-Tronics Sport Basic G3 Dog Training Collar enhances the process. With 10 levels each of transmitter-controlled continuous or momentary correction, an audible "buzz" button – and a full half-mile range – it’s easy to remind your dog to make the right decision. Waterproof, rechargeable and adjustable for all coat types – this training collar is technology’s contribution to the fine art of training. For dogs 6 months and older. Color: Black. Technology’s contribution to the fine art of dog training.'


I'm sorry but this Scat Mat is dog torture and should be outlawed. Traci, let's start an anti-scat mat bill and take it to Congress. I knew your lawyer smarts would come in handy. You will go down in the history of pets as a legend!


Who knew summit dogs really existed? I didn't until I read Jake's blog about Milly the Summit Dog. But guess what? It's really real. And here is a summit dog's necessities. So buy these for me and I'll be a summit dog too! Bark ’n Boots is the canine equivalent to hiking boots and the Web Master Harness keeps us together.


With the addition of another dog, let's just call him Mr. Brian Scroggins for now, the Knot-a-Long Leash and Coupler could be so handy when we take our walks.


And I even found some goodies for my doggie friends. Sandy would love the Orbee-Tuff Tug toy and the Automatic Toy & Treat Dispenser (yet another item that would work for Jake as well).
'So much fun it’s like doggie day care! Kong Time automatically dispenses food-filled toys from countertop or floor while you are away, keeping your dog both well fed and entertained for a four- to eight-hour period. Just fill each Kong Toy with kibbles or other snacks, push the button and your dog will be happy for hours. A beeping sound alerts your dog that a Kong Toy is on its way. Recommended for single-dog households. Easy to clean. Includes batteries. Kongs sold separately. 13" diameter x 6"H.'

And Lulu, this is so you!

And finally, this sounds truly terrifying on so many levels...

I'm seven weeks pregnant which translates to seven months pregnant for humans. I'm looking even more pokey in the belly. Does anyone want to guess how many puppies I will have? Here's the latest picture:

I Like Big Butts And I Can Not Lie

I've received a barrage of emails for more pictures of my big self to be put on the blog. So here you are you lucky people. Behold, my great and spacious belly. Enjoy the fruits of my fruitfulness. Have tidings of great joy that you are not in my state of fatmosis. And finally, feel free to rub my belly for good luck (I do look like a small and furry Buddha).

I'm Riley Gundersen and I Approve This Message.

I miss Traci so I drew this picture of us together with our matching flag bikinis and the hunting rifles we purchased from "Get Some Guns And Ammo" on State St. I know you would be shocked to find out this picture was in no way photoshopped! One of my main reasons for doing this was so you would have art for your desk at the office. The "Press Button To Operate Donkeys" sign on your desk is looking a little sad and lonely. My picture is printer friendly. Just think of all the office envy this picture would garner. I bet no else at work has a talking pug. I think I look like Mickey Mouse in this picture.

I Don't Know About You But Apparently I'm Fat

Here's a blog entry about nothing. It's all I got. I haven't gone anywhere. I haven't done anything. Apparently I'm just getting fat! I'm thickening up around the midsection. I'm turning into a watermelon on sticks. I'm starting to resemble my half brother, Loki. This is Loki -- the dog with the glandular problem.

However, this has presented me with extra time on my paws to work on my diabolical plot for pug world domination and time to expound on my radical idealogy. Because I'm laid up I get to watch a lot of daytime TV. Lots. I realized there is someone else with similar aspirations for world domination... Oprah. I have decided to pattern myself after Oprah. That's my plan. It's a good plan. To kick this off, I think the place to start would be my books-of-the-month recommendations. Here are my current reads to bone up on pug pregnancy. I feel they can benefit everyone... SO inspiring. You will be touched!

When I first saw "The Complete Book of Dog Breeding" in the local bookshop I thought it was a horror story. Look at the mauling of that poor Dalmation.

The "Tao of Pugs" dog had me at the Yin Yang outfit.

"Can You Get This Pug Out Of My Coffee" just scares me senseless. And I totally agree pugs saved civilization. I know it and Susanne McCaffery-Saville knows it.

Gotta love the Bruce!

I'm thinking if there was anything else I needed to say. Oh, yeah. So you're all invited to my puppy shower. I don't know what it will be like but I know there will be food. As the details come together I will release more information on my blog. Just to let you know in advance... I am registering at several places (I'll let you know exactly where by sending several paper notices with my invitations and I will have to request gift receipts because frankly I don't trust you to pick out what I want.) I guess I'm the only one that's not ashamed of looking tacky for the sake of a decent present. Yep, that's right. I'm a gift ho!

On a side note, I was at Jake's party (OK, maybe I was a little late to Jake's party) but someone wasn't there who was supposed to be there, Aunt Maren. Come to find out, you came all the way to God's country from Hell (Las Vegas) and you didn't even stop by?! I understand you had time for your internet mistress... but what about your niece pug?! I don't know... I guess all I can say is you are going to have to come up with one helluva puppy shower present or lots of Old Navy dog clothes for me to rectify this. (As a policy matter, I generally don't curse but I do believe in selective cursing and I will use it when damn necessary.)

BTW, did someone cheat on the Celebrity Doggie Deathmatch poll? How did I not win this?! What happened to my handlers?! See if I do another poll on my blog! Okay, I will. Here's a poll I know I'll win.

Who would you rather hang out with? Riley the most amazing pug ever made or annoying small booger pickin' children? You decide. Sean Puffy Diddley Diddy would want you to vote. Your vote counts. This poll could change America as we know it. No more celebrities flying coach. Now that's my vision of America.

Keep in mind my mom is a bikini lawyer. My legal advice to you is not to vote for small booger pickin' children. I pity the fool!

But I was right about Daisy Simpson. Apparently everyone thinks she let herself go. I will say I am happy for Tinkerbell because she is a Chi Chi and my best bloggin friend is a Chi Chi.

On another side note, my big surprise that I was planning to put up on my blog last week didn't happen. Maybe next week... it's a bit more time consuming than I had anticipated. There's so many conflicting schedules to juggle. You'll see what I mean.

And finally, a big shout out to my new bloggin buddy Kristina who may be in the market for a English Bulldog in the near future. I would totally be his/her friend. English Bulldogs are a superior breed... right up there with Pugs and Chi Chis. Right on! You have now been officially inducted into Riley's Bloggin Posse of Fame!

Meet Lulu - My New BBFF

This is Lulu the Chi-Chi. She's my new Bloggin Best Friend Forever. It's true I may have said some disparaging remarks about Chihuahuas in the past but that was before I knew Lulu. Lulu is the Chihuahua that made me change my position on Chihuahuas. She's just not your average Chi-Chi. She's awesome and here's why:

1) Just look at her cute size. Sometimes I wish I could be this small. Think of how handy this small size would be for me if say... Traci & Jake want to sneak me into the movie theater. I pretty much have to wait for movies to come to OnDemand before I can see them because I'm too fat for Traci's purse. But Lulu's size, problem solved!

2) I hear Lulu is currently expanding her Fall wardrobe. A dog with so many looks is all right in my book. Just look at her cute clothes. I wish we could share outifts but even at my skinniest point I would be too fat. That's a bummer. But I think we would both look hot in a kitty wig!

3) Like everthing else about Lulu, her coloring is not the average Chi-Chi... it's better! Lulu has the coloring of those handsome snow dogs (aka Huskies) that make me weak in the pug legs. Behold...

4) She looks super nice and if we arranged play dates I just know we would have lots of fun. I can tell she and I are all about having fun!

5) Lulu's owner Amanda is super nice and very concerned about pet issues. We just have so much in common. In fact, she has a blog section entitled,"I love animals more than people." She talks about that ASPCA ad with Sarah McLachlan singing In The Arms Of An Angel... I can't watch it either because I cry every time! I tell The People to change the channel immediately.

So, that's a little bit about my new friend Lulu. Hope to see more pictures of her on Amanda's blog. Lulu is cute and should be shared with the world!

Now, when is Jake going to put a "I love animals more than people" section on his blog?!

My Sonogram and Me: A Tail of Adventure & Intrigue

I got my sonogram today which wasn't really my cup of Postum. But it's official, I'm preggars with "multiple puppies!" Whatever that means?! The nurse wouldn't commit to any number, she just said "multiple puppies" when she looked at this photo:

Obviously the lady is nuts. All I see is something that looks like a small black pumpkin at the top, the bust of Mozart in the middle, and a bright line that looks like the paddle used in the old-fashioned Pong video game at the bottom.

I came out of the vets thinking, The People dragged me out of bed this morning to go to the place I hate most to get cold gel rubbed all over my belly just for this freakish picture?! This is the very definition of asinine.

There was another pug in the waiting room today. OK to fair in the looks department. I don't know what was wrong with it but the girl owner ran over to me and kept talking about my soft fur. I am a people magnet! The guy owner was yelling on his cellphone. He had to step outside.

My due date is Sept. 28th. I'm scheduled for an x-ray on the 22nd. Boy, I'm looking forward to that! Let me tell ya. But as a consolation my pug sister has decided to throw me a puppy shower. I hope I get a lot of stuff. I love stuff.

Grams needed lunch on the way home so a stop at Taco Bell was in order. This is a fine establishment if you ask me. I like the smells. I'm beginning to understand that food pops out of windows at these places so I get excited with giddy anticipation. Grams got two tacos and I pandered all the way home but she didn't even notice me. Dang it! I did some of my best pandering moves too.

On the drive home we saw an apocalyptic, sepia toned cloud rising into the sky near Draper and realized there was a big fire. We just had to stop and get my picture taken with the smoke plume. Cars stopped, people were running around in mass hysteria, others were taking pictures on their smartphones. You would have thought it was a robot uprising or the DNC convention or something really important like that but it was just all smoke and mirrors. Amid the chaos a group of Hispanic brothers turned and laughed at me getting my picture taken with the smoke plume. Apparently they've never seen a pug getting a picture with a smoke plume before. I thought they needed to grow up and get some cojones. I was about to bark this at them but before I knew it I was in the car again and we were off.

Grams had to go to the bank. The lady in the bank window saw me and sent a dog treat through the bank sucky thing. It's the good looks thing again... so many perks, so little time. Unfortunately, the treat was crap. I kicked it off the backseat as fast as puggingly possible.

I'm sensing naptime approaching so I will close this here.

Warning: This Blog Entry May Contain Sexual Content, Language and Thematic Elements

The People here want me to watch the Olympics with them every night. I do this gladly. Mainly to stay abreast of current events. But I must say that I am tired of hearing the media talking about all the Olympic debacles and scandals this year... McSwimmin, McGymin/McLiuken, McUnderageChineseGirls, McKobe, McSo-called-ugly-girl-singing-for-pretty-girl, blah blah blah. It's just McStupid. I can clear this up in two shakes of a lamb's tail. The US should win all the gold and China is crooked. If there are any other countries participating in the Olympics I just haven't noticed them. 'Nuff said.

Everyone goes on and on about the golden boys and girls of the Olympics. You know, the athletes that do amazing and glorifiable things like basketball, swimming, gymnastics and running. But what about the unsung heros of the Olympics. The underdogs of the sportsmen arena. The strangely compelling and yet revolting to watch at the same time kind of athletes. That's right. I'm talking about the fast-as-a-bat-out-of-hell speed walkers. How come no one ever blogs about their great feats. Perhaps it's because the TV people selected the speed walking portion of the Olympic coverage for late, late night viewers because viewage is probably below non-existent.


Why is that? These guys train hard. They know when they need a drink of water, a banana or power gel (as one sports commentator put it). There are so many complications and nuances of the sport. You can get tapped for going too fast. Maybe even disqualified for going too slow. I don't know about that but it sounds good. Race walking (official name) is like the Survivor of the Olympics. I was watching when 2 guys got kicked off the track. That's drama. These guys have the coolest race track ever. They get to go through misting machines for cooling down purposes (not for sex appeal... I know what you were thinking). They also grab bananas, water bottles and wet sponges from tables lining the track. When done with said banana , water bottle or sponge they throw them at the audience. That keeps it interesting.


Everyone is talking about the beach volleyball outfits (which I wholeheartedly agree are retarded) but if you're lucky you can catch a speed walker in sexy hotpants and a midriff baring sports top. Ooo la la, so Franch! Can someone tell me if the IOC regulates these outfits too? I heard the conspiracy theory about the beach volleyball players' attire and thought perhaps the same terms and conditions applied for the speed walkers. The IOC knows we all want to see a little abs and thigh whenever possible. Beach volleyball players have to worry about a nipple slip; speed walkers have to deal with jockey short chaffing and extreme bum wedgies. (Yet another reason why I don't do pants.) Now here is a man with a super wedgie. Ouch!
The IOC is so ridiculous. I'm waiting for the day they require all athletes to do their sport in a bright red hat (because they should look fancy) or with lopsided fake boobs attached to their shirts (because the Olympics can't get dirty enough apparently).

I think it's time we take a little pride in the men that look like women. I mean, women walking in high heels. It must be hard participating in a sport that everyone laughs at. Which brings to mind... Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller have made fun of Dodgeball and Will Ferrell has made fun of NASCAR, children's soccer and men's pair figure skating, so when will the race walking movie come out? Could be good. Maybe.

As a tribute to these brave souls with gyrating hips I have created a special must-see video. I just love, love, love the little men in little pants.

BTW, I heard they are doing away with softball and baseball. I'm glad to hear it. This will make room for Tic-Tac-Toe and Badge-A-Minute. Two sports I truly love that never get any air time.